[jeanne is perhaps a little bit stronger than he is - soo-won knew for a fact that there would be people he'd never get to see again. and yet when they're in front of him, reminding of those warm, sunny days where there was only laughter and smiles...
it grows hard for him to be detached.
. . . . though he blinks in confusion at that, tilting his head at her apparent uncertainty.]
.... is there a chance that that person was taken from you? Whoever it is, that belongs in your story.
[a gentle suggestion, a wonder.
as for him - ]
.... Yona. Hak. [she'll feel it - the gentle surprise at his own admittance, before resignation, the way that he accepts that his words will come even if he doesn't want them to] My mother. My father.
[(if there's a reason i'm still alive when everyone who loved me has died, i'm willing to wait for it.)]
When I rose to the position of king, I knew that my beloved people would not be at my side. Not with the way that politics works. Even still - it is difficult to suggest that I don't love them.
But the dreams of children who want innocent days to last forever are only that - dreams.
[ There's puzzlement and confusion at his suggestion. ]
There is, but there is no way for me to confirm what exactly was taken until I can think about it more.
[ She did not think she would feel anything like that with someone she could part with, but he will feel her surprise when he mentions Yona. She had wondered how they knew each other, but she didn't ask after it.
There is a quiet sadness and some understanding. ]
You can still love them even if you had to leave them behind. It is nothing so simple, no matter how much we want it to be, no matter how much we'd like it to be for the decisions we made.
Dreams made in childhood are still a part of us.
[ That is what the ocean means to her, a silly dream she left behind. ]
[ . . . . the question is straightforward and so his answer is surprisingly straightforward:]
An important part of my childhood. I remember the first day I saw her, when she was barely a year old. I had snuck in past the guards and visited her, because I thought that she must be lonely since she and her mother did get that many guests.
Her father found me, and then ushered me back to my mother. [and - she'll feel the oddity in his feelings then. the way that he wants to end his sentence there, and yet he finds himself continuing to speak instead.] ... he'd said that he got an unpleasant feeling from me.
[though.
to his credit he seems to notice the words he'd said, and the feelings that they stir up - sadness, worry, concern that perhaps everyone gets that feeling from him - before he puts them in a box and locks them away. compartmentalized.]
.... her father was the king before me, and she is the beloved Princess Yona.
[though with those words come nothing short of a flood of affection, of adoration - coupled with notes of loss and heartache, of recognizing that she is someone who should no longer be within his reach]
[ Her heart aches, listening, and she has to wonder even as the sadness washes over her about the oddity in how he seemed to not want to disclose so much. Did he lose something, or is it a compulsion?
Jeanne is a little torn, wanting to know more of Soo-won but not wanting it if it's not entirely his choice to divulge so much. To be told something by his uncle at such a young age—
Her hands curl into loose fists because she wants to touch him but doesn't think it's worth shocking him for. Jeanne is not someone who cries easily, but she feels like she could cry right now.
She doesn't. ]
You love her.
[ Her voice is soft, but she can't deny the truth of it. Even if he was instrumental in however his uncle was removed, he does still love Yona.
It's heartbreaking. The extent of how much he shut some of his feelings aay to move forward with what he thought was more important (his country, not himself). ]
[to his credit, this time he's not trying to provide false equivocations. he's not trying to suggest things that may be able to pull the conversation away from what's at hand.
but the fact remains that he feels like he needs to correct:]
... I love everyone.
[and that, painfully and clearly, is true and sincere.
soo-won loves everyone. he loves the strangers that he meets, he loves his advisors and soldiers, he loves the only friends who knew him all his life. but he is not someone who gets to cry because he loves and is loved - even though he mourns for the divide that can open between him and others when he makes his choices.]
A country that will place one or a few people's happiness above all others will fall to ruin.
[in fact - that's exactly what happened, under the reign of il.
and soo-won simply couldn't let it go on any longer, no matter the pain that might ripple from that choice because no matter how much he loved yona, loved il, loved hak -
[ There is something that shakes and reverberates, loosened chains that have locked away feelings she's sealed. It is something that hurts, and she's not sure why. She doesn't know why, as if something is missing.
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[it's easy to suggest that soo-won's love for everyone means that he's not attached to anyone in particular - but it's not as though his path is one that's guided by apathy or lack of interest. quite the opposite, in fact.
it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
[ There is a dull ache in response, and she can't argue against that, not when she's had similar feelings. She could not tell Soo-won to betray his decisions when she does not know how to herself.
