going to be in the first aid room! yeah. he honestly doesn't seem all that badly off? and when he looks up to see jeanne enter, he's immediately going to scan her for injuries]
[there's nothing new! but it does seem like he pulled up his sleeve recently in order to take care of bandaging his own wound. he'll gesture for her to take a seat]
Jeanne got stabbed in front of god and everyone so there's no hiding where she got stabbed from him. She takes off her overcoat, so he can redo the bandages on her arms. ]
The skeletons all ran away from me, so they shouldn't be too aggravated.
[and when he goes to help with her injuries - she will feel that sense of relief, coupled with.... a failure to be surprised. yeah, he imagines that jeanne would make for quite the opponent.
at this point he's careful to try not to hold onto her for very too long at all, even though he barely flinches against the shocks given how he expects them]
Mob became a stand-in captain on the pirate ship, I'm quite proud of him.
Jeanne hears that and accepts his romance dumbness easily. Romance isn't in her books, but she appreciates it in others' books.
Usually. ]
It is a bit extreme, but they must have been like Rome— [ Wait, no, she doesn't want to acknowledge Shakespeare. ] Um. [ Her brows furrow. ] Tristan and Iseult?
If the pirates are here because one of their own is in love with someone in the port, there may be some circumstances that are keeping them apart.
[ She did not hear this lovers to enemies story, so she can't make direct commentary. ]
Whoever must have felt so strongly that they had to keep coming back, and... even if they knew whatever was against them would continue to keep them apart, they still had to try, just to see their loved one once more.
They're enemies or their families don't want them to be together, but they can't stop their feelings no matter how much they try.
[ She can't relate, but she is understanding of it. ]
That's how the stories usually go.
[ This is all said from the perspective of hearing and secondhand knowledge and not true experience or deep understanding.
this is the worst why are they having this conversation when they're both so stupid about romantic love ]
[in a perhaps incredibly distant way, soo-won thinks that he can understand. and given the closeness of them as he helps with her injuries, she can perhaps feel - a sense of uncertainty, almost. coupled with the way that he almost picks that feeling out, examines it, and yet has no way to stop it.
because what he says next is - ]
.... while I don't think I understand it in the context of romantic love... I can't deny that some chord of it strikes true with me, in the sense that we all have people that we'd like to see again, even if there are things that may keep us apart.
[though when he speaks it comes with a diluted, watered down ache.]
But I guess if that can romantically motivate skeletons to storm a port, then the world is truly an odd place.
[just
move along with the part that he doesn't get at all lmao]
[ She looks at him carefully at that uncertainty and that ache, thoughtful. There is a gentle concern, but she smiles.
What accompanies her next words is acceptance on top of feelings she's long since locked away. ]
I've accepted the reality of never seeing those I'd like to see again.
It's not entirely different from our own convictions. It's not the same, but we felt strongly enough about what we thought was right. We didn't want our countries to fall apart, and they didn't want to see themselves part from...
[jeanne is perhaps a little bit stronger than he is - soo-won knew for a fact that there would be people he'd never get to see again. and yet when they're in front of him, reminding of those warm, sunny days where there was only laughter and smiles...
it grows hard for him to be detached.
. . . . though he blinks in confusion at that, tilting his head at her apparent uncertainty.]
.... is there a chance that that person was taken from you? Whoever it is, that belongs in your story.
[a gentle suggestion, a wonder.
as for him - ]
.... Yona. Hak. [she'll feel it - the gentle surprise at his own admittance, before resignation, the way that he accepts that his words will come even if he doesn't want them to] My mother. My father.
[(if there's a reason i'm still alive when everyone who loved me has died, i'm willing to wait for it.)]
When I rose to the position of king, I knew that my beloved people would not be at my side. Not with the way that politics works. Even still - it is difficult to suggest that I don't love them.
But the dreams of children who want innocent days to last forever are only that - dreams.
