They all saw me as something much greater than what I was.
[ She doesn't really want to say she's been called a savior, holy maiden, or saint any more than she wants to say she's been called a witch or a heretic. All she did was choose a path to save her country that involved killing and being complicit in the death of so many others. ]
Because no one negotiated for my release and because my trial was used for political gains. Because I was betrayed.
[ She offers him a small smile. ]
I knew that would be the fate I met. It wasn't very common for a young girl to charge into war as I did.
[ Even though she knew the chances of her dying young were near certain and even though she knew she'd be throwing away her chances for personal happiness, she still chose to go down that path. ]
[ . . . . it takes him some time to listen, to understand, to let everything click together, puzzle piece by puzzle piece. he understands that jeanne is much older than "19, once" and that what she's telling him must have happened before her time as ruler.]
.... but it does not feel like betrayal, when all you sought was to be of service to your country's people. When you make your choices, and live and die based on none other than that hope.
[because it doesn't matter if they come to save you - because you never expected anyone to, anyway.]
I meant it - when I said that I think you are someone who lives an even more sincere life than I. I think I can confidently stand by that statement now.
It is enough that I know the life I led. It is enough to know that my country regained what it lost.
[ So in the end, it doesn't matter how she met her end if her goals and dreams were met. It's what she threw away a happy and ordinary life for. She couldn't expect a happy and ordinary end.
Could she even call that a hope, as much as she believes in it? ]
I can't agree or disagree if your life is more or less sincere without hearing about it.
[ And even then, becoming a Servant changes things and calls for a little more secrecy. ]
I've told others about my father - his name is Yu-hon. He's someone that I would like to refrain from forgetting, for as long as I can. In truth, my story starts with him.
He was a grand soldier, gallant and fearsome on the battlefield. He had strength, intelligence, charisma - and a heart that beat for our kingdom. I've told others that he's incredible. Even in the ways of nobles, he was passed over for a position and instead his younger brother was chosen - but afterward, my father only said that it did not matter to him. He would serve on the frontlines regardless, to protect the country and his brother's will - for his brother was instead crowned king.
I'd thought - my father is amazing. I'd thought that I would live and die for his sake, eventually join him on the battlefield and give my life for him.
But my father died within the year - and I discovered that his brother had killed him.
[a beat]
... but I'd thought that it would take time to discern the type of ruler that my uncle would be. My father trusted him, and turmoil would overtake the country if there was a coup so soon after the crowning of a new king.
Yet... the situation only grew worse. [he frowns at this, as if thinking of distant memories] The other Tribes that oversaw land in Kouka lacked unity. Famine, drug use, and human trafficking began to overtake villages. Land was lost at our borders, and citizens could no longer believe in their own safety.
[he opens his mouth, pauses, and frowns in thought]
[before facing her straightforwardly, moving past it as he bows his head briefly before righting it]
And so -
My name is Soo-won, and I'm currently the King of Kouka. Won the Merchant, son of nobles... does exist in a way, given that is an identity I've [fabricated] carried since childhood -
But I'm afraid that he doesn't possess the entirety of history that I do.
It's hard for me to call myself sincere, when I recognize I placed a screen to obscure understanding between myself and others here.
Though without land, power, or command to my name - I think I'm closer to being Won than ever.
[ She meets his gaze without wavering. It's the least she can do, if he's trusting her to this extent.
She listens and hears his love for his father and for his country, hears the implication (the confession) of his full title. He wanted better for his country, and so he worked to make it happen.
His warning is bright in her mind. Does he want her to judge him for this? Her own story isn't noble.
She has one more question, and she reaches over and takes one of his hands in hers in a gentle hold. ]
[ah - he allows it, and he doesn't flinch back. he will hold in return, loose enough that she can pull away whenever she wishes.]
... I would, if this place didn't take it.
[and that sits poorly with him]
I can conjecture, of course. My father's supporters and all who wished for him to become king started rallying around me. I wanted to ask my uncle to step down if he was determined to be unfit for the throne...
But did I do it? Did one of his attendants take his head? Did my father's loyal aides rush ahead of me?
[his brow furrows and the hardest part of this game is trying to keep soo-won from logic-ing his way back to his own memories]
Regardless, he passed.
Even for all that I loved him [because he did love his uncle, he did love King Il] our country had no place for a weak king.
[ Such an important memory to be taken from him already.
She doesn't know Soo-won well enough to know if that's something he'd leave to someone else to do or if he'd take it on himself. She does think he's sharp enough that if it's one of his father's loyal aides did it, he'd know.
Either way, there's no way to say it's not damning, if he's complicit in the murder of a family member even if he did love his uncle. Love does not remove the act of killing.
