soo-won just manages a bit of a quiet smile at that - even though the look in his eyes suggests that he knows that he might be in trouble.]
.... in all honesty, I'd thought that everyone had already been able to piece together what I'd done. Some of my defenses were less convincing than others, after all.
[everyone: the blonde hair was planted to frame soo-won soo-won: ok]
[ . . . . he frowns at that - because honestly, the suspicions that kept being cast on jeanne after what he'd done may be the only thing that he truly regretted.
"kano died?" did he stutter?
though he just holds onto her hand more tightly - for just a moment.]
.... I do not think it would have been amusing.
.... I'm not a particularly good person. If they choose to believe in me, I'm grateful. It makes it easier for me to accomplish what's necessary.
Though even at that time, I had been trying my best to lead us to what we I thought we could live with.
If I failed to see the bad with the good, can I truly know and acknowledge someone? It wouldn't be fair, and I'd be terrible with my own responsibilities.
[ To be as neutral as she has to be, she has to keep her eyes and mind open. ]
But I don't mind being abnormal in this case. I don't really care about being normal at all.
[ And if understanding Soo-won falls under that category, isn't that just fine? ]
[ . . . it's not that he doesn't understand. in fact, he understands perfectly. that to truly ascertain an understanding of a situation, they have to acknowledge everything about a person. the bad, the good, and -
he shakes his head fondly as they walk along the river.]
I suppose we're simply as we are, whatever that means.
[without having to think of other responsibilities.
though, he can't help but wonder.]
... if we're able to leave after this, where do you think you'll go? What will you do?
[he knows a little bit about the nature of Servants - he wonders what jeanne's plans are.]
I will finish what I set out to do, and if all goes to plan, that will be that. I will not be needed anymore.
[ She is going to die. She will be dead, and that's fine. She doesn't mind, but that isn't necessarily the end for her because her existence isn't gone. ]
I am not someone who can be summoned easily. [ She smiles a little. ] It's more likely that I won't answer anyone because there is no point for me to when I don't care to have a wish granted. I'm not a Servant who has a Master usually.
But because of that, I should have more freedom. [ Since she's going to ignore any calls to fight in a Holy Grail War rather than mediating it. ]
... Did you think the words I said to you all those weeks ago were said lightly? I meant them. I still mean them, if you still mean yours.
[ She doesn't know if he still does, if maybe having all his memories again would've changed his mind. She'd understand if it did. ]
ultimately, until his death, he believed in her words. he believed that even if it would not be immediate or easy, he decided to have faith that perhaps, under her own power, they would meet again one day. regardless of circumstance or time, maybe it would be possible.]
.... there are things that I think I should confess to you, so that you may make your judgment more certainly. Such a thing would only be fair, wouldn't it?
[before she says she wants to be at his side - before she suggests that is where she wants to be, when she is not needed elsewhere.]
I believe it clear enough that I have lied to you.
I have taken life here - first to save my own, second to prevent splintering from continuing to manifest. In a way, I will take responsibility for Kano as well, because Hilda couldn't confess - but I could. And I chose not to.
I have been complicit in listening to those who have taken life - and allowed it to persist. I've contributed in directing or misdirecting trials as necessary.
[ . . . ]
And I knew, from the Sunday that you told me that you would be killing Fiora, that you would be saved, because I encouraged Xie Lian to choose you rather than another. Because I made my own judgment, that I would capitalize on the rewards of your willingness to take life and be condemned -
But in the same breath I could not allow for another future in which you would not be saved if there was anything I could do to keep you alive, even if it meant deceiving you.
[he raises a brow at that]
Would you then suggest you would still be at my side?
It became very clear how much you have lied and obfuscated once things came out today. It would be a lie to say I wasn't—[ She pauses, trying to find the right word. ] Disappointed? Or hurt when I realized how much.
[ She had pieced together a couple things after he died with some things people had told her, but it still wasn't the whole picture.
What made her the most tired today was seeing and hearing how much she was lied to. There is no anger, and there is no resentment. She is tired, and she is hurt, but more than that, she is glad it's done. It's not like people haven't done worse to her before. ]
Thank you for finally telling me with your own words.
