Then - if I may, when you talk to Wolf this week, could you ask them what happens to the removed? And also about the possibility of your wish working, should your team win. I want to verify if we get the same answers. Someone came up to me yesterday and told me something interesting, and I'm curious about where they got their information from - or if it's something all Leaders can share.
And I was going to let you know that I plan on speaking to Taako today about what happened over the weekend.
[so lup won't have to hide from him after today hopefully!]
I think, uh - I think I asked before, but I'll ask again because frankly, I can't remember what they said. It might've changed, anyway. What did you hear?
[ a pause, as she sips coffee, and then: ] And good. Hope you know how utterly pissed he's going to be at me for hiding it.
I can't tell you - for all of the Leaders can listen in on the conversations of our followers. If I tell you, it would sort of work against the point given that I want to know if Wolf knows himself without being informed elsewhere. I would like to get into the practice of this every Sunday, to see if the Leaders have learned anything new or worthwhile about the Realm.
Mm, I know. I wanted to wait until the emotional turmoil of the weekend wasn't as fresh - but I do appreciate everything you did.
[wow! he has no idea what she's alluding to. it's really funny. it's why he doesn't even react.
he nods - he's trying to be strategic but - ]
Naturally this is useless if someone has already acted faster than I have, and told someone else who's on Wolf's team. But I'd still like to see. And on the matter of further business, did you get another prize this week?
[given that wolf's in the top spot]
.... but thank you, for that. I'd take your hand, but I feel as though the gesture may not be entirely worth it.
What? [ she hasn't been zapped yet she just woke up ] Oh - and yeah. Glow bracelets, stickers, and cotton candy. And an item from home. I can show you it.
I was going to ask if you held onto it for me, given that I can't remember its details.
[it's in the moment where lup reaches out to him that she might be able to feel it -
the odd disruption in the peace that soo-won normally seems to carry. the sense that something isn't quite right, and he's not sure how to fix it, uncomfortable. a bone-deep sadness and mourning, coupled with guilt.
even so his smile doesn't seem to budge and he continues!]
Hmm, anything about cooking? Magic? Your umbrella?
he gets - sleepiness, a buzzing sort of quiet anxiety, and concern, at the last second, when she feels that sadness. she's distracted by his questions, but she gives him a sort of worried look.
she'll just... answer, she guesses. ] Sure. You know I will. Uh... cooking is fine, magic seems... okay? I remember the umbrella, I remember the ship. Uhhh.
there's the surprise that comes with the realization that he can feel her emotions too - and he takes a step back. not rushed, but perhaps distinct. he offers a sheepish smile in response to her worry.]
... okay, then perhaps you can check with Taako. I have a basic list of things I've written down that I check each Monday to see what might have been taken. It's not exhaustive, of course, but it helps.
You know, I could've taken that as an insult, but I won't. [ the stepping back thing. it's half teasing. ] I hate feelings talk but I will shake it out of you.
[ . . . there's a pause at that, almost as if he's considering what he wants to say.
and then he proceeds:]
I don't want to impose any more burden on you than I already have. I don't like to see you worried about me - and if you happened to get a glimpse of what I was feeling...
[ . . . ]
As we proceed onto the next topic, I worry that it may cause you concern, when it shouldn't.
[when the things that he feels are what he wears like a cloak, constantly present with him. but they are admittedly hard to understand. he knew that even based on when last they talked, about mortality.
in the end, he doesn't want to make lup uncomfortable based on the type of person that he is.]
[ there's another pause as she just hoists herself up on the counter. ]
Alright, well, first off, if you don't think me covering you this weekend means I don't get to care about how you're feeling, you're wrong? So keep that in mind. If I didn't want anything to do with you or making sure you're good, I wouldn't.
Think you should know that by now. I'm like - I'm not emotionally slutty for just anybody.
[ she sips her coffee. ] If we're friends, we're friends. Tell me what's up.
... no, I think that you care about what I'm feeling. I care about what you're feeling, too. We care about each other, and I don't think that's something that's in doubt.
[the thing that he doubts is -
does she truly want to know what it is that he carries? can she bring herself to understand it? he's not sure.
but if she truly wants to try....]
.... do you want me to step forward while I tell you?
