[ . . . . it's not as though he thinks that she's deceiving him - not after she's said this time and time again, and even now she's said that she tries not to raise false hope.
so does that mean after weighing all this, in the time they've had together, she still thinks that she wants to be next to him?
(sharon had told him about her memory that she'd lost - about the people that she'd hurt, and yet they still welcomed her into their lives. soo-won doesn't think that he's harmed jeanne to the same extent that he's hurt yona and hak. but he knows that he has hurt her, and deceived her, and even now he can make no promise he won't do so again in the future.
she still wants to be with him. for some reason his heart aches.)]
... I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me, Jeanne.
[if she wants his honesty - he will give it.]
But it is not as though I want you to go too far ahead of me either. Not when the other option is to have you with me for as long as we can manage.
[after all, weren't part of his lies out of the selfish, definite fact that he wanted to keep her alive for as long as possible? when he decided to choose her and her life over any line of honesty between them?]
[ It was a surprise that she was someone who could feel glad at being saved those weeks ago when she had been so prepared to go. That it was due to being kept in the dark and lied to is what makes it so much more complicated.
She cannot begrudge Soo-won for it, however. She can't say with certainty she'd act differently, not when it means saving a life (not when it means saving a life of someone she cares more about).
She closes her eyes, and she tries to measure what she should say against what she should do.
She is not someone who should love any one person more than the rest. She isn't someone who has a right to love this way, but even so, it doesn't change the fact that she does.
And even though she does, she knows that if she had to, she could still leave him even if she didn't want to. Wanting has never been a luxury either of them could afford.
When she opens her eyes again, she lets go of his hand. She takes a few steps back and clasps her hands behind her back. She wants him to be free to respond how he wishes without her words or her movements to tie him down.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet but unwavering. She is terrified of this confession more than any other, but she has the answer to his question. She faces him, unflinching and as sincere as ever. ]
It's because I love you, Soo-won. I'm in love with you.
[ And it hurts her how much. It alarms her how much. ]
And that is why I don't know if you can give me anything because I don't want anything, if you don't have anything to give.
in some part, even before his mind rushes to try to conjure an answer for her, he thinks that the answer is evident in the way that he wants to reach for her hand again, mere moments after she's pulled away.
(how until the moment he has to let the people he loves go, he wants to be with them, even if it is only a facsimile of happiness.)
but he is surprised - and it shows. in the way that his brows raise, and his breath gets caught for just a moment, and his heart treacherously stutters in his chest.
the truth of the matter is, if he were to truly think on it, he thinks that this isn't the first set of feelings toward him that he's encountered, even if the other moments were only vague suspicions.
the difference - the key difference - is that this is jeanne. this is jeanne, using her words directly to tell him, without a chance of him redirecting the conversation or misunderstanding a physical gesture. she loves him, no matter how much he's lied to her, and the amount of blood on his hands.
... I'm sorry, I.... don't know anything about love, or romance. Even when I tried to read to understand more of it.... I'd thought that it would be hard - to distinguish feelings like that.
[soo-won doesn't know anything about love, or being in love.
. . . but.]
.... I think even now, I'm not very good at it. So I don't know if I can answer you with the same certainty - you're always far more sure of yourself than even I can compare to, Jeanne.
[ . . . but.
he moves to step forward then, and he reaches out - if only to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, tilting his head as he looks down at her and wonders if even still, this is a trick. if this is something that he will certainly lose, and he should be afraid of it. if someone like him truly isn't meant to be gifted with the love of wonderful people like her.
there is something soft in his expression - almost guilty, but even so... he is touched. he knows that there is something that he wants too.
(even if it goes against fate, or preordained futures, or the gods themselves - )]
.... yet I know that I want every moment with you that this world, or any world, might have to spare. And I know that I wish we had all the time to simply know each other. Those words were never lies.
[soo-won may not know anything about love, but he knows longing and heartache like the back of his hand. only now does it begin to make sense, the way that he felt when he looked at her, when he thought that he might lose her.]
Maybe... that is love as I know it.
Is that enough to give, if it is something you could receive?
That is more than she expected. It is more than she'd thought he'd give, knowing what she knows of his life, knowing of what he has left to do in the little time he has left.
(She doesn't know that he'd ask for a wish.)
She's stunned that he would even try. She's aware that he's given very little to no room for any sort of romantic love. She has, too, but the difference is that she had the chance for it once before she threw it away.
Even though she tried to shut those feelings away, they still escaped.
She meant to throw it away here, too, but he said, I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me.
And that is something she couldn't not answer. ]
Yes.
[ She's breathless, and something bright and beautiful blooms in her chest. Even if he is uncertain, even if he doesn't know, even if won't ever know, Jeanne is fine with it.