[ It's enough for her that he decided to tell her now. ]
I believe I already told you I know you're not a good person. Would you like me to tell you I'd be happy to cut your tongue out like I did with Emet-Selch?
[ A small smile curves her lips. Again, there is no malice in her threat.
Her feelings on being saved were complicated that Sunday, and they are still complicated now. In fact, they are even more complicated, but she is sure on her feelings in answer to his question.
She slows her walk to a stop and lets go of his hand. ]
You're foolish. I've already done more than suggest. But for all that I do not like some of your choices—
[ She rises on the tips of her toes to reach for his face, cupping it with both hands before bringing him down closer to her level, so he can see the conviction in her eyes, the certainty of her words. ]
I want to be at your side. But only if you still want me there.
[ It is too late for her reply to be anything else, and even if she does not think it is right for her to feel this way, she can no longer lie to herself. She can't deny the truth that once she is no longer needed by her world that she wants to go to him.
She doesn't have the right to, but she does not want to leave him. It is telling enough to her what it means even if it aches. ]
[disappointment and hurt are to be expected - those were within his realm of calculations. for people to be surprised. if not by what he was capable of, then the fact that he would go out of his way to hide it in order to advance his own agenda... even if the only items on that agenda were for the sake of the whole. no one was going to come out of this unscathed - and he knew that well enough to include himself.
and yet, even then.
even through the disappointment and the hurt, the pain that he's inflicted and all that he has knowingly hidden from her -
when she guides his face downward, he doesn't pull away. in the same moment that he sees conviction in her eyes, it is evident when surprise and bewilderment flashes through his own.
he has never had anyone who truly wished to stay.
(even now, he doesn't know if he is willing to trust it. kye-sook stays out of loyalty to soo-won's father, and joo-doh stays out of the belief that soo-won is the best to guide the kingdom to prosperity. there are concrete reasons for those that are outside of his own person. but if jeanne wants to be at his side, with no attachment to his lineage or his kingdom - )
the words that leave his mouth are a combination of carefully chosen language, and sentiments that demand to escape before he can hold them back.]
... if it is only a matter of wishing and wanting -
[of what it is that he yearns for on a personal note, rather than any logistics or any reality that they may still have to face]
How could my answer be anything besides 'of course'?
[if it is a fact that she wants to be with him - how could he ever hope to deny her?
soo-won does not think there are many battles that he is incapable of winning and yet, he finds himself at her mercy time and again.]
[ Soo-won is not the first king to betray her in some fashion, and perhaps it is the whole of her history that makes her able to accept how willing he was to lie her. Even without that, fairness and impartiality have fallen to the wayside when it comes to him.
(It's something she realized too late.)
When his words register, it's her turn to be surprised and bewildered. She had been bracing for him to tell her the opposite, and her hold on his face loosens. An emotion blossoms in her chest, and the smile that brightens her features is slow, sweet, and radiant.
For two people who don't wish or want for themselves much, it's enough for Jeanne.
(At least, for now it's enough when she still doesn't have the right to be selfish.) ]
If that is your answer, then once I'm finished with my duty, I will walk forward—
To you.
[ Because just as he can't put her first before his kingdom, she, too, can't put him first before her world.
Her feelings can't come first until she knows it's safe. ]
[two months isn't enough to shake off his sense of disbelief - even when he knows that there are things that are far more impossible have been accomplished here. healing injuries suddenly, losing and regaining memories in the blink of an eye, and reviving those who have been thoroughly killed.... himself included.
so it is hard for him to say that he can believe so easily in everything - there are still things that he must reserve his own judgment in, that he has to weigh. it is hard to say that he believes so entirely in this possibility where she might come to him, defying death once again, and crossing the worlds to see him.
he understands her duty, and he understands the desire to not let go of people.
it is harder for him to understand that someone like her would truly be willing to stay at the side of someone like him.
. . . even still, he feels as though it would be more cruel and callous, and a level of dishonest that he cannot see a purpose in pretending to be - to suggest that he would want it any other way.
he takes one of her hands in his, gently folding his fingers around hers, and raising it just enough so that he can brush a kiss over the back of her knuckles.
