[ . . . . he frowns at that - because honestly, the suspicions that kept being cast on jeanne after what he'd done may be the only thing that he truly regretted.
"kano died?" did he stutter?
though he just holds onto her hand more tightly - for just a moment.]
.... I do not think it would have been amusing.
.... I'm not a particularly good person. If they choose to believe in me, I'm grateful. It makes it easier for me to accomplish what's necessary.
Though even at that time, I had been trying my best to lead us to what we I thought we could live with.
If I failed to see the bad with the good, can I truly know and acknowledge someone? It wouldn't be fair, and I'd be terrible with my own responsibilities.
[ To be as neutral as she has to be, she has to keep her eyes and mind open. ]
But I don't mind being abnormal in this case. I don't really care about being normal at all.
[ And if understanding Soo-won falls under that category, isn't that just fine? ]
[ . . . it's not that he doesn't understand. in fact, he understands perfectly. that to truly ascertain an understanding of a situation, they have to acknowledge everything about a person. the bad, the good, and -
he shakes his head fondly as they walk along the river.]
I suppose we're simply as we are, whatever that means.
[without having to think of other responsibilities.
though, he can't help but wonder.]
... if we're able to leave after this, where do you think you'll go? What will you do?
[he knows a little bit about the nature of Servants - he wonders what jeanne's plans are.]
I will finish what I set out to do, and if all goes to plan, that will be that. I will not be needed anymore.
[ She is going to die. She will be dead, and that's fine. She doesn't mind, but that isn't necessarily the end for her because her existence isn't gone. ]
I am not someone who can be summoned easily. [ She smiles a little. ] It's more likely that I won't answer anyone because there is no point for me to when I don't care to have a wish granted. I'm not a Servant who has a Master usually.
But because of that, I should have more freedom. [ Since she's going to ignore any calls to fight in a Holy Grail War rather than mediating it. ]
... Did you think the words I said to you all those weeks ago were said lightly? I meant them. I still mean them, if you still mean yours.
[ She doesn't know if he still does, if maybe having all his memories again would've changed his mind. She'd understand if it did. ]
ultimately, until his death, he believed in her words. he believed that even if it would not be immediate or easy, he decided to have faith that perhaps, under her own power, they would meet again one day. regardless of circumstance or time, maybe it would be possible.]
.... there are things that I think I should confess to you, so that you may make your judgment more certainly. Such a thing would only be fair, wouldn't it?
[before she says she wants to be at his side - before she suggests that is where she wants to be, when she is not needed elsewhere.]
I believe it clear enough that I have lied to you.
I have taken life here - first to save my own, second to prevent splintering from continuing to manifest. In a way, I will take responsibility for Kano as well, because Hilda couldn't confess - but I could. And I chose not to.
I have been complicit in listening to those who have taken life - and allowed it to persist. I've contributed in directing or misdirecting trials as necessary.
[ . . . ]
And I knew, from the Sunday that you told me that you would be killing Fiora, that you would be saved, because I encouraged Xie Lian to choose you rather than another. Because I made my own judgment, that I would capitalize on the rewards of your willingness to take life and be condemned -
But in the same breath I could not allow for another future in which you would not be saved if there was anything I could do to keep you alive, even if it meant deceiving you.
[he raises a brow at that]
Would you then suggest you would still be at my side?
It became very clear how much you have lied and obfuscated once things came out today. It would be a lie to say I wasn't—[ She pauses, trying to find the right word. ] Disappointed? Or hurt when I realized how much.
[ She had pieced together a couple things after he died with some things people had told her, but it still wasn't the whole picture.
What made her the most tired today was seeing and hearing how much she was lied to. There is no anger, and there is no resentment. She is tired, and she is hurt, but more than that, she is glad it's done. It's not like people haven't done worse to her before. ]
Thank you for finally telling me with your own words.
[ It's enough for her that he decided to tell her now. ]
I believe I already told you I know you're not a good person. Would you like me to tell you I'd be happy to cut your tongue out like I did with Emet-Selch?
[ A small smile curves her lips. Again, there is no malice in her threat.
Her feelings on being saved were complicated that Sunday, and they are still complicated now. In fact, they are even more complicated, but she is sure on her feelings in answer to his question.
She slows her walk to a stop and lets go of his hand. ]
You're foolish. I've already done more than suggest. But for all that I do not like some of your choices—
[ She rises on the tips of her toes to reach for his face, cupping it with both hands before bringing him down closer to her level, so he can see the conviction in her eyes, the certainty of her words. ]
I want to be at your side. But only if you still want me there.
[ It is too late for her reply to be anything else, and even if she does not think it is right for her to feel this way, she can no longer lie to herself. She can't deny the truth that once she is no longer needed by her world that she wants to go to him.