Her love for her country does not wipe away the death of the English she called for. ]
For how much you love your country and your people, you decided you would make a choice that would hurt you.
[ Because it must have. Someone who didn't care wouldn't ask so many questions, wouldn't want to know so much. ]
I don't think it's that much less a sincere life than mine. You may disagree, but there's more to tell.
[ A small beat. ]
May I call you Soo-won when it's just you and I? I'd still call you Won around others.
[ Because it's his history that makes him a king. ]
he pauses, and wonders if that's right to claim. because there are others who are far more lost without il. yona, of course. hak. people that soo-won loves, that he hurt. that he made a choice to hurt.
but he hears jeanne's question and offers a soft smile - ]
You may. Thank you for asking. It's been a while since someone's truly called me only Soo-won... so it's nice.
[only hak and yona. to joo-doh and kye-sook, he's currently Your Majesty and before that he was Lord Soo-won.
it's nice - to just be soo-won.]
... if there's more to tell, would you be willing to share it? I'm still listening.
[ She doesn't doubt that his choices have hurts others and she won't glaze over it, but she wants to acknowledge his struggles, too. After all, didn't he say that they were the type to put aside their personal considerations?
It's easier to acknowledge for someone else than it is for yourself. ]
My personal history isn't something that I care to keep under lock, but what I am now should be. What I am now... is something a little more than my past. I lost my life, but here, I am alive.
I am no longer human. I am what mages in my world call a Heroic Spirit, a Servant summoned and given a second life. Ruler is the class of Servant I am, and Servants are called by their class names to obfuscate their identities.
Jeanne is a common enough name. If you were from my world and you knew my full name, my True Name, you would be able to research my history. You would know what could be my strengths or weaknesses.
[ That would be more true if she were a typical Servant, but she isn't. ]
What I was called to do and what I'm and adjudicator for is a war in which the winner is granted a wish. There was something wrong with my summoning, and I had to possess a human.
[ Her incomplete summoning is a fact that even some of those she worked closely with before she came here don't know. ]
I did not know the true reason for why I was summoned because it's not a human that summoned me but the device that grants the wish. I know it now, and it was because a possible winner's wish would endanger humankind.
[ . . . . well then, that's considerably more out of his depth. despite this, he listens, and he holds onto her hand. he takes in her explanation of everything that she is now, and adapts what they'd talked about before into this conversation.
Ruler, with the intention to protect mankind, and intervening on a war in which the winner is granted a wish. he breathes out a quiet, gently amused breath - ]
Perhaps you were summoned to the Realm because someone here possesses a similar wish - or because our failure would result in the loss of humanity across multiple worlds.
[wouldn't that be something?
even still....]
Thank you for telling me.
Now that I have context... perhaps I might as well ask again -
Do you have a name that you prefer to be called by? Even if it's only when it is just us two.
If only that were the case, all this would be simpler.
[ It'd still be a murdergame, but at least she'd know how that particular murdergame works. ]
What I said then is still true now that you know more. I am Jeanne, and I am Ruler.
[ She could not be Ruler without being Jeanne d'Arc, and more times than not, she functions and identities as Ruler. It's the reason for her existence. However, just as he is without land, power, or command to his name here, neither does she have any of her privileges to hers.
To be Ruler is to stand alone, but this is not a Holy Grail War, and she...
She does not have the right to be selfish, but...
Her voice is soft, almost unsure, as if this isn't something she should say. ]
It would be nice to simply be Jeanne sometimes.
[ A girl from the country without the title of saint. ]
perhaps not in the same way - but for all his games and claiming the title of Won here, he knows that he cannot pull away from the fact that he is a king. and if this place would eventually take his title from his memory, he cannot pull away from the love that he has for his country that far outweighs the weight that a merchant identity can carry.
just as the blood of the crimson king runs through his veins, soo-won loves kouka.
but sometimes it is nice to know that he does not have to wear the crown at all times, and he thinks that he hears the notes of uncertainty in her voice.
he interlaces their fingers, if only to reassure her, and ducks his head closer to hers so that their foreheads nearly touch]
Then sometimes -
We will simply be Jeanne and Soo-won.
[without the weight of the world and the fates of countless beloved strangers on their shoulders]
[ It would be a disservice to them both to ignore or pretend how their decisions led to them to be where they are now—a king and a Servant. When they both have disregarded themselves as individuals and instead chose to be instruments to better their countries, when they have both chosen to move forward without looking back—
Maybe it's all right if they can just be themselves and not what they chose to be.
Maybe he can be someone else who can walk alongside her, for a time.