[ She does not know what he means by the gesture, but she is a girl unused to such things, so there is little defense against the blush that rises to her cheeks after a flash of surprise.
She looks away because she can't stand to look at him for a moment. It's too much even if it's supposed to mean little.
She clears her throat, regaining her composure. ]
That's enough.
[ It hits differently, hearing him say he believes in her versus hearing it from any other person. Even if they have barely broached the topic, she knows he lacks faith, so it means more that he'll try.
For even if he doesn't have much hope, that he'll try gives her some form of it. ]
[how cute her reaction was - though now he's just being mean.
but he'll just laugh quietly to himself and move to lower her hand, still holding onto it, and settling for interlacing their fingers as he continues to walk along the river. even he's not quite sure what he meant by the gesture - only that it seemed appropriate, to seal the promise with an affectionate gesture.]
Well, if you can think of anything else to ask for, do let me know.
I believe that after all I have put you through, I have rung up quite a list of grievances I will need to make amends for.
W-Why? I-It's not like I'm used to anything like that.
[ lord help her
It's in reply to everything he said. Handholds are one thing. Anything more than that is more than she's ever done (shoves her one kiss this game under the rug), and she is not one to ask for much. She never has. Even to make up for anything that's been done to her, she's never thought to ask for it.
She lets her gaze drift over the river as they continue to walk. ]
It's not like I'm going to sweep what you've done away, but when I feel like simply asking you if I could go to you and wishing for your answer to be yes is more than enough, I'm... [ Her voice grows softer. ] Uncertain.... or maybe afraid of what it would mean to be able to ask or wish for more.
Asking for answers is one thing. Asking for other things... is difficult.
[ What does it mean to ask for something for yourself?
She smiles as if to hide away some of her doubts. ]
But perhaps if things go well tomorrow and everything is returned to us, maybe I can try asking for something else.
in truth, he'd suggested it because he does feel as though there are some things that he owes her. more complete explanations, perhaps, for all the reasons why he lied and all the reasons why he told her about some matters and hid others away. that's the least that he can offer.
but if she wants something more than answers.... he's not quite sure what it could be.
with his hand in hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze even as he tilts his head.]
.... what is it that you want? Or do you truly wish to want to wait until tomorrow? I'll wait for whatever it is that you decide, if that's the case.
But even if we should meet our supposed end tomorrow....
I wouldn't mind knowing today.
[if only because - that is the type of person that he is. to make preparations, to have as much time to deliberate as possible. and given how he feels about jeanne - how much he wants to see her happy, how much he's willing to give her to make amends for all he's done and the fact that she's still willing to be at his side - he thinks that he would rather set the mechanisms for a life of happiness for her sooner rather than later.]
But if what you desire is something I can give you - I will do my best as well.
[he imagines that by now, if there is anything that he hopes that she knows -
it's how much he'll do for her, so long as it's within his means.]
I don't know if you should encourage me to ask more of you. I'm as much of a stranger to being selfish as you are, and if you—
[ If he encourages her to be more greedy...
She shakes her head. ]
I would be lying were I to say I did not want answers, if I said I did not want to know why you chose to hide the things you did from me, if only because I wish to understand you more. [ It's her turn to give his hand a gentle squeeze. ] For someone who tries so much to understand others, I feel as if sometimes, you make it hard for others to try to understand you.
[ There isn't any reproach to her words. It's an honest observation, and it's something she'd like to change, at least from her end. Even if they don't have all the hours in the world (funny how a wish quickly changes that), she does want to understand him more. She wants to understand him as best as she can.
And she understands she may be hurt again by what he may say. ]
What I want...
[ Is something she doesn't think she should say until her duty is done and is something she doesn't think Soo-won would consider until his is done. But if they meet their supposed end tomorrow—
She lifts their joined hands and holds it over her heart for a brief moment, an indication of what she'd like to say but doesn't think she should.
Is it something she should say in case they didn't end this cycle the way they wanted?
It's not like feelings are that easy to control, and she thinks his feelings are elsewhere. ]
... is that I would like you to carry something for me until I find you again.