She doesn't have the right to, but she does not want to leave him. It is telling enough to her what it means even if it aches. ]
[disappointment and hurt are to be expected - those were within his realm of calculations. for people to be surprised. if not by what he was capable of, then the fact that he would go out of his way to hide it in order to advance his own agenda... even if the only items on that agenda were for the sake of the whole. no one was going to come out of this unscathed - and he knew that well enough to include himself.
and yet, even then.
even through the disappointment and the hurt, the pain that he's inflicted and all that he has knowingly hidden from her -
when she guides his face downward, he doesn't pull away. in the same moment that he sees conviction in her eyes, it is evident when surprise and bewilderment flashes through his own.
he has never had anyone who truly wished to stay.
(even now, he doesn't know if he is willing to trust it. kye-sook stays out of loyalty to soo-won's father, and joo-doh stays out of the belief that soo-won is the best to guide the kingdom to prosperity. there are concrete reasons for those that are outside of his own person. but if jeanne wants to be at his side, with no attachment to his lineage or his kingdom - )
the words that leave his mouth are a combination of carefully chosen language, and sentiments that demand to escape before he can hold them back.]
... if it is only a matter of wishing and wanting -
[of what it is that he yearns for on a personal note, rather than any logistics or any reality that they may still have to face]
How could my answer be anything besides 'of course'?
[if it is a fact that she wants to be with him - how could he ever hope to deny her?
soo-won does not think there are many battles that he is incapable of winning and yet, he finds himself at her mercy time and again.]
[ Soo-won is not the first king to betray her in some fashion, and perhaps it is the whole of her history that makes her able to accept how willing he was to lie her. Even without that, fairness and impartiality have fallen to the wayside when it comes to him.
(It's something she realized too late.)
When his words register, it's her turn to be surprised and bewildered. She had been bracing for him to tell her the opposite, and her hold on his face loosens. An emotion blossoms in her chest, and the smile that brightens her features is slow, sweet, and radiant.
For two people who don't wish or want for themselves much, it's enough for Jeanne.
(At least, for now it's enough when she still doesn't have the right to be selfish.) ]
If that is your answer, then once I'm finished with my duty, I will walk forward—
To you.
[ Because just as he can't put her first before his kingdom, she, too, can't put him first before her world.
Her feelings can't come first until she knows it's safe. ]
[two months isn't enough to shake off his sense of disbelief - even when he knows that there are things that are far more impossible have been accomplished here. healing injuries suddenly, losing and regaining memories in the blink of an eye, and reviving those who have been thoroughly killed.... himself included.
so it is hard for him to say that he can believe so easily in everything - there are still things that he must reserve his own judgment in, that he has to weigh. it is hard to say that he believes so entirely in this possibility where she might come to him, defying death once again, and crossing the worlds to see him.
he understands her duty, and he understands the desire to not let go of people.
it is harder for him to understand that someone like her would truly be willing to stay at the side of someone like him.
. . . even still, he feels as though it would be more cruel and callous, and a level of dishonest that he cannot see a purpose in pretending to be - to suggest that he would want it any other way.
he takes one of her hands in his, gently folding his fingers around hers, and raising it just enough so that he can brush a kiss over the back of her knuckles.
[ She does not know what he means by the gesture, but she is a girl unused to such things, so there is little defense against the blush that rises to her cheeks after a flash of surprise.
She looks away because she can't stand to look at him for a moment. It's too much even if it's supposed to mean little.
She clears her throat, regaining her composure. ]
That's enough.
[ It hits differently, hearing him say he believes in her versus hearing it from any other person. Even if they have barely broached the topic, she knows he lacks faith, so it means more that he'll try.
For even if he doesn't have much hope, that he'll try gives her some form of it. ]
[how cute her reaction was - though now he's just being mean.
but he'll just laugh quietly to himself and move to lower her hand, still holding onto it, and settling for interlacing their fingers as he continues to walk along the river. even he's not quite sure what he meant by the gesture - only that it seemed appropriate, to seal the promise with an affectionate gesture.]
Well, if you can think of anything else to ask for, do let me know.
I believe that after all I have put you through, I have rung up quite a list of grievances I will need to make amends for.
W-Why? I-It's not like I'm used to anything like that.
[ lord help her
It's in reply to everything he said. Handholds are one thing. Anything more than that is more than she's ever done (shoves her one kiss this game under the rug), and she is not one to ask for much. She never has. Even to make up for anything that's been done to her, she's never thought to ask for it.
She lets her gaze drift over the river as they continue to walk. ]
It's not like I'm going to sweep what you've done away, but when I feel like simply asking you if I could go to you and wishing for your answer to be yes is more than enough, I'm... [ Her voice grows softer. ] Uncertain.... or maybe afraid of what it would mean to be able to ask or wish for more.
Asking for answers is one thing. Asking for other things... is difficult.
[ What does it mean to ask for something for yourself?
