Does it truly change one's feelings? To know of a history, compared to knowing the person in front of you.
[perhaps one can inform the other, and both parts are worth being acknowledged - but he doesn't think that ultimately it would do anything to keep someone from worrying. from wanting someone to be safe.
No, of course not, but we had a conversation and he has enough context that...
[ But maybe it is just that Jeanne isn't used to people worrying about her in that way when she is used to being looked to or watched because she presents some kind of danger.
Maybe even after all the connections she's made, she is still too used to being alone. ]
I know emotions are not that easy. [ She knows all too well. ] But you know that wasn't my intent.
[he knows that plenty well - and he just runs a hand through his own hair even as he lets his back fall against the roof of the planetarium, gaze going toward the sky.]
... your injuries? We can go to the first aid station, when you're ready.
[rather than sitting here, moping with him as he works through his own feelings. it's habitual for him, to put his attention to others when they might need him instead of licking his own wounds.]
[ Jeanne's expression almost breaks, as if she's pained, and she closes her eyes for a brief second. When she opens them again, there's something almost like pleading in them until it fades.
Her voice is quiet. ]
I know you can be, but please just stop for a moment. I know others will look for you and look to you later, but I just—
[ . . . soo-won's expression pauses then and - it is not enough to get him to obviously falter, though there is something sad in his gaze when he notices jeanne's own pain.]
.... I lost someone dear to me.
Someone I've known since - she was a baby. Someone who looked like she was close to crying, when I had to move away... and someone who recalled that I had killed her father and -
[ . . . ]
She didn't want her fear and hurt to win... even if no one would have faulted her if they did.
I am not alright.
[he can admit that, because - if there is anything that could truly get his heart to break here, it would be this.]
[ That's all she needed, all she wanted from him. It's enough. She doesn't have the right to drag more out of him or to help him mourn even if they are working on a way to get all the dead back.
She just wanted something from him. ]
All right.
[ She moves away and carefully lies back on the roof to face the sky, too. ]
She grew by leaps and bounds with an unmatched tenacity. Even in our short time here, I know she wouldn't let her fear or hurt to win in the end.
[for a long, long moment after that, he's quiet. he watches the sky, and watches the clouds drift by. gulfan circles overhead, worriedly, but not descending since he is not called.
it would have been nice if they, as children, were able to sit underneath that giant, blue sky forever.
if he looks to the sky and only the sky - he can make play as though he is not somewhere else, and they never aged a day.
but he doesn't let the dream last too long.
eventually, when he speaks, it's soft.]
.... even now, I don't think I deserve the way that she tried to forgive me.
But I'd thought that... if she wanted me at her side, then if I wasn't bound by - [à̴̜̊ ̸͓̈k̷͙̂i̵̱̇n̴̒ͅg̵̭̜͛'̴͎̽s̸̠͝ ̷̼̑d̸̻͊̕u̸͕̠͂͑t̵͕̾̇y̵̨̝̑. a pause. what was he bound by?] .... if it was here... then I would treasure that time.
[when she reaches for his hand - she'll find that he takes hers rather easily, holding on gently even if he doesn't quite pull his gaze away from the sky.
the irony isn't lost on him.
jeanne speaks so easily of losing - when he knows just as easily as any other that he will lose her, too. even if he thinks that he's prepared for it.
maybe if he was someone else - he would choose to steel his heart, and make the separation easier. in some cases, he's been the one to cut ties in order to maintain order, and to keep others safe.
right now, he thinks he's the most likely to get hurt.
if that's all it is, he doesn't mind continuing to hold on.]
[ After all, she is preparing herself to be lost just so people can be returned, but right now, as they are both staring at a sky that holds childhood dreams, she thinks a few things she probably shouldn't.
She's silent for a moment. ]
Tomorrow, I won't say anything myself for a while.
[ But she thinks she made it rather plain, so that may not matter. ]
Jeanne's smile is wan, but it's present. It's also almost a little lost, something that she lets show, if only because it's him next to her and not anyone else. ]
I don't. My choices remain. I am not backing down or away from them and will accept what comes to me for making them.
But I...
[ It has been harder for her to compartmentalize her feelings lately, and because she has a high chance of being voted for and because Soo-won is smart, perhaps he can notice how Jeanne reacts when other people call her by a name that he has not called her since the first time they met and perhaps what it means to lose that.
And perhaps, it is harder for Jeanne to compartmentalize her feelings because there is no longer a larger role and responsibility spelled out for her to compartmentalize into.
When it's only her and her own sense of duty without the extra armor that her class gives her. ]
It's difficult to say.
[ And even without that, it's still so hard for her to admit to some of her personal feelings. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Does it truly change one's feelings? To know of a history, compared to knowing the person in front of you.
[perhaps one can inform the other, and both parts are worth being acknowledged - but he doesn't think that ultimately it would do anything to keep someone from worrying. from wanting someone to be safe.
he knows it makes no difference for him.]
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[ But maybe it is just that Jeanne isn't used to people worrying about her in that way when she is used to being looked to or watched because she presents some kind of danger.
Maybe even after all the connections she's made, she is still too used to being alone. ]
I know emotions are not that easy. [ She knows all too well. ] But you know that wasn't my intent.