All she can be is true to herself and accept what comes her way. Even if these feelings aren't right and even if they are wrong, there is no denying what she feels anymore ]
It's more than enough. I am happy enough with that.
[ And she truly is. She looks up at him with her heart in her eyes. For all the times her eyes were bright with tears in the Realm, they never fell.
They do now, and she brings her hands to her face to brush them away. ]
[he startles again, when tears begin to fall - he'd been surprised enough when she was close to tears before, at their reunion, and now she's... crying?
even now, he foolishly wonders if he'd said the wrong thing, even when she looks so happy. because it is an odd thing for him to think - that there is someone who wants to be with him so much, even after everything that he's done.
even more so that this someone is jeanne - who he respects, admires, cares for, and would similarly want to follow, if he were to ever choose someone who fascinated him so much that his legs would move before he couldn't even think.
similarly to now, when his hands move before his mind can think better of it - reaching out to try to help with her tears, even awkward as he is. he's careful to brush them away, even as his head ducks more towards hers, their foreheads nearly touching
until he hesitates - the last failsafe of his attempt at distance faltering - before he presses a soft kiss to her cheek.
as always, his voice is soft and gentle - ]
... don't cry... I don't... know what lengths I'll go to, to get you to stop.
[what he'd do, if it meant jeanne never had to cry again]
[ The kiss startles her enough that her tears stop. ]
I'm - sorry. I really am not one to cry much.
[ It just seems as if Soo-won can evoke that much more emotion from her, past all the different walls and different barriers she puts up to be the person she needs to be, to be the person others expect her to be.
It's also why she's slow to bring her arms up to link her fingers behind Soo-won's neck. She's never been scared of hearing his response; whatever reply he would've given, she would've accepted easily. For his life as a king or for his very short lifespan, she would have easily expected him to say he couldn't think to accept her feelings.
She would have understood instantly, but it wouldn't change how much she'd want to be there for him at his side after everything was said and done.
She laughs softly. ]
You don't have to do much. Letting me be with you for as much time as you can is all I need.
I don't need you to know or be good at romance. It's not as if I know much about it either.
[ It's not like she ever allowed herself to, and it has always been scarier for her to acknowledge it for herself, scarier for her to hold these feelings than for any other person to not have feelings for her. ]
I doubt I'll have more reason to cry from hereon.
[ Not once everything has been settled and not until his life leaves him for good. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
so does that mean after weighing all this, in the time they've had together, she still thinks that she wants to be next to him?
(sharon had told him about her memory that she'd lost - about the people that she'd hurt, and yet they still welcomed her into their lives. soo-won doesn't think that he's harmed jeanne to the same extent that he's hurt yona and hak. but he knows that he has hurt her, and deceived her, and even now he can make no promise he won't do so again in the future.
she still wants to be with him. for some reason his heart aches.)]
... I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me, Jeanne.
[if she wants his honesty - he will give it.]
But it is not as though I want you to go too far ahead of me either. Not when the other option is to have you with me for as long as we can manage.
[after all, weren't part of his lies out of the selfish, definite fact that he wanted to keep her alive for as long as possible? when he decided to choose her and her life over any line of honesty between them?]
no subject
She cannot begrudge Soo-won for it, however. She can't say with certainty she'd act differently, not when it means saving a life (not when it means saving a life of someone she cares more about).
She closes her eyes, and she tries to measure what she should say against what she should do.
She is not someone who should love any one person more than the rest. She isn't someone who has a right to love this way, but even so, it doesn't change the fact that she does.
And even though she does, she knows that if she had to, she could still leave him even if she didn't want to. Wanting has never been a luxury either of them could afford.
When she opens her eyes again, she lets go of his hand. She takes a few steps back and clasps her hands behind her back. She wants him to be free to respond how he wishes without her words or her movements to tie him down.
When she speaks, her voice is quiet but unwavering. She is terrified of this confession more than any other, but she has the answer to his question. She faces him, unflinching and as sincere as ever. ]
It's because I love you, Soo-won. I'm in love with you.
[ And it hurts her how much. It alarms her how much. ]
And that is why I don't know if you can give me anything because I don't want anything, if you don't have anything to give.
[ Because she thinks he doesn't. ]
[1/2]
in some part, even before his mind rushes to try to conjure an answer for her, he thinks that the answer is evident in the way that he wants to reach for her hand again, mere moments after she's pulled away.