[ . . . . it's not as though she is wrong - soo-won is the type of person who will ask others why they feel the way they do, and somehow finds a way to hold onto his admiration no matter what they tell him, in the vast majority of situations. however, it remains that there are not many instances in which he has the same favor returned to him.
but he doesn't think that's odd, or wrong. perhaps it is simply a set of circumstances that he has come to live with. still, he'll try to compromise:]
... I often think that my results will explain my actions - and so no words or explanations are ever truly enough unless someone else deems whether what I've done is worth it. [he doesn't try to explain why he killed the king of their country - for it doesn't matter to anyone except the citizens who live in kouka. otherwise, he will accept whether he is deserving of scorn or praise by strangers.] But... if you want to know, I will try to explain.
[if she makes it clear what she wants - he thinks that he will often try to meet that for her.
it is why he listens carefully when she starts to edge toward an answer, and he doesn't flinch away when she moves their hands and brings it over her heart. one blink, another, and a gentle tilt of his head.
(distantly, so distantly, he thinks that he might begin to form a guess. but isn't that theory something... far-fetched? like an idea just barely beginning to coalesce into understanding, piece by piece.]
.... very well. I'll do as you ask, if you would trust me with it.
Soo-won, you are not merely the culmination of your actions and your results. I know you are sure in your decisions and your judgments and that you think whatever you do is worth it.
But for as long as I'm able, I would like to try to know the entirety of you to whatever extent I can. That includes your feelings to go along with your actions. I have always wanted to know you for who you are as a person.
Isn't that one of the first things we said to each other?
[ That they could just be Soo-won and Jeanne.
For however much he'll allow, she wants to hear whatever he'll say, if he is not afraid of being known (she doesn't think he is). She does think he dismisses himself a bit too much and she wants to change that, at least with one person. ]
For as much as you have lied to me, I do trust you still.
[ She's sincere, and she's not sure if she wants him to realize her feelings. A part of her hopes he stays dumb as a rock when it comes to love. It's scary. It's honestly one of the most frightening things to her.
That she's even as aware of her own feelings as much as she is - is so much for her to bear. ]
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Do you think you could? [ THE SHEER CONVICTION OF THEIR BELIEFS. ] But I don't think I would mind because it'd be time spent with you.
[ And any time spent with him is worth it even if it's them arguing. ]
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... mm. I agree.
[he lets their hands swing between them]
What shall we do then? With the time left remaining before we determine our fates tomorrow?
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She looks thoughtful for a moment. ]
Truthfully, we take a walk or sit and do nothing and it would be enough for me. Is that boring?
[ She's simple in the end for someone who doesn't like staying still. ]
It doesn't really matter, as long as it's with you.
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You're awfully forward today, Jeanne.
[he sounds - a bit embarrassed? though it's not like he doesn't understand, but, hearing those words from her is still a bit....
he shakes his head.]
Let's go to the river then. It might be nice to be by the water.
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[ She breezes past that and tugs at his hand a bit to indicate she's going to start walking towards the river. ]
I suppose in what time we have left remaining, I'd rather be clear. It became so apparent to me how short our time together is.
[ And before, while she knew how true that was, it became more intensely true after he died (for the third time). ]
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soo-won just manages a bit of a quiet smile at that - even though the look in his eyes suggests that he knows that he might be in trouble.]
.... in all honesty, I'd thought that everyone had already been able to piece together what I'd done. Some of my defenses were less convincing than others, after all.
[everyone: the blonde hair was planted to frame soo-won
soo-won: ok]
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jeanne, now: looks into the abyss
She isn't really bothered by it, though. ]
It would have been amusing if I had been voted for what you did.
[ She kind of means that sincerely. She knows it's a little bit mean to say. ]
Even when you make it clear how morals aren't a priority to you, it seems enough people prefer to look at the light you give off.
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"kano died?" did he stutter?
though he just holds onto her hand more tightly - for just a moment.]
.... I do not think it would have been amusing.
.... I'm not a particularly good person. If they choose to believe in me, I'm grateful. It makes it easier for me to accomplish what's necessary.