She smiles as if to hide away some of her doubts. ]
But perhaps if things go well tomorrow and everything is returned to us, maybe I can try asking for something else.
in truth, he'd suggested it because he does feel as though there are some things that he owes her. more complete explanations, perhaps, for all the reasons why he lied and all the reasons why he told her about some matters and hid others away. that's the least that he can offer.
but if she wants something more than answers.... he's not quite sure what it could be.
with his hand in hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze even as he tilts his head.]
.... what is it that you want? Or do you truly wish to want to wait until tomorrow? I'll wait for whatever it is that you decide, if that's the case.
But even if we should meet our supposed end tomorrow....
I wouldn't mind knowing today.
[if only because - that is the type of person that he is. to make preparations, to have as much time to deliberate as possible. and given how he feels about jeanne - how much he wants to see her happy, how much he's willing to give her to make amends for all he's done and the fact that she's still willing to be at his side - he thinks that he would rather set the mechanisms for a life of happiness for her sooner rather than later.]
But if what you desire is something I can give you - I will do my best as well.
[he imagines that by now, if there is anything that he hopes that she knows -
it's how much he'll do for her, so long as it's within his means.]
I don't know if you should encourage me to ask more of you. I'm as much of a stranger to being selfish as you are, and if you—
[ If he encourages her to be more greedy...
She shakes her head. ]
I would be lying were I to say I did not want answers, if I said I did not want to know why you chose to hide the things you did from me, if only because I wish to understand you more. [ It's her turn to give his hand a gentle squeeze. ] For someone who tries so much to understand others, I feel as if sometimes, you make it hard for others to try to understand you.
[ There isn't any reproach to her words. It's an honest observation, and it's something she'd like to change, at least from her end. Even if they don't have all the hours in the world (funny how a wish quickly changes that), she does want to understand him more. She wants to understand him as best as she can.
And she understands she may be hurt again by what he may say. ]
What I want...
[ Is something she doesn't think she should say until her duty is done and is something she doesn't think Soo-won would consider until his is done. But if they meet their supposed end tomorrow—
She lifts their joined hands and holds it over her heart for a brief moment, an indication of what she'd like to say but doesn't think she should.
Is it something she should say in case they didn't end this cycle the way they wanted?
It's not like feelings are that easy to control, and she thinks his feelings are elsewhere. ]
... is that I would like you to carry something for me until I find you again.
[ . . . . it's not as though she is wrong - soo-won is the type of person who will ask others why they feel the way they do, and somehow finds a way to hold onto his admiration no matter what they tell him, in the vast majority of situations. however, it remains that there are not many instances in which he has the same favor returned to him.
but he doesn't think that's odd, or wrong. perhaps it is simply a set of circumstances that he has come to live with. still, he'll try to compromise:]
... I often think that my results will explain my actions - and so no words or explanations are ever truly enough unless someone else deems whether what I've done is worth it. [he doesn't try to explain why he killed the king of their country - for it doesn't matter to anyone except the citizens who live in kouka. otherwise, he will accept whether he is deserving of scorn or praise by strangers.] But... if you want to know, I will try to explain.
[if she makes it clear what she wants - he thinks that he will often try to meet that for her.
it is why he listens carefully when she starts to edge toward an answer, and he doesn't flinch away when she moves their hands and brings it over her heart. one blink, another, and a gentle tilt of his head.
(distantly, so distantly, he thinks that he might begin to form a guess. but isn't that theory something... far-fetched? like an idea just barely beginning to coalesce into understanding, piece by piece.]
.... very well. I'll do as you ask, if you would trust me with it.
Soo-won, you are not merely the culmination of your actions and your results. I know you are sure in your decisions and your judgments and that you think whatever you do is worth it.
But for as long as I'm able, I would like to try to know the entirety of you to whatever extent I can. That includes your feelings to go along with your actions. I have always wanted to know you for who you are as a person.
Isn't that one of the first things we said to each other?
[ That they could just be Soo-won and Jeanne.
For however much he'll allow, she wants to hear whatever he'll say, if he is not afraid of being known (she doesn't think he is). She does think he dismisses himself a bit too much and she wants to change that, at least with one person. ]
For as much as you have lied to me, I do trust you still.
[ She's sincere, and she's not sure if she wants him to realize her feelings. A part of her hopes he stays dumb as a rock when it comes to love. It's scary. It's honestly one of the most frightening things to her.
That she's even as aware of her own feelings as much as she is - is so much for her to bear. ]
[ . . . there's just a bit of a laugh at that, coupled with a shake of his head.]
.... but one of the reasons why we said that to each other - why it was so distinct, is because we are the people that others need us to be, more often than not.