[ . . . if she so insists. there is a moment where soo-won takes in a breath, as if preparing himself for whatever is to come, and then he'll step forward again.
with a glance to ensure that no one will overhear...]
.... they returned a memory to me, given what I'd down. It was... that I had killed the previous king of my country.
[and the feeling of sadness returns, of duty, of responsibility. that which he does not intend to shy away from, or hide away from. but with it is a sense of loss, grief, and mourning -
of what happens when you've hurt someone that you've loved.]
But it would appear... as though I no longer remember him in his entirety. I know what they whispered about him - a weak-willed and cowardly king who feared conflict so much that he banned weapons, but did not realize the stockpiles that would grow in the underworld. Someone who allowed land to be taken at our borders if it meant lessening aggression with neighboring countries, even though that would only invite invasion in the future.
I know everything that other said about him - but I don't remember... how he treated me. A king as king as that must love an awful lot, no? To be afraid of conflict means to cherish life. I know that, and yet... why don't I remember any kindness that he afforded me?
Because I know - they left me with this feeling... that I loved him. That he was family to me. That I removed him to protect the country - but it did not diminish my affection for him.
So I wonder... did I tell you anything about him?
Do you know what he's like?
[and there is the confusion - the oddity that exists when soo-won knows without question that he loves someone, and yet.
there is also pain. there is uncertainty. there is hurt inflicted on him by the person that he loved so much, where he can place all the bad times and yet none of the good.
but he finds himself searching for the decency and humanity anyway.]
sadness, empathy, a little worry, but never judgement. she takes I killed the previous king of my country without a second thought. it - fits. it makes sense, almost, the way he describes it. this is the kind of person he is, someone willing to get his hands dirty if he needs. to do it out of compassion, even if it means hurting someone. she's killed and died so many times that she can't even fault him. there's a reason. just like with sharon, there's a reason.
and by the end, she gently reaches out, and holds his sleeve. not his hand, not wanting the shock, but. ]
No. You didn't. You told me about your mother, and your father, but not your king. [ ... genuinely, softly, without any sort of disgust or reprehension: ] I'm sorry.
[he takes the moment where she reaches for his sleeve - and he allows it. turns his hand as though he almost wants to take hers. he doesn't, stops short of it, but it is nonetheless there as if to mime the same hold. she'll feel the way that he seems like he wants to stop there, and yet.
and yet.]
... don't tell Yona. Don't mention anything about this.
[ . . . ]
The king was my uncle - and so he was her father.
I think that the very first week here... we both forgot. We haven't been able to place it, and so she seems to have drifted back to how we acted when we were growing up, relying on me, and... smiling at me.
[acting warmly toward him. lup will be able to feel it - the guilt, the sense that he doesn't deserve it, but also... the nostalgia, the way that his heart aches like he's missed it so much.]
... I have to keep pretending as though I've forgotten.
But I don't want to disrupt her, or give her anything more to worry about. She's already so worried about everyone but that type of weight....
I'm worried it would be too much, and she wouldn't even be able to recall it.
[ lup nods. she holds tightly, in response to the way that his hand turns. sympathy, sadness, an understanding, almost, understanding what it feels like to want to want what you know you shouldn't. ]
I won't tell her. I don't think she'd believe me even if I did. [ ... ] I'll hold onto it for you, too. In case you forget again.
[ . . . . it is hard to believe, isn't it? there's something rueful in soo-won's smile, in his feelings. the awareness of how he comes off, of how he misleads people into thinking that he's harmless. even though he tries not to hide away from what he's done -
he knows how easy it is for people to believe in him, and he lets them.
there's the odd tug of war feeling next, as if he's not sure whether he wants to go on - but with it comes this odd note of realization that it's weird for him to be uncertain.
regardless he presses on:]
... the day I met Yona, I snuck in past the guards to see her. She was just a baby, barely a year old. I'd thought.... her red hair was so lovely and cute, so I wanted to pet it and say hello to her. She and her mother weren't accepting many visitors... but I thought it'd make her happy to see more people.
Though I was found - and her father brought me back to my mother in a fuss.
He'd said...
He received an unpleasant feeling from me. And perhaps he was right to do so - given that I led to his demise more than a decade later. But I...