(how until the moment he has to let the people he loves go, he wants to be with them, even if it is only a facsimile of happiness.)
but he is surprised - and it shows. in the way that his brows raise, and his breath gets caught for just a moment, and his heart treacherously stutters in his chest.
the truth of the matter is, if he were to truly think on it, he thinks that this isn't the first set of feelings toward him that he's encountered, even if the other moments were only vague suspicions.
the difference - the key difference - is that this is jeanne. this is jeanne, using her words directly to tell him, without a chance of him redirecting the conversation or misunderstanding a physical gesture. she loves him, no matter how much he's lied to her, and the amount of blood on his hands.
and he— ]
no subject
... I'm sorry, I.... don't know anything about love, or romance. Even when I tried to read to understand more of it.... I'd thought that it would be hard - to distinguish feelings like that.
[soo-won doesn't know anything about love, or being in love.
. . . but.]
.... I think even now, I'm not very good at it. So I don't know if I can answer you with the same certainty - you're always far more sure of yourself than even I can compare to, Jeanne.
[ . . . but.
he moves to step forward then, and he reaches out - if only to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear, tilting his head as he looks down at her and wonders if even still, this is a trick. if this is something that he will certainly lose, and he should be afraid of it. if someone like him truly isn't meant to be gifted with the love of wonderful people like her.
there is something soft in his expression - almost guilty, but even so... he is touched. he knows that there is something that he wants too.
(even if it goes against fate, or preordained futures, or the gods themselves - )]
.... yet I know that I want every moment with you that this world, or any world, might have to spare. And I know that I wish we had all the time to simply know each other. Those words were never lies.
[soo-won may not know anything about love, but he knows longing and heartache like the back of his hand. only now does it begin to make sense, the way that he felt when he looked at her, when he thought that he might lose her.]
Maybe... that is love as I know it.
Is that enough to give, if it is something you could receive?
no subject
That is more than she expected. It is more than she'd thought he'd give, knowing what she knows of his life, knowing of what he has left to do in the little time he has left.
(She doesn't know that he'd ask for a wish.)
She's stunned that he would even try. She's aware that he's given very little to no room for any sort of romantic love. She has, too, but the difference is that she had the chance for it once before she threw it away.
Even though she tried to shut those feelings away, they still escaped.
She meant to throw it away here, too, but he said, I'm not sure why you'd go so far for me.
And that is something she couldn't not answer. ]
Yes.
[ She's breathless, and something bright and beautiful blooms in her chest. Even if he is uncertain, even if he doesn't know, even if won't ever know, Jeanne is fine with it.
All she can be is true to herself and accept what comes her way. Even if these feelings aren't right and even if they are wrong, there is no denying what she feels anymore ]
It's more than enough. I am happy enough with that.
[ And she truly is. She looks up at him with her heart in her eyes. For all the times her eyes were bright with tears in the Realm, they never fell.
They do now, and she brings her hands to her face to brush them away. ]
no subject
[he startles again, when tears begin to fall - he'd been surprised enough when she was close to tears before, at their reunion, and now she's... crying?
even now, he foolishly wonders if he'd said the wrong thing, even when she looks so happy. because it is an odd thing for him to think - that there is someone who wants to be with him so much, even after everything that he's done.
even more so that this someone is jeanne - who he respects, admires, cares for, and would similarly want to follow, if he were to ever choose someone who fascinated him so much that his legs would move before he couldn't even think.
similarly to now, when his hands move before his mind can think better of it - reaching out to try to help with her tears, even awkward as he is. he's careful to brush them away, even as his head ducks more towards hers, their foreheads nearly touching
until he hesitates - the last failsafe of his attempt at distance faltering - before he presses a soft kiss to her cheek.
as always, his voice is soft and gentle - ]
... don't cry... I don't... know what lengths I'll go to, to get you to stop.
[what he'd do, if it meant jeanne never had to cry again]
no subject
I'm - sorry. I really am not one to cry much.
[ It just seems as if Soo-won can evoke that much more emotion from her, past all the different walls and different barriers she puts up to be the person she needs to be, to be the person others expect her to be.
It's also why she's slow to bring her arms up to link her fingers behind Soo-won's neck. She's never been scared of hearing his response; whatever reply he would've given, she would've accepted easily. For his life as a king or for his very short lifespan, she would have easily expected him to say he couldn't think to accept her feelings.
She would have understood instantly, but it wouldn't change how much she'd want to be there for him at his side after everything was said and done.
She laughs softly. ]
You don't have to do much. Letting me be with you for as much time as you can is all I need.
I don't need you to know or be good at romance. It's not as if I know much about it either.
[ It's not like she ever allowed herself to, and it has always been scarier for her to acknowledge it for herself, scarier for her to hold these feelings than for any other person to not have feelings for her. ]
I doubt I'll have more reason to cry from hereon.
[ Not once everything has been settled and not until his life leaves him for good. ]