[ . . . . the truth is in the fact that he doesn't think that he deserves happiness, not after what he's done. he loves deeply, but that doesn't change the fact that he will still bring harm to those that he loves if it means saving a greater number of people. no matter what it causes him to lose, he will walk forward.
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
[ It hurts and scares her a little (maybe more than a little, but it's too complicated for her dissect it, for her to want to dissect it) how much what he says is an echo of part of what she feels for herself. There are likely more than just Hansa who know her name in full, but she hasn't given it to anyone who wouldn't already know. Perhaps that is her one moment of selfishness.
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[i have to acknowledge it because you're going to be mad at me but even if he notices the yearning for what it is, he's honestly just going to blink in surprise before just assuming it was misplaced and not meant for him. i'm sorry. these are the choices we've made.
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]
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no subject
but even so.... when jeanne says something like that so sincerely - he can't help but feel something almost like guilt.]
.... I don't mind when people call me Won here. When they treat me as a merchant and as a friend. Part of it is because there is no use in knowing that I am a king... but perhaps selfishly....
... Even though I do not deserve happiness, I do not keep it from finding me.
The moments that I have here with people.... it is more than someone like me should be afforded and yet -
[and yet. his heart twists in a way that is truly bittersweet. what is someone to do when they find delight and joy in everything in the world - but simultaneously know that none of it is meant for them?
it still doesn't stop him.]
.... I am happy at times.
[even if he shouldn't be.]
Speaking with you, knowing you, being at your side - that makes me happy, even if it's not meant to.
no subject
Perhaps... it is why being with Soo-won feels like selfishness, and her own guilt rises for feeling like that and for bringing up his heartache. A soft feeling like yearning flickers before she snuffs it out immediately, sweeping it away where she can't think about it.
She raises her hands to cover her face for a moment, and when she drops them, she's smiling softly. ]
If you can feel happy by my side, I'm glad. Whether either of us have a right to be happy for what we've done, for what we'll choose to do, if being with me can give you comfort, I'm glad.
Whatever is meant to be or not, what we have is what is. What you think you don't deserve, what you think you shouldn't have— I'll still give you, for as long as I'm able.
[ Or perhaps for as long as he'll let it. ]
no subject
but regardless -
it's not as though soo-won is someone who intentionally dwells on the weight of his own sins. he tries not to shrug them off or run from them - but given the softness from jeanne in this moment, and the way that she smiles at him...
it would be remiss, he thinks, to linger on anything else. when she offers these sweet words to him, and even as the heartache retreats, there's only soft warmth in its place.]
.... you needn't give me anything, Jeanne.
[the gentlest correction - because it's not as though he's seeking anything from her. from the beginning, he never did. but she didn't seek anything from him either. perhaps that is what so unique.]
You need only be yourself. So long as that's true - I'm content, to know you and to be at your side.
I can only hope to give some of that reassurance and comfort back to you.
no subject
Jeanne is never going to dissect what kind of yearning that was, but perhaps there's a hint in the way her fingers curl loosely into fists and perhaps the way she makes her fingers flatten against her legs is another hint to what she'd do with those feelings if she could even recognize what half of it meant. ]
If I said, that is how I am? I am being myself. I would not give you anything I would not give anyone else.
[ It's not insincere. ]
And I would not spend so much time with you, if I didn't feel the same.
[ The only feeling she's sending is a steady assurance. Everything else is tucked away. ]