[ There's puzzlement and confusion at his suggestion. ]
There is, but there is no way for me to confirm what exactly was taken until I can think about it more.
[ She did not think she would feel anything like that with someone she could part with, but he will feel her surprise when he mentions Yona. She had wondered how they knew each other, but she didn't ask after it.
There is a quiet sadness and some understanding. ]
You can still love them even if you had to leave them behind. It is nothing so simple, no matter how much we want it to be, no matter how much we'd like it to be for the decisions we made.
Dreams made in childhood are still a part of us.
[ That is what the ocean means to her, a silly dream she left behind. ]
[ . . . . the question is straightforward and so his answer is surprisingly straightforward:]
An important part of my childhood. I remember the first day I saw her, when she was barely a year old. I had snuck in past the guards and visited her, because I thought that she must be lonely since she and her mother did get that many guests.
Her father found me, and then ushered me back to my mother. [and - she'll feel the oddity in his feelings then. the way that he wants to end his sentence there, and yet he finds himself continuing to speak instead.] ... he'd said that he got an unpleasant feeling from me.
[though.
to his credit he seems to notice the words he'd said, and the feelings that they stir up - sadness, worry, concern that perhaps everyone gets that feeling from him - before he puts them in a box and locks them away. compartmentalized.]
.... her father was the king before me, and she is the beloved Princess Yona.
[though with those words come nothing short of a flood of affection, of adoration - coupled with notes of loss and heartache, of recognizing that she is someone who should no longer be within his reach]
[ Her heart aches, listening, and she has to wonder even as the sadness washes over her about the oddity in how he seemed to not want to disclose so much. Did he lose something, or is it a compulsion?
Jeanne is a little torn, wanting to know more of Soo-won but not wanting it if it's not entirely his choice to divulge so much. To be told something by his uncle at such a young age—
Her hands curl into loose fists because she wants to touch him but doesn't think it's worth shocking him for. Jeanne is not someone who cries easily, but she feels like she could cry right now.
She doesn't. ]
You love her.
[ Her voice is soft, but she can't deny the truth of it. Even if he was instrumental in however his uncle was removed, he does still love Yona.
It's heartbreaking. The extent of how much he shut some of his feelings aay to move forward with what he thought was more important (his country, not himself). ]
[to his credit, this time he's not trying to provide false equivocations. he's not trying to suggest things that may be able to pull the conversation away from what's at hand.
but the fact remains that he feels like he needs to correct:]
... I love everyone.
[and that, painfully and clearly, is true and sincere.
soo-won loves everyone. he loves the strangers that he meets, he loves his advisors and soldiers, he loves the only friends who knew him all his life. but he is not someone who gets to cry because he loves and is loved - even though he mourns for the divide that can open between him and others when he makes his choices.]
A country that will place one or a few people's happiness above all others will fall to ruin.
[in fact - that's exactly what happened, under the reign of il.
and soo-won simply couldn't let it go on any longer, no matter the pain that might ripple from that choice because no matter how much he loved yona, loved il, loved hak -
[ There is something that shakes and reverberates, loosened chains that have locked away feelings she's sealed. It is something that hurts, and she's not sure why. She doesn't know why, as if something is missing.
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[it's easy to suggest that soo-won's love for everyone means that he's not attached to anyone in particular - but it's not as though his path is one that's guided by apathy or lack of interest. quite the opposite, in fact.
it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
[ There is a dull ache in response, and she can't argue against that, not when she's had similar feelings. She could not tell Soo-won to betray his decisions when she does not know how to herself.
It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
[ . . . . the truth is in the fact that he doesn't think that he deserves happiness, not after what he's done. he loves deeply, but that doesn't change the fact that he will still bring harm to those that he loves if it means saving a greater number of people. no matter what it causes him to lose, he will walk forward.
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
[ It hurts and scares her a little (maybe more than a little, but it's too complicated for her dissect it, for her to want to dissect it) how much what he says is an echo of part of what she feels for herself. There are likely more than just Hansa who know her name in full, but she hasn't given it to anyone who wouldn't already know. Perhaps that is her one moment of selfishness.