She curls her fingers, tightening her hold briefly. ]
That's fair.
[ It's her ruling as Jeanne and not as Ruler. She smiles up at him before she lets their foreheads touch. ]
Sometimes, we will simply be two.
[ Without all their countless titles and responsibilities, there is still love for the people. ]
it's interesting, he thinks. this is an inarguably terrible situation, one that is difficult to navigate through the horrible aspects. but at the same time -
he did not think that he would meet another who understands the way that he thinks, the way that he chooses to move forward in life. while he would not quite yet say that it is 'worth it', given the way that it inflicts pain on others in this situation
he cannot deny this one moment of appreciation, of selfish 'I am glad I got to meet you'.]
Is that something you need to thank me for?
I'm afraid it's one of the easiest tasks I've encountered since coming to this place.
[ It is because they are in such a terrible situation that meeting someone like him stands out so much more. It is because he's from another world that she can't help but be a little selfish even if she shouldn't.
There is a small fledgling hope that he won't ever see her as something that so many others do.
Her mind flashes to someone who reminded her of herself not too long ago, and she pulls away from Soo-won a little although her grip on his hand is still firm. ]
That in itself makes you wonderful. It is so easy to be expected to be a certain way, but you have listened and tried to see without any bias.
It's a little...
[ Freeing, as if she will ever be free from her history. She shakes her head. ]
I am glad you are who you are.
[ It pains her that this place could change that. ]
yet there is something in his heart that rejects it at first - he knows that jeanne means it sincerely, but some part of him wonders when it may change. to see the world without bias is something that he considers a strength, something that he admires in her as well -
but to see a world without bias means compartmentalizing. it means that loyalty is compromised when difficult decisions have to be made. it means that affection is put into question, no matter its sincerity.
even his mother eventually had qualms with the person he was - who he's always been.
but that does not reflect on his face as he only offers a soft smile]
... I wish that you did not feel this way - I wish that it was more common for you to be met for the person that you are, rather than who you're expected to be.
[he wishes that this wasn't an anomaly for her, when others get to have it as a norm]
But if this is some solace I can offer you, then I'm glad for it. Thank you for allowing me to share with you as well.
[ His wish is sweet, but the likelihood that she'd be here without those expectations, without the myriad of belief and faith heaped upon her is close to nil.
She has accepted what others believed her to be whether or not she agreed. Even if everyone betrays her in this, the only one she doesn't want to betray her is herself. ]
I am here to help people, first and foremost. However that manifests, I am willing to take it on, and I am happy you were willing to share with me.
[ He lifted a veil shrouding himself, and how meaningful that is isn't lost on her.
She shifts, moving to rise to her feet. ]
I am thankful for what we both shared, but I should look into the morale of the others.
[ She smiles her appreciation. As much as she'd like to stay and take comfort in his company, in the comfort that someone like him exists, it feels a little too selfish, a little too indulgent.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ She doesn't really want to say she's been called a savior, holy maiden, or saint any more than she wants to say she's been called a witch or a heretic. All she did was choose a path to save her country that involved killing and being complicit in the death of so many others. ]
Because no one negotiated for my release and because my trial was used for political gains. Because I was betrayed.
[ She offers him a small smile. ]
I knew that would be the fate I met. It wasn't very common for a young girl to charge into war as I did.
[ Even though she knew the chances of her dying young were near certain and even though she knew she'd be throwing away her chances for personal happiness, she still chose to go down that path. ]
no subject
.... but it does not feel like betrayal, when all you sought was to be of service to your country's people. When you make your choices, and live and die based on none other than that hope.
[because it doesn't matter if they come to save you - because you never expected anyone to, anyway.]
I meant it - when I said that I think you are someone who lives an even more sincere life than I. I think I can confidently stand by that statement now.
I think I understand a bit better now.
no subject
[ So in the end, it doesn't matter how she met her end if her goals and dreams were met. It's what she threw away a happy and ordinary life for. She couldn't expect a happy and ordinary end.
Could she even call that a hope, as much as she believes in it? ]
I can't agree or disagree if your life is more or less sincere without hearing about it.
[ And even then, becoming a Servant changes things and calls for a little more secrecy. ]
[1/2]
[but he'll share.]
I've told others about my father - his name is Yu-hon. He's someone that I would like to refrain from forgetting, for as long as I can. In truth, my story starts with him.
He was a grand soldier, gallant and fearsome on the battlefield. He had strength, intelligence, charisma - and a heart that beat for our kingdom. I've told others that he's incredible. Even in the ways of nobles, he was passed over for a position and instead his younger brother was chosen - but afterward, my father only said that it did not matter to him. He would serve on the frontlines regardless, to protect the country and his brother's will - for his brother was instead crowned king.