[Do I give off an unpleasant feeling? Does Yona find me unpleasant too?]
... why do they let me remember that? And not the father who loved his daughter?
[why do they leave soo-won with what's painful, even when he wants to express love?]
I couldn't tell you. The same reason I can't remember any of the people I traveled with for a hundred years, I guess. The strong, positive emotions got taken away. It leaves us with the cold objectives and that's just, no good.
[ she tilts her head to try and catch his gaze. ]
But let me tell you something - love is enduring. [ she tugs his sleeve a bit. ]
Love is what we've got, when everything else fails. And it's not gone, not completely. Nothing can take it from us entirely, not even the weight of our own memories. Or lack thereof, in your case. I think that goes for both you and Yona.
I know that sounds hopelessly corny and idealistic but - I believe it. I have to.
[corny and idealistic she says - but with her words there's notes of appreciation in soo-won's emotions. even though he can't quite shake off the uncertainty, the worry, the anxiety, what he feels more strongly is that -
well, he likes lup. he enjoys her. the way that she speaks to him, and the words that she offers, the kindness that he thinks is so readily obvious and wonders why she bothers to hide it from others....
she'll feel that appreciation and fondness, unreserved and sweet even as he offers her up a smile]
... it's not as though I disagree with you. I think that I'll always be someone who's guided by compassion, even when there are times where I make decisions that harm others. I have to believe in that.
[he has to believe that his life is worthy something where he can leave before more good than harm.
even if it feels heavy in the moment.]
Thank you, Lup. I'm sorry for what you've lost as well.
[ she won't! there's a fear there that she can't shake, a desperate urge to protect herself from losing herself. but she won't admit it, she won't say it, and she'll focus on the appreciation and fondness instead. she likes that much better. she soaks it in.
he can have her affection in return. she's less unreserved - it's hard to just be honest, like that, she doesn't know how. but it's there. ]
Thanks for trusting me with that. [ she says, leaning forward just a little. ]
[there's just a softness in his smile and he feels it - the fear, the uncertainty. there are notes of concern, but more than that, the urge to be steady and calm for her. just so that there's someone else that she can hold onto, instead of taking it all on herself.
though.... at the mention of trust, he seems to pause a moment before admitting]
.... you're welcome. Thank you for being willing to listen.
Though I also think... something might be making me behave oddly today. [a beat] Hopefully just today.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Then - if I may, when you talk to Wolf this week, could you ask them what happens to the removed? And also about the possibility of your wish working, should your team win. I want to verify if we get the same answers. Someone came up to me yesterday and told me something interesting, and I'm curious about where they got their information from - or if it's something all Leaders can share.
And I was going to let you know that I plan on speaking to Taako today about what happened over the weekend.
[so lup won't have to hide from him after today hopefully!]
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[ a pause, as she sips coffee, and then: ] And good. Hope you know how utterly pissed he's going to be at me for hiding it.
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I can't tell you - for all of the Leaders can listen in on the conversations of our followers. If I tell you, it would sort of work against the point given that I want to know if Wolf knows himself without being informed elsewhere. I would like to get into the practice of this every Sunday, to see if the Leaders have learned anything new or worthwhile about the Realm.
Mm, I know. I wanted to wait until the emotional turmoil of the weekend wasn't as fresh - but I do appreciate everything you did.
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Oh, yeah, no, I know they listen. Wolf told me. [ more like wolf shamed her but listen ] Good point, though.
[ as for the rest of it, she shrugs absently. ] I wasn't about to let you get tossed out an airlock.
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he nods - he's trying to be strategic but - ]
Naturally this is useless if someone has already acted faster than I have, and told someone else who's on Wolf's team. But I'd still like to see. And on the matter of further business, did you get another prize this week?
[given that wolf's in the top spot]
.... but thank you, for that. I'd take your hand, but I feel as though the gesture may not be entirely worth it.
[THE ZAPS]
no subject
What? [ she hasn't been zapped yet she just woke up ] Oh - and yeah. Glow bracelets, stickers, and cotton candy. And an item from home. I can show you it.
no subject
... be careful if you touch another this week - it's on the rules, I'm afraid.
[he'll. try to save lup. he'll try really hard.]
Oh - thank you, that's good to know. Any chance you have an idea of what you've forgotten this week either?