[so he hears her - he does. she understands why he does the things that he does, and she understands his circumstances. it is a level of finding a kindred spirit that he didn't think that he'd ever get. but it is because he is a king who makes choices that harms others that he thinks that his emotions do not get to play a part - not when so much of his life was working with a deadline (in the most literal sense) and a goal, and he didn't have the luxury of acknowledging how he might be feeling through out.
at least not in any form that is more thoughtful than 'this saddens me, and perhaps i deserve it'.
but he knows that's not what she wants to hear, and not what she's after.]
.... still, I know that you do not need me to be anyone other than myself, just as I don't need you to be anyone but Jeanne.
[ . . . he gives her hand a gentle squeeze then]
I cannot promise you a life in which I will never lie to you again, or that I will always be able to choose ideals over practicality.
However... once we leave this situation - I hope that I will be able to say with more confidence that I will do better than I have, and I will earn the trust you have placed in me.
For I do recognize how precious that is - [how precious she is] - and I do not wish to disappoint you.
[ She knows because she has frequently, over and over again, set aside her feelings to do what she thinks must be done, to be the person that she should be and what is needed more than anything else.
Because they both know they have to in order to receive the results they want. ]
I've never needed to be a priority, and for as much as I believe in hope, it's not as if I try to raise false ones.
[ She has accepted that he'll lie to her again, and isn't it foolish to still want to be with him after all that?
It's only one more sign of how she feels. ]
I am not nearly as virtuous as some people believe me to be either.
[ Her patience and tolerance do have limits. ]
But you aren't someone I want to leave behind, and I am not sure you ever will be.
[ . . . . it's not as though he thinks that she's deceiving him - not after she's said this time and time again, and even now she's said that she tries not to raise false hope.
so does that mean after weighing all this, in the time they've had together, she still thinks that she wants to be next to him?
(sharon had told him about her memory that she'd lost - about the people that she'd hurt, and yet they still welcomed her into their lives. soo-won doesn't think that he's harmed jeanne to the same extent that he's hurt yona and hak. but he knows that he has hurt her, and deceived her, and even now he can make no promise he won't do so again in the future.
she still wants to be with him. for some reason his heart aches.)]
... I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me, Jeanne.
[if she wants his honesty - he will give it.]
But it is not as though I want you to go too far ahead of me either. Not when the other option is to have you with me for as long as we can manage.
[after all, weren't part of his lies out of the selfish, definite fact that he wanted to keep her alive for as long as possible? when he decided to choose her and her life over any line of honesty between them?]
[ It was a surprise that she was someone who could feel glad at being saved those weeks ago when she had been so prepared to go. That it was due to being kept in the dark and lied to is what makes it so much more complicated.
She cannot begrudge Soo-won for it, however. She can't say with certainty she'd act differently, not when it means saving a life (not when it means saving a life of someone she cares more about).
She closes her eyes, and she tries to measure what she should say against what she should do.
She is not someone who should love any one person more than the rest. She isn't someone who has a right to love this way, but even so, it doesn't change the fact that she does.
And even though she does, she knows that if she had to, she could still leave him even if she didn't want to. Wanting has never been a luxury either of them could afford.
When she opens her eyes again, she lets go of his hand. She takes a few steps back and clasps her hands behind her back. She wants him to be free to respond how he wishes without her words or her movements to tie him down.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet but unwavering. She is terrified of this confession more than any other, but she has the answer to his question. She faces him, unflinching and as sincere as ever. ]
It's because I love you, Soo-won. I'm in love with you.
[ And it hurts her how much. It alarms her how much. ]
And that is why I don't know if you can give me anything because I don't want anything, if you don't have anything to give.
in some part, even before his mind rushes to try to conjure an answer for her, he thinks that the answer is evident in the way that he wants to reach for her hand again, mere moments after she's pulled away.
(how until the moment he has to let the people he loves go, he wants to be with them, even if it is only a facsimile of happiness.)
but he is surprised - and it shows. in the way that his brows raise, and his breath gets caught for just a moment, and his heart treacherously stutters in his chest.
the truth of the matter is, if he were to truly think on it, he thinks that this isn't the first set of feelings toward him that he's encountered, even if the other moments were only vague suspicions.
the difference - the key difference - is that this is jeanne. this is jeanne, using her words directly to tell him, without a chance of him redirecting the conversation or misunderstanding a physical gesture. she loves him, no matter how much he's lied to her, and the amount of blood on his hands.
... I'm sorry, I.... don't know anything about love, or romance. Even when I tried to read to understand more of it.... I'd thought that it would be hard - to distinguish feelings like that.
[soo-won doesn't know anything about love, or being in love.
. . . but.]
.... I think even now, I'm not very good at it. So I don't know if I can answer you with the same certainty - you're always far more sure of yourself than even I can compare to, Jeanne.