I'd thought - my father is amazing. I'd thought that I would live and die for his sake, eventually join him on the battlefield and give my life for him.
But my father died within the year - and I discovered that his brother had killed him.
[a beat]
... but I'd thought that it would take time to discern the type of ruler that my uncle would be. My father trusted him, and turmoil would overtake the country if there was a coup so soon after the crowning of a new king.
Yet... the situation only grew worse. [he frowns at this, as if thinking of distant memories] The other Tribes that oversaw land in Kouka lacked unity. Famine, drug use, and human trafficking began to overtake villages. Land was lost at our borders, and citizens could no longer believe in their own safety.
[he opens his mouth, pauses, and frowns in thought]
no subject
And so -
My name is Soo-won, and I'm currently the King of Kouka. Won the Merchant, son of nobles... does exist in a way, given that is an identity I've [fabricated] carried since childhood -
But I'm afraid that he doesn't possess the entirety of history that I do.
It's hard for me to call myself sincere, when I recognize I placed a screen to obscure understanding between myself and others here.
Though without land, power, or command to my name - I think I'm closer to being Won than ever.
no subject
She listens and hears his love for his father and for his country, hears the implication (the confession) of his full title. He wanted better for his country, and so he worked to make it happen.
His warning is bright in her mind. Does he want her to judge him for this? Her own story isn't noble.
She has one more question, and she reaches over and takes one of his hands in hers in a gentle hold. ]
Will you tell me what happened to your uncle?
no subject
... I would, if this place didn't take it.
[and that sits poorly with him]
I can conjecture, of course. My father's supporters and all who wished for him to become king started rallying around me. I wanted to ask my uncle to step down if he was determined to be unfit for the throne...
But did I do it? Did one of his attendants take his head? Did my father's loyal aides rush ahead of me?
[his brow furrows and the hardest part of this game is trying to keep soo-won from logic-ing his way back to his own memories]
Regardless, he passed.
Even for all that I loved him [because he did love his uncle, he did love King Il] our country had no place for a weak king.
no subject
She doesn't know Soo-won well enough to know if that's something he'd leave to someone else to do or if he'd take it on himself. She does think he's sharp enough that if it's one of his father's loyal aides did it, he'd know.
Either way, there's no way to say it's not damning, if he's complicit in the murder of a family member even if he did love his uncle. Love does not remove the act of killing.
Her love for her country does not wipe away the death of the English she called for. ]
For how much you love your country and your people, you decided you would make a choice that would hurt you.
[ Because it must have. Someone who didn't care wouldn't ask so many questions, wouldn't want to know so much. ]
I don't think it's that much less a sincere life than mine. You may disagree, but there's more to tell.
[ A small beat. ]
May I call you Soo-won when it's just you and I? I'd still call you Won around others.
[ Because it's his history that makes him a king. ]
no subject
he pauses, and wonders if that's right to claim. because there are others who are far more lost without il. yona, of course. hak. people that soo-won loves, that he hurt. that he made a choice to hurt.
but he hears jeanne's question and offers a soft smile - ]
You may. Thank you for asking. It's been a while since someone's truly called me only Soo-won... so it's nice.
[only hak and yona. to joo-doh and kye-sook, he's currently Your Majesty and before that he was Lord Soo-won.
it's nice - to just be soo-won.]
... if there's more to tell, would you be willing to share it? I'm still listening.
no subject
It's easier to acknowledge for someone else than it is for yourself. ]
My personal history isn't something that I care to keep under lock, but what I am now should be. What I am now... is something a little more than my past. I lost my life, but here, I am alive.
I am no longer human. I am what mages in my world call a Heroic Spirit, a Servant summoned and given a second life. Ruler is the class of Servant I am, and Servants are called by their class names to obfuscate their identities.
Jeanne is a common enough name. If you were from my world and you knew my full name, my True Name, you would be able to research my history. You would know what could be my strengths or weaknesses.
[ That would be more true if she were a typical Servant, but she isn't. ]
What I was called to do and what I'm and adjudicator for is a war in which the winner is granted a wish. There was something wrong with my summoning, and I had to possess a human.
[ Her incomplete summoning is a fact that even some of those she worked closely with before she came here don't know. ]
I did not know the true reason for why I was summoned because it's not a human that summoned me but the device that grants the wish. I know it now, and it was because a possible winner's wish would endanger humankind.
no subject
Ruler, with the intention to protect mankind, and intervening on a war in which the winner is granted a wish. he breathes out a quiet, gently amused breath - ]
Perhaps you were summoned to the Realm because someone here possesses a similar wish - or because our failure would result in the loss of humanity across multiple worlds.