[it's not taako so]
no subject
and then her expression gets really, intensely annoyed as she realizes what this means for the rest of her week.
a long pause. ] -- Uh. I don't know, nothing comes to mind? Maybe ask me questions to see if there's any... glaring stuff? I can do the same for you.
no subject
I was going to ask if you held onto it for me, given that I can't remember its details.
[it's in the moment where lup reaches out to him that she might be able to feel it -
the odd disruption in the peace that soo-won normally seems to carry. the sense that something isn't quite right, and he's not sure how to fix it, uncomfortable. a bone-deep sadness and mourning, coupled with guilt.
even so his smile doesn't seem to budge and he continues!]
Hmm, anything about cooking? Magic? Your umbrella?
no subject
he gets - sleepiness, a buzzing sort of quiet anxiety, and concern, at the last second, when she feels that sadness. she's distracted by his questions, but she gives him a sort of worried look.
she'll just... answer, she guesses. ] Sure. You know I will. Uh... cooking is fine, magic seems... okay? I remember the umbrella, I remember the ship. Uhhh.
no subject
there's the surprise that comes with the realization that he can feel her emotions too - and he takes a step back. not rushed, but perhaps distinct. he offers a sheepish smile in response to her worry.]
... okay, then perhaps you can check with Taako. I have a basic list of things I've written down that I check each Monday to see what might have been taken. It's not exhaustive, of course, but it helps.
[like a checklist of memories]
no subject
You know, I could've taken that as an insult, but I won't. [ the stepping back thing. it's half teasing. ] I hate feelings talk but I will shake it out of you.
no subject
and then he proceeds:]
I don't want to impose any more burden on you than I already have. I don't like to see you worried about me - and if you happened to get a glimpse of what I was feeling...
[ . . . ]
As we proceed onto the next topic, I worry that it may cause you concern, when it shouldn't.
[when the things that he feels are what he wears like a cloak, constantly present with him. but they are admittedly hard to understand. he knew that even based on when last they talked, about mortality.
in the end, he doesn't want to make lup uncomfortable based on the type of person that he is.]
no subject
Alright, well, first off, if you don't think me covering you this weekend means I don't get to care about how you're feeling, you're wrong? So keep that in mind. If I didn't want anything to do with you or making sure you're good, I wouldn't.
Think you should know that by now. I'm like - I'm not emotionally slutty for just anybody.
[ she sips her coffee. ] If we're friends, we're friends. Tell me what's up.
no subject
... no, I think that you care about what I'm feeling. I care about what you're feeling, too. We care about each other, and I don't think that's something that's in doubt.
[the thing that he doubts is -
does she truly want to know what it is that he carries? can she bring herself to understand it? he's not sure.
but if she truly wants to try....]
.... do you want me to step forward while I tell you?
no subject
[ she rests her chin in her palm, watching him. ]
I promise whatever it is it's not going to ruin my day.
no subject
with a glance to ensure that no one will overhear...]
.... they returned a memory to me, given what I'd down. It was... that I had killed the previous king of my country.
[and the feeling of sadness returns, of duty, of responsibility. that which he does not intend to shy away from, or hide away from. but with it is a sense of loss, grief, and mourning -
of what happens when you've hurt someone that you've loved.]
But it would appear... as though I no longer remember him in his entirety. I know what they whispered about him - a weak-willed and cowardly king who feared conflict so much that he banned weapons, but did not realize the stockpiles that would grow in the underworld. Someone who allowed land to be taken at our borders if it meant lessening aggression with neighboring countries, even though that would only invite invasion in the future.
I know everything that other said about him - but I don't remember... how he treated me. A king as king as that must love an awful lot, no? To be afraid of conflict means to cherish life. I know that, and yet... why don't I remember any kindness that he afforded me?
Because I know - they left me with this feeling... that I loved him. That he was family to me. That I removed him to protect the country - but it did not diminish my affection for him.
So I wonder... did I tell you anything about him?
Do you know what he's like?