[ . . . but.
he moves to step forward then, and he reaches out - if only to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, tilting his head as he looks down at her and wonders if even still, this is a trick. if this is something that he will certainly lose, and he should be afraid of it. if someone like him truly isn't meant to be gifted with the love of wonderful people like her.
there is something soft in his expression - almost guilty, but even so... he is touched. he knows that there is something that he wants too.
(even if it goes against fate, or preordained futures, or the gods themselves - )]
.... yet I know that I want every moment with you that this world, or any world, might have to spare. And I know that I wish we had all the time to simply know each other. Those words were never lies.
[soo-won may not know anything about love, but he knows longing and heartache like the back of his hand. only now does it begin to make sense, the way that he felt when he looked at her, when he thought that he might lose her.]
Maybe... that is love as I know it.
Is that enough to give, if it is something you could receive?
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no subject
jeanne, now: looks into the abyss
She isn't really bothered by it, though. ]
It would have been amusing if I had been voted for what you did.
[ She kind of means that sincerely. She knows it's a little bit mean to say. ]
Even when you make it clear how morals aren't a priority to you, it seems enough people prefer to look at the light you give off.
no subject
"kano died?" did he stutter?
though he just holds onto her hand more tightly - for just a moment.]
.... I do not think it would have been amusing.
.... I'm not a particularly good person. If they choose to believe in me, I'm grateful. It makes it easier for me to accomplish what's necessary.
Though even at that time, I had been trying my best to lead us to what we I thought we could live with.
no subject
Kings don't tend to be good people because to be a good king, you can't always be good.
[ It comes with the territory. ]
But even without being a king, I know what you're like enough. It's not like we disagree on much.
no subject
. . . but he just sighs a bit at that.]
We don't, but being understood to such an extent is hardly the norm for me.
[like she said - people prefer to notice the light he gives off, and the good decisions he makes that get excellent results.
acknowledging the difficulties and troubles of that... is less common]
no subject
[ To be as neutral as she has to be, she has to keep her eyes and mind open. ]
But I don't mind being abnormal in this case. I don't really care about being normal at all.
[ And if understanding Soo-won falls under that category, isn't that just fine? ]
no subject
he shakes his head fondly as they walk along the river.]
I suppose we're simply as we are, whatever that means.
[without having to think of other responsibilities.
though, he can't help but wonder.]
... if we're able to leave after this, where do you think you'll go? What will you do?
[he knows a little bit about the nature of Servants - he wonders what jeanne's plans are.]
no subject
[ She is going to die. She will be dead, and that's fine. She doesn't mind, but that isn't necessarily the end for her because her existence isn't gone. ]
I am not someone who can be summoned easily. [ She smiles a little. ] It's more likely that I won't answer anyone because there is no point for me to when I don't care to have a wish granted. I'm not a Servant who has a Master usually.
But because of that, I should have more freedom. [ Since she's going to ignore any calls to fight in a Holy Grail War rather than mediating it. ]
... Did you think the words I said to you all those weeks ago were said lightly? I meant them. I still mean them, if you still mean yours.
[ She doesn't know if he still does, if maybe having all his memories again would've changed his mind. She'd understand if it did. ]
no subject
ultimately, until his death, he believed in her words. he believed that even if it would not be immediate or easy, he decided to have faith that perhaps, under her own power, they would meet again one day. regardless of circumstance or time, maybe it would be possible.]
.... there are things that I think I should confess to you, so that you may make your judgment more certainly. Such a thing would only be fair, wouldn't it?
[before she says she wants to be at his side - before she suggests that is where she wants to be, when she is not needed elsewhere.]
I believe it clear enough that I have lied to you.
I have taken life here - first to save my own, second to prevent splintering from continuing to manifest. In a way, I will take responsibility for Kano as well, because Hilda couldn't confess - but I could. And I chose not to.
I have been complicit in listening to those who have taken life - and allowed it to persist. I've contributed in directing or misdirecting trials as necessary.
[ . . . ]
And I knew, from the Sunday that you told me that you would be killing Fiora, that you would be saved, because I encouraged Xie Lian to choose you rather than another. Because I made my own judgment, that I would capitalize on the rewards of your willingness to take life and be condemned -
But in the same breath I could not allow for another future in which you would not be saved if there was anything I could do to keep you alive, even if it meant deceiving you.
[he raises a brow at that]
Would you then suggest you would still be at my side?
no subject
[ She had pieced together a couple things after he died with some things people had told her, but it still wasn't the whole picture.
What made her the most tired today was seeing and hearing how much she was lied to. There is no anger, and there is no resentment. She is tired, and she is hurt, but more than that, she is glad it's done. It's not like people haven't done worse to her before. ]
Thank you for finally telling me with your own words.
[ It's enough for her that he decided to tell her now. ]
I believe I already told you I know you're not a good person. Would you like me to tell you I'd be happy to cut your tongue out like I did with Emet-Selch?