Though even at that time, I had been trying my best to lead us to what we I thought we could live with.
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Kings don't tend to be good people because to be a good king, you can't always be good.
[ It comes with the territory. ]
But even without being a king, I know what you're like enough. It's not like we disagree on much.
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. . . but he just sighs a bit at that.]
We don't, but being understood to such an extent is hardly the norm for me.
[like she said - people prefer to notice the light he gives off, and the good decisions he makes that get excellent results.
acknowledging the difficulties and troubles of that... is less common]
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[ To be as neutral as she has to be, she has to keep her eyes and mind open. ]
But I don't mind being abnormal in this case. I don't really care about being normal at all.
[ And if understanding Soo-won falls under that category, isn't that just fine? ]
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he shakes his head fondly as they walk along the river.]
I suppose we're simply as we are, whatever that means.
[without having to think of other responsibilities.
though, he can't help but wonder.]
... if we're able to leave after this, where do you think you'll go? What will you do?
[he knows a little bit about the nature of Servants - he wonders what jeanne's plans are.]
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[ She is going to die. She will be dead, and that's fine. She doesn't mind, but that isn't necessarily the end for her because her existence isn't gone. ]
I am not someone who can be summoned easily. [ She smiles a little. ] It's more likely that I won't answer anyone because there is no point for me to when I don't care to have a wish granted. I'm not a Servant who has a Master usually.
But because of that, I should have more freedom. [ Since she's going to ignore any calls to fight in a Holy Grail War rather than mediating it. ]
... Did you think the words I said to you all those weeks ago were said lightly? I meant them. I still mean them, if you still mean yours.
[ She doesn't know if he still does, if maybe having all his memories again would've changed his mind. She'd understand if it did. ]
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ultimately, until his death, he believed in her words. he believed that even if it would not be immediate or easy, he decided to have faith that perhaps, under her own power, they would meet again one day. regardless of circumstance or time, maybe it would be possible.]
.... there are things that I think I should confess to you, so that you may make your judgment more certainly. Such a thing would only be fair, wouldn't it?
[before she says she wants to be at his side - before she suggests that is where she wants to be, when she is not needed elsewhere.]
I believe it clear enough that I have lied to you.
I have taken life here - first to save my own, second to prevent splintering from continuing to manifest. In a way, I will take responsibility for Kano as well, because Hilda couldn't confess - but I could. And I chose not to.
I have been complicit in listening to those who have taken life - and allowed it to persist. I've contributed in directing or misdirecting trials as necessary.
[ . . . ]
And I knew, from the Sunday that you told me that you would be killing Fiora, that you would be saved, because I encouraged Xie Lian to choose you rather than another. Because I made my own judgment, that I would capitalize on the rewards of your willingness to take life and be condemned -
But in the same breath I could not allow for another future in which you would not be saved if there was anything I could do to keep you alive, even if it meant deceiving you.
[he raises a brow at that]
Would you then suggest you would still be at my side?
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[ She had pieced together a couple things after he died with some things people had told her, but it still wasn't the whole picture.
What made her the most tired today was seeing and hearing how much she was lied to. There is no anger, and there is no resentment. She is tired, and she is hurt, but more than that, she is glad it's done. It's not like people haven't done worse to her before. ]
Thank you for finally telling me with your own words.
[ It's enough for her that he decided to tell her now. ]
I believe I already told you I know you're not a good person. Would you like me to tell you I'd be happy to cut your tongue out like I did with Emet-Selch?
[ A small smile curves her lips. Again, there is no malice in her threat.
Her feelings on being saved were complicated that Sunday, and they are still complicated now. In fact, they are even more complicated, but she is sure on her feelings in answer to his question.
She slows her walk to a stop and lets go of his hand. ]
You're foolish. I've already done more than suggest. But for all that I do not like some of your choices—
[ She rises on the tips of her toes to reach for his face, cupping it with both hands before bringing him down closer to her level, so he can see the conviction in her eyes, the certainty of her words. ]
I want to be at your side. But only if you still want me there.
[ It is too late for her reply to be anything else, and even if she does not think it is right for her to feel this way, she can no longer lie to herself. She can't deny the truth that once she is no longer needed by her world that she wants to go to him.