[and there is the confusion - the oddity that exists when soo-won knows without question that he loves someone, and yet.
there is also pain. there is uncertainty. there is hurt inflicted on him by the person that he loved so much, where he can place all the bad times and yet none of the good.
but he finds himself searching for the decency and humanity anyway.]
no subject
sadness, empathy, a little worry, but never judgement. she takes I killed the previous king of my country without a second thought. it - fits. it makes sense, almost, the way he describes it. this is the kind of person he is, someone willing to get his hands dirty if he needs. to do it out of compassion, even if it means hurting someone. she's killed and died so many times that she can't even fault him. there's a reason. just like with sharon, there's a reason.
and by the end, she gently reaches out, and holds his sleeve. not his hand, not wanting the shock, but. ]
No. You didn't. You told me about your mother, and your father, but not your king. [ ... genuinely, softly, without any sort of disgust or reprehension: ] I'm sorry.
no subject
[he takes the moment where she reaches for his sleeve - and he allows it. turns his hand as though he almost wants to take hers. he doesn't, stops short of it, but it is nonetheless there as if to mime the same hold. she'll feel the way that he seems like he wants to stop there, and yet.
and yet.]
... don't tell Yona. Don't mention anything about this.
[ . . . ]
The king was my uncle - and so he was her father.
I think that the very first week here... we both forgot. We haven't been able to place it, and so she seems to have drifted back to how we acted when we were growing up, relying on me, and... smiling at me.
[acting warmly toward him. lup will be able to feel it - the guilt, the sense that he doesn't deserve it, but also... the nostalgia, the way that his heart aches like he's missed it so much.]
... I have to keep pretending as though I've forgotten.
But I don't want to disrupt her, or give her anything more to worry about. She's already so worried about everyone but that type of weight....
I'm worried it would be too much, and she wouldn't even be able to recall it.
no subject
I won't tell her. I don't think she'd believe me even if I did. [ ... ] I'll hold onto it for you, too. In case you forget again.
no subject
he knows how easy it is for people to believe in him, and he lets them.
there's the odd tug of war feeling next, as if he's not sure whether he wants to go on - but with it comes this odd note of realization that it's weird for him to be uncertain.
regardless he presses on:]
... the day I met Yona, I snuck in past the guards to see her. She was just a baby, barely a year old. I'd thought.... her red hair was so lovely and cute, so I wanted to pet it and say hello to her. She and her mother weren't accepting many visitors... but I thought it'd make her happy to see more people.
Though I was found - and her father brought me back to my mother in a fuss.
He'd said...
He received an unpleasant feeling from me. And perhaps he was right to do so - given that I led to his demise more than a decade later. But I...
[Do I give off an unpleasant feeling? Does Yona find me unpleasant too?]
... why do they let me remember that? And not the father who loved his daughter?
[why do they leave soo-won with what's painful, even when he wants to express love?]
no subject
[ she tilts her head to try and catch his gaze. ]
But let me tell you something - love is enduring. [ she tugs his sleeve a bit. ]
Love is what we've got, when everything else fails. And it's not gone, not completely. Nothing can take it from us entirely, not even the weight of our own memories. Or lack thereof, in your case. I think that goes for both you and Yona.
I know that sounds hopelessly corny and idealistic but - I believe it. I have to.
no subject
well, he likes lup. he enjoys her. the way that she speaks to him, and the words that she offers, the kindness that he thinks is so readily obvious and wonders why she bothers to hide it from others....
she'll feel that appreciation and fondness, unreserved and sweet even as he offers her up a smile]
... it's not as though I disagree with you. I think that I'll always be someone who's guided by compassion, even when there are times where I make decisions that harm others. I have to believe in that.
[he has to believe that his life is worthy something where he can leave before more good than harm.
even if it feels heavy in the moment.]
Thank you, Lup. I'm sorry for what you've lost as well.
no subject
[ she won't! there's a fear there that she can't shake, a desperate urge to protect herself from losing herself. but she won't admit it, she won't say it, and she'll focus on the appreciation and fondness instead. she likes that much better. she soaks it in.
he can have her affection in return. she's less unreserved - it's hard to just be honest, like that, she doesn't know how. but it's there. ]
Thanks for trusting me with that. [ she says, leaning forward just a little. ]
no subject
though.... at the mention of trust, he seems to pause a moment before admitting]
.... you're welcome. Thank you for being willing to listen.
Though I also think... something might be making me behave oddly today. [a beat] Hopefully just today.
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