[ A small smile curves her lips. Again, there is no malice in her threat.
Her feelings on being saved were complicated that Sunday, and they are still complicated now. In fact, they are even more complicated, but she is sure on her feelings in answer to his question.
She slows her walk to a stop and lets go of his hand. ]
You're foolish. I've already done more than suggest. But for all that I do not like some of your choices—
[ She rises on the tips of her toes to reach for his face, cupping it with both hands before bringing him down closer to her level, so he can see the conviction in her eyes, the certainty of her words. ]
I want to be at your side. But only if you still want me there.
[ It is too late for her reply to be anything else, and even if she does not think it is right for her to feel this way, she can no longer lie to herself. She can't deny the truth that once she is no longer needed by her world that she wants to go to him.
She doesn't have the right to, but she does not want to leave him. It is telling enough to her what it means even if it aches. ]
no subject
and yet, even then.
even through the disappointment and the hurt, the pain that he's inflicted and all that he has knowingly hidden from her -
when she guides his face downward, he doesn't pull away. in the same moment that he sees conviction in her eyes, it is evident when surprise and bewilderment flashes through his own.
he has never had anyone who truly wished to stay.
(even now, he doesn't know if he is willing to trust it. kye-sook stays out of loyalty to soo-won's father, and joo-doh stays out of the belief that soo-won is the best to guide the kingdom to prosperity. there are concrete reasons for those that are outside of his own person. but if jeanne wants to be at his side, with no attachment to his lineage or his kingdom - )
the words that leave his mouth are a combination of carefully chosen language, and sentiments that demand to escape before he can hold them back.]
... if it is only a matter of wishing and wanting -
[of what it is that he yearns for on a personal note, rather than any logistics or any reality that they may still have to face]
How could my answer be anything besides 'of course'?
[if it is a fact that she wants to be with him - how could he ever hope to deny her?
soo-won does not think there are many battles that he is incapable of winning and yet, he finds himself at her mercy time and again.]
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(It's something she realized too late.)
When his words register, it's her turn to be surprised and bewildered. She had been bracing for him to tell her the opposite, and her hold on his face loosens. An emotion blossoms in her chest, and the smile that brightens her features is slow, sweet, and radiant.
For two people who don't wish or want for themselves much, it's enough for Jeanne.
(At least, for now it's enough when she still doesn't have the right to be selfish.) ]
If that is your answer, then once I'm finished with my duty, I will walk forward—
To you.
[ Because just as he can't put her first before his kingdom, she, too, can't put him first before her world.
Her feelings can't come first until she knows it's safe. ]
Can you believe in that?
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so it is hard for him to say that he can believe so easily in everything - there are still things that he must reserve his own judgment in, that he has to weigh. it is hard to say that he believes so entirely in this possibility where she might come to him, defying death once again, and crossing the worlds to see him.
he understands her duty, and he understands the desire to not let go of people.
it is harder for him to understand that someone like her would truly be willing to stay at the side of someone like him.
. . . even still, he feels as though it would be more cruel and callous, and a level of dishonest that he cannot see a purpose in pretending to be - to suggest that he would want it any other way.
he takes one of her hands in his, gently folding his fingers around hers, and raising it just enough so that he can brush a kiss over the back of her knuckles.
it is still hard for him to have faith.]
I'll believe in you.
[but he will try, if it is for her.]
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She looks away because she can't stand to look at him for a moment. It's too much even if it's supposed to mean little.
She clears her throat, regaining her composure. ]
That's enough.
[ It hits differently, hearing him say he believes in her versus hearing it from any other person. Even if they have barely broached the topic, she knows he lacks faith, so it means more that he'll try.
For even if he doesn't have much hope, that he'll try gives her some form of it. ]
I'll not ask more of you.
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... how unexpected....
[how cute her reaction was - though now he's just being mean.
but he'll just laugh quietly to himself and move to lower her hand, still holding onto it, and settling for interlacing their fingers as he continues to walk along the river. even he's not quite sure what he meant by the gesture - only that it seemed appropriate, to seal the promise with an affectionate gesture.]
Well, if you can think of anything else to ask for, do let me know.
I believe that after all I have put you through, I have rung up quite a list of grievances I will need to make amends for.
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[ lord help her
It's in reply to everything he said. Handholds are one thing. Anything more than that is more than she's ever done (shoves her one kiss this game under the rug), and she is not one to ask for much. She never has. Even to make up for anything that's been done to her, she's never thought to ask for it.
She lets her gaze drift over the river as they continue to walk. ]
It's not like I'm going to sweep what you've done away, but when I feel like simply asking you if I could go to you and wishing for your answer to be yes is more than enough, I'm... [ Her voice grows softer. ] Uncertain.... or maybe afraid of what it would mean to be able to ask or wish for more.
Asking for answers is one thing. Asking for other things... is difficult.