She doesn't have the right to, but she does not want to leave him. It is telling enough to her what it means even if it aches. ]
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and yet, even then.
even through the disappointment and the hurt, the pain that he's inflicted and all that he has knowingly hidden from her -
when she guides his face downward, he doesn't pull away. in the same moment that he sees conviction in her eyes, it is evident when surprise and bewilderment flashes through his own.
he has never had anyone who truly wished to stay.
(even now, he doesn't know if he is willing to trust it. kye-sook stays out of loyalty to soo-won's father, and joo-doh stays out of the belief that soo-won is the best to guide the kingdom to prosperity. there are concrete reasons for those that are outside of his own person. but if jeanne wants to be at his side, with no attachment to his lineage or his kingdom - )
the words that leave his mouth are a combination of carefully chosen language, and sentiments that demand to escape before he can hold them back.]
... if it is only a matter of wishing and wanting -
[of what it is that he yearns for on a personal note, rather than any logistics or any reality that they may still have to face]
How could my answer be anything besides 'of course'?
[if it is a fact that she wants to be with him - how could he ever hope to deny her?
soo-won does not think there are many battles that he is incapable of winning and yet, he finds himself at her mercy time and again.]
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(It's something she realized too late.)
When his words register, it's her turn to be surprised and bewildered. She had been bracing for him to tell her the opposite, and her hold on his face loosens. An emotion blossoms in her chest, and the smile that brightens her features is slow, sweet, and radiant.
For two people who don't wish or want for themselves much, it's enough for Jeanne.
(At least, for now it's enough when she still doesn't have the right to be selfish.) ]
If that is your answer, then once I'm finished with my duty, I will walk forward—
To you.
[ Because just as he can't put her first before his kingdom, she, too, can't put him first before her world.
Her feelings can't come first until she knows it's safe. ]
Can you believe in that?
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so it is hard for him to say that he can believe so easily in everything - there are still things that he must reserve his own judgment in, that he has to weigh. it is hard to say that he believes so entirely in this possibility where she might come to him, defying death once again, and crossing the worlds to see him.
he understands her duty, and he understands the desire to not let go of people.
it is harder for him to understand that someone like her would truly be willing to stay at the side of someone like him.
. . . even still, he feels as though it would be more cruel and callous, and a level of dishonest that he cannot see a purpose in pretending to be - to suggest that he would want it any other way.
he takes one of her hands in his, gently folding his fingers around hers, and raising it just enough so that he can brush a kiss over the back of her knuckles.
it is still hard for him to have faith.]
I'll believe in you.
[but he will try, if it is for her.]
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She looks away because she can't stand to look at him for a moment. It's too much even if it's supposed to mean little.
She clears her throat, regaining her composure. ]
That's enough.
[ It hits differently, hearing him say he believes in her versus hearing it from any other person. Even if they have barely broached the topic, she knows he lacks faith, so it means more that he'll try.
For even if he doesn't have much hope, that he'll try gives her some form of it. ]
I'll not ask more of you.
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... how unexpected....
[how cute her reaction was - though now he's just being mean.
but he'll just laugh quietly to himself and move to lower her hand, still holding onto it, and settling for interlacing their fingers as he continues to walk along the river. even he's not quite sure what he meant by the gesture - only that it seemed appropriate, to seal the promise with an affectionate gesture.]
Well, if you can think of anything else to ask for, do let me know.
I believe that after all I have put you through, I have rung up quite a list of grievances I will need to make amends for.
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[ lord help her
It's in reply to everything he said. Handholds are one thing. Anything more than that is more than she's ever done (shoves her one kiss this game under the rug), and she is not one to ask for much. She never has. Even to make up for anything that's been done to her, she's never thought to ask for it.
She lets her gaze drift over the river as they continue to walk. ]
It's not like I'm going to sweep what you've done away, but when I feel like simply asking you if I could go to you and wishing for your answer to be yes is more than enough, I'm... [ Her voice grows softer. ] Uncertain.... or maybe afraid of what it would mean to be able to ask or wish for more.