[wouldn't that be something?
even still....]
Thank you for telling me.
Now that I have context... perhaps I might as well ask again -
Do you have a name that you prefer to be called by? Even if it's only when it is just us two.
no subject
[ It'd still be a murdergame, but at least she'd know how that particular murdergame works. ]
What I said then is still true now that you know more. I am Jeanne, and I am Ruler.
[ She could not be Ruler without being Jeanne d'Arc, and more times than not, she functions and identities as Ruler. It's the reason for her existence. However, just as he is without land, power, or command to his name here, neither does she have any of her privileges to hers.
To be Ruler is to stand alone, but this is not a Holy Grail War, and she...
She does not have the right to be selfish, but...
Her voice is soft, almost unsure, as if this isn't something she should say. ]
It would be nice to simply be Jeanne sometimes.
[ A girl from the country without the title of saint. ]
no subject
perhaps not in the same way - but for all his games and claiming the title of Won here, he knows that he cannot pull away from the fact that he is a king. and if this place would eventually take his title from his memory, he cannot pull away from the love that he has for his country that far outweighs the weight that a merchant identity can carry.
just as the blood of the crimson king runs through his veins, soo-won loves kouka.
but sometimes it is nice to know that he does not have to wear the crown at all times, and he thinks that he hears the notes of uncertainty in her voice.
he interlaces their fingers, if only to reassure her, and ducks his head closer to hers so that their foreheads nearly touch]
Then sometimes -
We will simply be Jeanne and Soo-won.
[without the weight of the world and the fates of countless beloved strangers on their shoulders]
And that will be enough for we two.
Sound fair?
no subject
Maybe it's all right if they can just be themselves and not what they chose to be.
Maybe he can be someone else who can walk alongside her, for a time.
She curls her fingers, tightening her hold briefly. ]
That's fair.
[ It's her ruling as Jeanne and not as Ruler. She smiles up at him before she lets their foreheads touch. ]
Sometimes, we will simply be two.
[ Without all their countless titles and responsibilities, there is still love for the people. ]
Thank you, Soo-Won, for accepting me as I am.
no subject
it's interesting, he thinks. this is an inarguably terrible situation, one that is difficult to navigate through the horrible aspects. but at the same time -
he did not think that he would meet another who understands the way that he thinks, the way that he chooses to move forward in life. while he would not quite yet say that it is 'worth it', given the way that it inflicts pain on others in this situation
he cannot deny this one moment of appreciation, of selfish 'I am glad I got to meet you'.]
Is that something you need to thank me for?
I'm afraid it's one of the easiest tasks I've encountered since coming to this place.
[something that he feels almost lucky for]
no subject
There is a small fledgling hope that he won't ever see her as something that so many others do.
Her mind flashes to someone who reminded her of herself not too long ago, and she pulls away from Soo-won a little although her grip on his hand is still firm. ]
That in itself makes you wonderful. It is so easy to be expected to be a certain way, but you have listened and tried to see without any bias.
It's a little...
[ Freeing, as if she will ever be free from her history. She shakes her head. ]
I am glad you are who you are.
[ It pains her that this place could change that. ]
no subject
yet there is something in his heart that rejects it at first - he knows that jeanne means it sincerely, but some part of him wonders when it may change. to see the world without bias is something that he considers a strength, something that he admires in her as well -
but to see a world without bias means compartmentalizing. it means that loyalty is compromised when difficult decisions have to be made. it means that affection is put into question, no matter its sincerity.
even his mother eventually had qualms with the person he was - who he's always been.
but that does not reflect on his face as he only offers a soft smile]
... I wish that you did not feel this way - I wish that it was more common for you to be met for the person that you are, rather than who you're expected to be.
[he wishes that this wasn't an anomaly for her, when others get to have it as a norm]
But if this is some solace I can offer you, then I'm glad for it. Thank you for allowing me to share with you as well.
no subject
She has accepted what others believed her to be whether or not she agreed. Even if everyone betrays her in this, the only one she doesn't want to betray her is herself. ]
I am here to help people, first and foremost. However that manifests, I am willing to take it on, and I am happy you were willing to share with me.
[ He lifted a veil shrouding himself, and how meaningful that is isn't lost on her.
She shifts, moving to rise to her feet. ]
I am thankful for what we both shared, but I should look into the morale of the others.
[ She smiles her appreciation. As much as she'd like to stay and take comfort in his company, in the comfort that someone like him exists, it feels a little too selfish, a little too indulgent.
She can't allow for any more. ]