[ What does it mean to ask for something for yourself?
She smiles as if to hide away some of her doubts. ]
But perhaps if things go well tomorrow and everything is returned to us, maybe I can try asking for something else.
[ Like tossing him into the river (no). ]
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in truth, he'd suggested it because he does feel as though there are some things that he owes her. more complete explanations, perhaps, for all the reasons why he lied and all the reasons why he told her about some matters and hid others away. that's the least that he can offer.
but if she wants something more than answers.... he's not quite sure what it could be.
with his hand in hers, he gives it a gentle squeeze even as he tilts his head.]
.... what is it that you want? Or do you truly wish to want to wait until tomorrow? I'll wait for whatever it is that you decide, if that's the case.
But even if we should meet our supposed end tomorrow....
I wouldn't mind knowing today.
[if only because - that is the type of person that he is. to make preparations, to have as much time to deliberate as possible. and given how he feels about jeanne - how much he wants to see her happy, how much he's willing to give her to make amends for all he's done and the fact that she's still willing to be at his side - he thinks that he would rather set the mechanisms for a life of happiness for her sooner rather than later.]
But if what you desire is something I can give you - I will do my best as well.
[he imagines that by now, if there is anything that he hopes that she knows -
it's how much he'll do for her, so long as it's within his means.]
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[ If he encourages her to be more greedy...
She shakes her head. ]
I would be lying were I to say I did not want answers, if I said I did not want to know why you chose to hide the things you did from me, if only because I wish to understand you more. [ It's her turn to give his hand a gentle squeeze. ] For someone who tries so much to understand others, I feel as if sometimes, you make it hard for others to try to understand you.
[ There isn't any reproach to her words. It's an honest observation, and it's something she'd like to change, at least from her end. Even if they don't have all the hours in the world (funny how a wish quickly changes that), she does want to understand him more. She wants to understand him as best as she can.
And she understands she may be hurt again by what he may say. ]
What I want...
[ Is something she doesn't think she should say until her duty is done and is something she doesn't think Soo-won would consider until his is done. But if they meet their supposed end tomorrow—
She lifts their joined hands and holds it over her heart for a brief moment, an indication of what she'd like to say but doesn't think she should.
Is it something she should say in case they didn't end this cycle the way they wanted?
It's not like feelings are that easy to control, and she thinks his feelings are elsewhere. ]
... is that I would like you to carry something for me until I find you again.
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but he doesn't think that's odd, or wrong. perhaps it is simply a set of circumstances that he has come to live with. still, he'll try to compromise:]
... I often think that my results will explain my actions - and so no words or explanations are ever truly enough unless someone else deems whether what I've done is worth it. [he doesn't try to explain why he killed the king of their country - for it doesn't matter to anyone except the citizens who live in kouka. otherwise, he will accept whether he is deserving of scorn or praise by strangers.] But... if you want to know, I will try to explain.
[if she makes it clear what she wants - he thinks that he will often try to meet that for her.
it is why he listens carefully when she starts to edge toward an answer, and he doesn't flinch away when she moves their hands and brings it over her heart. one blink, another, and a gentle tilt of his head.
(distantly, so distantly, he thinks that he might begin to form a guess. but isn't that theory something... far-fetched? like an idea just barely beginning to coalesce into understanding, piece by piece.]
.... very well. I'll do as you ask, if you would trust me with it.
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But for as long as I'm able, I would like to try to know the entirety of you to whatever extent I can. That includes your feelings to go along with your actions. I have always wanted to know you for who you are as a person.
Isn't that one of the first things we said to each other?
[ That they could just be Soo-won and Jeanne.
For however much he'll allow, she wants to hear whatever he'll say, if he is not afraid of being known (she doesn't think he is). She does think he dismisses himself a bit too much and she wants to change that, at least with one person. ]
For as much as you have lied to me, I do trust you still.
[ She's sincere, and she's not sure if she wants him to realize her feelings. A part of her hopes he stays dumb as a rock when it comes to love. It's scary. It's honestly one of the most frightening things to her.
That she's even as aware of her own feelings as much as she is - is so much for her to bear. ]
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.... but one of the reasons why we said that to each other - why it was so distinct, is because we are the people that others need us to be, more often than not.
[so he hears her - he does. she understands why he does the things that he does, and she understands his circumstances. it is a level of finding a kindred spirit that he didn't think that he'd ever get. but it is because he is a king who makes choices that harms others that he thinks that his emotions do not get to play a part - not when so much of his life was working with a deadline (in the most literal sense) and a goal, and he didn't have the luxury of acknowledging how he might be feeling through out.
at least not in any form that is more thoughtful than 'this saddens me, and perhaps i deserve it'.
but he knows that's not what she wants to hear, and not what she's after.]
.... still, I know that you do not need me to be anyone other than myself, just as I don't need you to be anyone but Jeanne.