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[i have to acknowledge it because you're going to be mad at me but even if he notices the yearning for what it is, he's honestly just going to blink in surprise before just assuming it was misplaced and not meant for him. i'm sorry. these are the choices we've made.
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
week 2, wednesday i just really wanted dailys
going to be in the first aid room! yeah. he honestly doesn't seem all that badly off? and when he looks up to see jeanne enter, he's immediately going to scan her for injuries]
Anything hurting particularly bad?
one full week!
but she's not unused to that, so!
There are no new wounds, just old reopened ones. ]
Nothing hurts more than a few days ago.
[ She gives him a once over for anything new. ]
no subject
Mm, I'm in agreement.
[there's nothing new! but it does seem like he pulled up his sleeve recently in order to take care of bandaging his own wound. he'll gesture for her to take a seat]
Let me help re-cleaning and bandaging you then.
no subject
Jeanne got stabbed in front of god and everyone so there's no hiding where she got stabbed from him. She takes off her overcoat, so he can redo the bandages on her arms. ]
The skeletons all ran away from me, so they shouldn't be too aggravated.
no subject
[and when he goes to help with her injuries - she will feel that sense of relief, coupled with.... a failure to be surprised. yeah, he imagines that jeanne would make for quite the opponent.
at this point he's careful to try not to hold onto her for very too long at all, even though he barely flinches against the shocks given how he expects them]
Mob became a stand-in captain on the pirate ship, I'm quite proud of him.
no subject
less
but that's okay! She doesn't really wince at any of the shocks. It's like she's almost too tired to. ]
I didn't know pirates could be so reasonable. Apparently, their treasure is what made them into skeletons.
no subject
Apparently romance and love is what compelled them to visit the port each year.
[he
said it in a voice that suggests
he thinks both things are equally hard to understand
which is really funny but also i hate it]
no subject
Jeanne hears that and accepts his romance dumbness easily. Romance isn't in her books, but she appreciates it in others' books.
Usually. ]
It is a bit extreme, but they must have been like Rome— [ Wait, no, she doesn't want to acknowledge Shakespeare. ] Um. [ Her brows furrow. ] Tristan and Iseult?
Star-crossed lovers?
no subject
laughing a little bit at that]
Star-crossed lovers? How do you mean?
[he's not interested in fate OR love but you know what
he'll entertain this conversation just because he wants to hear jeanne's opinion on it]
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[ She did not hear this lovers to enemies story, so she can't make direct commentary. ]
Whoever must have felt so strongly that they had to keep coming back, and... even if they knew whatever was against them would continue to keep them apart, they still had to try, just to see their loved one once more.
They're enemies or their families don't want them to be together, but they can't stop their feelings no matter how much they try.
[ She can't relate, but she is understanding of it. ]
That's how the stories usually go.
[ This is all said from the perspective of hearing and secondhand knowledge and not true experience or deep understanding.
this is the worst why are they having this conversation when they're both so stupid about romantic love ]
no subject
because what he says next is - ]
.... while I don't think I understand it in the context of romantic love... I can't deny that some chord of it strikes true with me, in the sense that we all have people that we'd like to see again, even if there are things that may keep us apart.
[though when he speaks it comes with a diluted, watered down ache.]
But I guess if that can romantically motivate skeletons to storm a port, then the world is truly an odd place.
[just
move along with the part that he doesn't get at all lmao]
no subject
What accompanies her next words is acceptance on top of feelings she's long since locked away. ]
I've accepted the reality of never seeing those I'd like to see again.
It's not entirely different from our own convictions. It's not the same, but we felt strongly enough about what we thought was right. We didn't want our countries to fall apart, and they didn't want to see themselves part from...
[ There is an odd uncertainty. ]
Someone....?
no subject
it grows hard for him to be detached.
