[ There is something that shakes and reverberates, loosened chains that have locked away feelings she's sealed. It is something that hurts, and she's not sure why. She doesn't know why, as if something is missing.
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[it's easy to suggest that soo-won's love for everyone means that he's not attached to anyone in particular - but it's not as though his path is one that's guided by apathy or lack of interest. quite the opposite, in fact.
it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
[ There is a dull ache in response, and she can't argue against that, not when she's had similar feelings. She could not tell Soo-won to betray his decisions when she does not know how to herself.
It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
[ . . . . the truth is in the fact that he doesn't think that he deserves happiness, not after what he's done. he loves deeply, but that doesn't change the fact that he will still bring harm to those that he loves if it means saving a greater number of people. no matter what it causes him to lose, he will walk forward.
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
[ It hurts and scares her a little (maybe more than a little, but it's too complicated for her dissect it, for her to want to dissect it) how much what he says is an echo of part of what she feels for herself. There are likely more than just Hansa who know her name in full, but she hasn't given it to anyone who wouldn't already know. Perhaps that is her one moment of selfishness.
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[i have to acknowledge it because you're going to be mad at me but even if he notices the yearning for what it is, he's honestly just going to blink in surprise before just assuming it was misplaced and not meant for him. i'm sorry. these are the choices we've made.
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She can't say she doesn't understand, but for some reason, it's more painful now. Jeanne loves humanity, and she has no intention to love any individual, but....
There is something different, she thinks, between Soo-won and her in how they love. ]
But you still love her, as an individual, don't you? Even if you've chosen your citizens over her.
[ Over you. ]
no subject
it's why he can't truly find it in him to deny jeanne's words, at least not directly.
yet even still.]
... it's not something I have the right to ruminate on.
[it's not something he has the right to regret, given the path that he's chosen and the decisions that he's made. it doesn't matter how badly or intensely he loves someone.
not when it will only get in his way and paralyze his ability to make decisions for the whole.
jeanne will feel it - the tell-tale way that soo-won's emotions seem to get further, dampened forcefully, as if to be put in a box and stored away.]
Whatever that pain is that I feel... I've harmed her more than I've loved her.
Her father was right - there should be someone at her side who can truly put her interests first.
[and that person was never going to be him, no matter how much he may love both hak and yona even still.
it's better if they're together, somewhere far away from his sight or reach.]
no subject
It is tragic, but she cannot disregard his choices. She can't tell him to be selfish, but even so... ]
I cannot disrespect your decisions. I cannot say you did not do irreparable harm to Yona. I would not want to take you away from the path you've set off on, but...
Soo-won, even if you've given up on it, I still want you to be able to find happiness. At least, I don't think it'd be wrong for you to be able to. Even if you can't hold onto dreams you've left behind.
[ Even if he rejects the notion, she still wants him to hear it. He can feel her sincerity and something like warmth. ]
no subject
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
no subject
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[ Or perhaps for as long as he'll let it. ]
no subject
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
no subject
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]