[ . . . he gives her hand a gentle squeeze then]
I cannot promise you a life in which I will never lie to you again, or that I will always be able to choose ideals over practicality.
However... once we leave this situation - I hope that I will be able to say with more confidence that I will do better than I have, and I will earn the trust you have placed in me.
For I do recognize how precious that is - [how precious she is] - and I do not wish to disappoint you.
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[ She knows because she has frequently, over and over again, set aside her feelings to do what she thinks must be done, to be the person that she should be and what is needed more than anything else.
Because they both know they have to in order to receive the results they want. ]
I've never needed to be a priority, and for as much as I believe in hope, it's not as if I try to raise false ones.
[ She has accepted that he'll lie to her again, and isn't it foolish to still want to be with him after all that?
It's only one more sign of how she feels. ]
I am not nearly as virtuous as some people believe me to be either.
[ Her patience and tolerance do have limits. ]
But you aren't someone I want to leave behind, and I am not sure you ever will be.
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so does that mean after weighing all this, in the time they've had together, she still thinks that she wants to be next to him?
(sharon had told him about her memory that she'd lost - about the people that she'd hurt, and yet they still welcomed her into their lives. soo-won doesn't think that he's harmed jeanne to the same extent that he's hurt yona and hak. but he knows that he has hurt her, and deceived her, and even now he can make no promise he won't do so again in the future.
she still wants to be with him. for some reason his heart aches.)]
... I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me, Jeanne.
[if she wants his honesty - he will give it.]
But it is not as though I want you to go too far ahead of me either. Not when the other option is to have you with me for as long as we can manage.
[after all, weren't part of his lies out of the selfish, definite fact that he wanted to keep her alive for as long as possible? when he decided to choose her and her life over any line of honesty between them?]
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She cannot begrudge Soo-won for it, however. She can't say with certainty she'd act differently, not when it means saving a life (not when it means saving a life of someone she cares more about).
She closes her eyes, and she tries to measure what she should say against what she should do.
She is not someone who should love any one person more than the rest. She isn't someone who has a right to love this way, but even so, it doesn't change the fact that she does.
And even though she does, she knows that if she had to, she could still leave him even if she didn't want to. Wanting has never been a luxury either of them could afford.
When she opens her eyes again, she lets go of his hand. She takes a few steps back and clasps her hands behind her back. She wants him to be free to respond how he wishes without her words or her movements to tie him down.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet but unwavering. She is terrified of this confession more than any other, but she has the answer to his question. She faces him, unflinching and as sincere as ever. ]
It's because I love you, Soo-won. I'm in love with you.
[ And it hurts her how much. It alarms her how much. ]
And that is why I don't know if you can give me anything because I don't want anything, if you don't have anything to give.
[ Because she thinks he doesn't. ]
[1/2]
in some part, even before his mind rushes to try to conjure an answer for her, he thinks that the answer is evident in the way that he wants to reach for her hand again, mere moments after she's pulled away.
(how until the moment he has to let the people he loves go, he wants to be with them, even if it is only a facsimile of happiness.)
but he is surprised - and it shows. in the way that his brows raise, and his breath gets caught for just a moment, and his heart treacherously stutters in his chest.
the truth of the matter is, if he were to truly think on it, he thinks that this isn't the first set of feelings toward him that he's encountered, even if the other moments were only vague suspicions.
the difference - the key difference - is that this is jeanne. this is jeanne, using her words directly to tell him, without a chance of him redirecting the conversation or misunderstanding a physical gesture. she loves him, no matter how much he's lied to her, and the amount of blood on his hands.
and he— ]
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... I'm sorry, I.... don't know anything about love, or romance. Even when I tried to read to understand more of it.... I'd thought that it would be hard - to distinguish feelings like that.
[soo-won doesn't know anything about love, or being in love.
. . . but.]
.... I think even now, I'm not very good at it. So I don't know if I can answer you with the same certainty - you're always far more sure of yourself than even I can compare to, Jeanne.
[ . . . but.
he moves to step forward then, and he reaches out - if only to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, tilting his head as he looks down at her and wonders if even still, this is a trick. if this is something that he will certainly lose, and he should be afraid of it. if someone like him truly isn't meant to be gifted with the love of wonderful people like her.
there is something soft in his expression - almost guilty, but even so... he is touched. he knows that there is something that he wants too.
(even if it goes against fate, or preordained futures, or the gods themselves - )]
.... yet I know that I want every moment with you that this world, or any world, might have to spare. And I know that I wish we had all the time to simply know each other. Those words were never lies.
[soo-won may not know anything about love, but he knows longing and heartache like the back of his hand. only now does it begin to make sense, the way that he felt when he looked at her, when he thought that he might lose her.]
Maybe... that is love as I know it.
Is that enough to give, if it is something you could receive?
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