. . . . though he blinks in confusion at that, tilting his head at her apparent uncertainty.]
Someone...? Are you unsure?
no subject
There is a sort of emptiness that follows that uncertainty before it's replaced by a certain thoughtfulness.
Jeanne shakes her head with a smile. ]
Logically, it would have to be someone, if it is a tale of love. I'm not sure... why I felt so uncertain saying that.
Who is it that you miss?
no subject
.... is there a chance that that person was taken from you? Whoever it is, that belongs in your story.
[a gentle suggestion, a wonder.
as for him - ]
.... Yona. Hak. [she'll feel it - the gentle surprise at his own admittance, before resignation, the way that he accepts that his words will come even if he doesn't want them to] My mother. My father.
[(if there's a reason i'm still alive when everyone who loved me has died, i'm willing to wait for it.)]
When I rose to the position of king, I knew that my beloved people would not be at my side. Not with the way that politics works. Even still - it is difficult to suggest that I don't love them.
But the dreams of children who want innocent days to last forever are only that - dreams.
no subject
There is, but there is no way for me to confirm what exactly was taken until I can think about it more.
[ She did not think she would feel anything like that with someone she could part with, but he will feel her surprise when he mentions Yona. She had wondered how they knew each other, but she didn't ask after it.
There is a quiet sadness and some understanding. ]
You can still love them even if you had to leave them behind. It is nothing so simple, no matter how much we want it to be, no matter how much we'd like it to be for the decisions we made.
Dreams made in childhood are still a part of us.
[ That is what the ocean means to her, a silly dream she left behind. ]
Soo-won, who is Yona to you?
no subject
An important part of my childhood. I remember the first day I saw her, when she was barely a year old. I had snuck in past the guards and visited her, because I thought that she must be lonely since she and her mother did get that many guests.
Her father found me, and then ushered me back to my mother. [and - she'll feel the oddity in his feelings then. the way that he wants to end his sentence there, and yet he finds himself continuing to speak instead.] ... he'd said that he got an unpleasant feeling from me.
[though.
to his credit he seems to notice the words he'd said, and the feelings that they stir up - sadness, worry, concern that perhaps everyone gets that feeling from him - before he puts them in a box and locks them away. compartmentalized.]
.... her father was the king before me, and she is the beloved Princess Yona.
[though with those words come nothing short of a flood of affection, of adoration - coupled with notes of loss and heartache, of recognizing that she is someone who should no longer be within his reach]
no subject
Jeanne is a little torn, wanting to know more of Soo-won but not wanting it if it's not entirely his choice to divulge so much. To be told something by his uncle at such a young age—
Her hands curl into loose fists because she wants to touch him but doesn't think it's worth shocking him for. Jeanne is not someone who cries easily, but she feels like she could cry right now.
She doesn't. ]
You love her.
[ Her voice is soft, but she can't deny the truth of it. Even if he was instrumental in however his uncle was removed, he does still love Yona.
It's heartbreaking. The extent of how much he shut some of his feelings aay to move forward with what he thought was more important (his country, not himself). ]
no subject
but the fact remains that he feels like he needs to correct:]
... I love everyone.
[and that, painfully and clearly, is true and sincere.
soo-won loves everyone. he loves the strangers that he meets, he loves his advisors and soldiers, he loves the only friends who knew him all his life. but he is not someone who gets to cry because he loves and is loved - even though he mourns for the divide that can open between him and others when he makes his choices.]
A country that will place one or a few people's happiness above all others will fall to ruin.
[in fact - that's exactly what happened, under the reign of il.
and soo-won simply couldn't let it go on any longer, no matter the pain that might ripple from that choice because no matter how much he loved yona, loved il, loved hak -
he loves... everyone.]
no subject
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[ Over you. ]
no subject
it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
no subject
It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
no subject
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
no subject
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[ Or perhaps for as long as he'll let it. ]
no subject
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
(no subject)