Asking for answers is one thing. Asking for other things... is difficult.
[ What does it mean to ask for something for yourself?
She smiles as if to hide away some of her doubts. ]
But perhaps if things go well tomorrow and everything is returned to us, maybe I can try asking for something else.
[ Like tossing him into the river (no). ]
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in truth, he'd suggested it because he does feel as though there are some things that he owes her. more complete explanations, perhaps, for all the reasons why he lied and all the reasons why he told her about some matters and hid others away. that's the least that he can offer.
but if she wants something more than answers.... he's not quite sure what it could be.
with his hand in hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze even as he tilts his head.]
.... what is it that you want? Or do you truly wish to want to wait until tomorrow? I'll wait for whatever it is that you decide, if that's the case.
But even if we should meet our supposed end tomorrow....
I wouldn't mind knowing today.
[if only because - that is the type of person that he is. to make preparations, to have as much time to deliberate as possible. and given how he feels about jeanne - how much he wants to see her happy, how much he's willing to give her to make amends for all he's done and the fact that she's still willing to be at his side - he thinks that he would rather set the mechanisms for a life of happiness for her sooner rather than later.]
But if what you desire is something I can give you - I will do my best as well.
[he imagines that by now, if there is anything that he hopes that she knows -
it's how much he'll do for her, so long as it's within his means.]
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[ If he encourages her to be more greedy...
She shakes her head. ]
I would be lying were I to say I did not want answers, if I said I did not want to know why you chose to hide the things you did from me, if only because I wish to understand you more. [ It's her turn to give his hand a gentle squeeze. ] For someone who tries so much to understand others, I feel as if sometimes, you make it hard for others to try to understand you.
[ There isn't any reproach to her words. It's an honest observation, and it's something she'd like to change, at least from her end. Even if they don't have all the hours in the world (funny how a wish quickly changes that), she does want to understand him more. She wants to understand him as best as she can.
And she understands she may be hurt again by what he may say. ]
What I want...
[ Is something she doesn't think she should say until her duty is done and is something she doesn't think Soo-won would consider until his is done. But if they meet their supposed end tomorrow—
She lifts their joined hands and holds it over her heart for a brief moment, an indication of what she'd like to say but doesn't think she should.
Is it something she should say in case they didn't end this cycle the way they wanted?
It's not like feelings are that easy to control, and she thinks his feelings are elsewhere. ]
... is that I would like you to carry something for me until I find you again.
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but he doesn't think that's odd, or wrong. perhaps it is simply a set of circumstances that he has come to live with. still, he'll try to compromise:]
... I often think that my results will explain my actions - and so no words or explanations are ever truly enough unless someone else deems whether what I've done is worth it. [he doesn't try to explain why he killed the king of their country - for it doesn't matter to anyone except the citizens who live in kouka. otherwise, he will accept whether he is deserving of scorn or praise by strangers.] But... if you want to know, I will try to explain.
[if she makes it clear what she wants - he thinks that he will often try to meet that for her.
it is why he listens carefully when she starts to edge toward an answer, and he doesn't flinch away when she moves their hands and brings it over her heart. one blink, another, and a gentle tilt of his head.
(distantly, so distantly, he thinks that he might begin to form a guess. but isn't that theory something... far-fetched? like an idea just barely beginning to coalesce into understanding, piece by piece.]
.... very well. I'll do as you ask, if you would trust me with it.
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But for as long as I'm able, I would like to try to know the entirety of you to whatever extent I can. That includes your feelings to go along with your actions. I have always wanted to know you for who you are as a person.
Isn't that one of the first things we said to each other?
[ That they could just be Soo-won and Jeanne.
For however much he'll allow, she wants to hear whatever he'll say, if he is not afraid of being known (she doesn't think he is). She does think he dismisses himself a bit too much and she wants to change that, at least with one person. ]
For as much as you have lied to me, I do trust you still.
[ She's sincere, and she's not sure if she wants him to realize her feelings. A part of her hopes he stays dumb as a rock when it comes to love. It's scary. It's honestly one of the most frightening things to her.
That she's even as aware of her own feelings as much as she is - is so much for her to bear. ]
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