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Mm, I know.
[he knows that plenty well - and he just runs a hand through his own hair even as he lets his back fall against the roof of the planetarium, gaze going toward the sky.]
... your injuries? We can go to the first aid station, when you're ready.
[rather than sitting here, moping with him as he works through his own feelings. it's habitual for him, to put his attention to others when they might need him instead of licking his own wounds.]
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I am not ready yet because you are not.
[ She is going to say that plainly because she knows he prefers to focus on others over himself.
She told him he didn't have to say anything, not that she wouldn't say anything. ]
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she does know him well but - he offers up a small, very sheepish smile.]
I can be ready.
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Her voice is quiet. ]
I know you can be, but please just stop for a moment. I know others will look for you and look to you later, but I just—
I want you to not have to be for just a moment.
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.... I lost someone dear to me.
Someone I've known since - she was a baby. Someone who looked like she was close to crying, when I had to move away... and someone who recalled that I had killed her father and -
[ . . . ]
She didn't want her fear and hurt to win... even if no one would have faulted her if they did.
I am not alright.
[he can admit that, because - if there is anything that could truly get his heart to break here, it would be this.]
But I will be.
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[ That's all she needed, all she wanted from him. It's enough. She doesn't have the right to drag more out of him or to help him mourn even if they are working on a way to get all the dead back.
She just wanted something from him. ]
All right.
[ She moves away and carefully lies back on the roof to face the sky, too. ]
She grew by leaps and bounds with an unmatched tenacity. Even in our short time here, I know she wouldn't let her fear or hurt to win in the end.
I saw that much.
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it would have been nice if they, as children, were able to sit underneath that giant, blue sky forever.
if he looks to the sky and only the sky - he can make play as though he is not somewhere else, and they never aged a day.
but he doesn't let the dream last too long.
eventually, when he speaks, it's soft.]
.... even now, I don't think I deserve the way that she tried to forgive me.
But I'd thought that... if she wanted me at her side, then if I wasn't bound by - [à̴̜̊ ̸͓̈k̷͙̂i̵̱̇n̴̒ͅg̵̭̜͛'̴͎̽s̸̠͝ ̷̼̑d̸̻͊̕u̸͕̠͂͑t̵͕̾̇y̵̨̝̑. a pause. what was he bound by?] .... if it was here... then I would treasure that time.
[ . . . ]
I'd thought... there would be more of it.
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Jeanne reaches for his hand even if she isn't looking for it, feeling along the surface of he roof as if searching for a connection. ]
Forgiveness from others isn't something you decide whether or not you think you deserve it. It speaks more of her heart than anything else.
[ She looks at him for a moment. There was something lost, more than just what they were talking about. ]
We never really know what we lost until we lose it. Even if we think we're prepared for it.
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the irony isn't lost on him.
jeanne speaks so easily of losing - when he knows just as easily as any other that he will lose her, too. even if he thinks that he's prepared for it.
maybe if he was someone else - he would choose to steel his heart, and make the separation easier. in some cases, he's been the one to cut ties in order to maintain order, and to keep others safe.
right now, he thinks he's the most likely to get hurt.
if that's all it is, he doesn't mind continuing to hold on.]
.... she'll be back, I suppose.
[they both will.
he just has to hold on, until then.]
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She will.
[ After all, she is preparing herself to be lost just so people can be returned, but right now, as they are both staring at a sky that holds childhood dreams, she thinks a few things she probably shouldn't.
She's silent for a moment. ]
Tomorrow, I won't say anything myself for a while.
[ But she thinks she made it rather plain, so that may not matter. ]
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Don't hold yourself back for my sake.
[in any other situation, it would probably be meant to be teasing.
but in this case - he means it almost entirely.
jeanne made her choice long before this, and he has no intention of being the reason why she falters.]
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There really isn't, not for what she's trying parse within her own heart and mind. ]
It is not—
[ She shakes her head even if he isn't looking at her.
And much, much softer, almost too quiet: ]
It is not just that.
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he'll match her volume, wondering:]
... what is it?
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I'm ready.
[ To get her injuries treated. ]
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and so instead he says - ]
And if I decide I am not?
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[ But she hasn't let go of his hand yet, so. ]
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I don't believe you to have second thoughts on something you have already decided.
[zuko had told him - how impossible it had been to convince jeanne to not leave incriminating evidence. soo-won had known, that would be her way.
so what is it, that might get her to even delay?]
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Jeanne's smile is wan, but it's present. It's also almost a little lost, something that she lets show, if only because it's him next to her and not anyone else. ]
I don't. My choices remain. I am not backing down or away from them and will accept what comes to me for making them.
But I...
[ It has been harder for her to compartmentalize her feelings lately, and because she has a high chance of being voted for and because Soo-won is smart, perhaps he can notice how Jeanne reacts when other people call her by a name that he has not called her since the first time they met and perhaps what it means to lose that.
And perhaps, it is harder for Jeanne to compartmentalize her feelings because there is no longer a larger role and responsibility spelled out for her to compartmentalize into.
When it's only her and her own sense of duty without the extra armor that her class gives her. ]
It's difficult to say.
[ And even without that, it's still so hard for her to admit to some of her personal feelings. ]