It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
[ . . . . the truth is in the fact that he doesn't think that he deserves happiness, not after what he's done. he loves deeply, but that doesn't change the fact that he will still bring harm to those that he loves if it means saving a greater number of people. no matter what it causes him to lose, he will walk forward.
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
[ It hurts and scares her a little (maybe more than a little, but it's too complicated for her dissect it, for her to want to dissect it) how much what he says is an echo of part of what she feels for herself. There are likely more than just Hansa who know her name in full, but she hasn't given it to anyone who wouldn't already know. Perhaps that is her one moment of selfishness.
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[i have to acknowledge it because you're going to be mad at me but even if he notices the yearning for what it is, he's honestly just going to blink in surprise before just assuming it was misplaced and not meant for him. i'm sorry. these are the choices we've made.
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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it grows hard for him to be detached.
. . . . though he blinks in confusion at that, tilting his head at her apparent uncertainty.]
Someone...? Are you unsure?
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There is a sort of emptiness that follows that uncertainty before it's replaced by a certain thoughtfulness.
Jeanne shakes her head with a smile. ]
Logically, it would have to be someone, if it is a tale of love. I'm not sure... why I felt so uncertain saying that.
Who is it that you miss?
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.... is there a chance that that person was taken from you? Whoever it is, that belongs in your story.
[a gentle suggestion, a wonder.
as for him - ]
.... Yona. Hak. [she'll feel it - the gentle surprise at his own admittance, before resignation, the way that he accepts that his words will come even if he doesn't want them to] My mother. My father.
[(if there's a reason i'm still alive when everyone who loved me has died, i'm willing to wait for it.)]
When I rose to the position of king, I knew that my beloved people would not be at my side. Not with the way that politics works. Even still - it is difficult to suggest that I don't love them.
But the dreams of children who want innocent days to last forever are only that - dreams.
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There is, but there is no way for me to confirm what exactly was taken until I can think about it more.
[ She did not think she would feel anything like that with someone she could part with, but he will feel her surprise when he mentions Yona. She had wondered how they knew each other, but she didn't ask after it.
There is a quiet sadness and some understanding. ]
You can still love them even if you had to leave them behind. It is nothing so simple, no matter how much we want it to be, no matter how much we'd like it to be for the decisions we made.
Dreams made in childhood are still a part of us.
[ That is what the ocean means to her, a silly dream she left behind. ]
Soo-won, who is Yona to you?
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An important part of my childhood. I remember the first day I saw her, when she was barely a year old. I had snuck in past the guards and visited her, because I thought that she must be lonely since she and her mother did get that many guests.
Her father found me, and then ushered me back to my mother. [and - she'll feel the oddity in his feelings then. the way that he wants to end his sentence there, and yet he finds himself continuing to speak instead.] ... he'd said that he got an unpleasant feeling from me.
[though.
to his credit he seems to notice the words he'd said, and the feelings that they stir up - sadness, worry, concern that perhaps everyone gets that feeling from him - before he puts them in a box and locks them away. compartmentalized.]
.... her father was the king before me, and she is the beloved Princess Yona.
[though with those words come nothing short of a flood of affection, of adoration - coupled with notes of loss and heartache, of recognizing that she is someone who should no longer be within his reach]
no subject
Jeanne is a little torn, wanting to know more of Soo-won but not wanting it if it's not entirely his choice to divulge so much. To be told something by his uncle at such a young age—
Her hands curl into loose fists because she wants to touch him but doesn't think it's worth shocking him for. Jeanne is not someone who cries easily, but she feels like she could cry right now.
She doesn't. ]
You love her.
[ Her voice is soft, but she can't deny the truth of it. Even if he was instrumental in however his uncle was removed, he does still love Yona.
It's heartbreaking. The extent of how much he shut some of his feelings aay to move forward with what he thought was more important (his country, not himself). ]
no subject
but the fact remains that he feels like he needs to correct:]
... I love everyone.
[and that, painfully and clearly, is true and sincere.
soo-won loves everyone. he loves the strangers that he meets, he loves his advisors and soldiers, he loves the only friends who knew him all his life. but he is not someone who gets to cry because he loves and is loved - even though he mourns for the divide that can open between him and others when he makes his choices.]
A country that will place one or a few people's happiness above all others will fall to ruin.
[in fact - that's exactly what happened, under the reign of il.
and soo-won simply couldn't let it go on any longer, no matter the pain that might ripple from that choice because no matter how much he loved yona, loved il, loved hak -
he loves... everyone.]
no subject
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[ Over you. ]
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it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
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It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
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but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
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Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[ Or perhaps for as long as he'll let it. ]
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but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
no subject
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]