[ he really just doesn't want to hear it. he can't hear it. not tonight. he can't hear another insistence that he's done good, or that he's a good man, or anything like that. not when he doesn't even know what's right and wrong anymore. ]
I did what I had to do, and so did you. There's... nothing to be praised here. So don't... try to justify me. Especially when you won't accept it for -- for Yona.
I can never prioritize one person over the greater whole of people, else everything will fall to ruin. I will not run from what I have done in the past, or be able to regret it.
[and he sounds - certain. like this is something that he's told himself for the longest time.]
But I don't know how easily you are able to subscribe the same philosophy, or how much you will be able to forgive yourself.
To say that I am not saddened would be to deny what the people we've lost meant to me.
[and yona aside - fiora called him a friend, and told him that she wanted him to live to the end. elsa was someone who he hoped he could support, and who he wanted more time with. shigeo deserved a better future than what he was given, and soo-won wanted to see him grow.
soo-won has lost.
even outside of what has slipped out of his own hands -
he's lost plenty.]
Even if I know that they will come back... I cannot say that it does not hurt.
[ it seems like soo-won compartmentalizes so hard he barely lets himself feel anything -- it's so much about duty he's learned to repress. zuko can't do that. he can put aside his personal feelings -- sometimes --- but that's beyond him. ]
[ them coming back is what zuko keeps telling himself. but he didn't want to do this without yona, without shigeo. he wanted to watch shigeo grow even stronger. ]
Were you.. mourning? Before I found you? By yourself?
soo-won's always known this. since the days that he lost his father, his mother - even when he was so young, people looked to him. he could not afford to lose himself in grief or sadness, not when the future of the county was resting on his shoulders.
he thinks it's a good thing.
that zuko did not have to learn compartmentalization to the extent that soo-won did.
even now, the effects on his ability to regulate his emotions are painfully obvious.]
.... people don't always know what to say to me.
And perhaps I don't always know what to say that will be enough to appease others.
[even now - he thinks his answers aren't quite enough for zuko.]
[ zuko understands his duties and the reality of wars and the situation we're in... but honestly, he could never do what soo-won does. it always gives him such a strange feeling, to see him and hilda joking around casually like nothing happened. ]
[ he thinks he can understand why, maybe even a little of the how. but zuko can't ever do that. ]
[ maybe that means he'd be a bad fire lord. but he already knew that. ]
I don't want to be appeased. And I don't think there's anything I could say to you that would make this better, or more... right, or acceptable... or whatever.
If that's all it is, we don't have to talk about it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I did what I had to do, and so did you. There's... nothing to be praised here. So don't... try to justify me. Especially when you won't accept it for -- for Yona.
[ he swallows, his voice is a little hoarse. ]
no subject
I can never prioritize one person over the greater whole of people, else everything will fall to ruin. I will not run from what I have done in the past, or be able to regret it.
[and he sounds - certain. like this is something that he's told himself for the longest time.]
But I don't know how easily you are able to subscribe the same philosophy, or how much you will be able to forgive yourself.
no subject
[ and he does.... all the time they spent together, all the things soo-won's told him. if there's one thing he understands about soo-won, it's that. ]
[ to an extent, he does subscribe to the same philosophy. after all, he understands that sacrifices have to be made to end the war--- ]
[ though everything around that is a little foggy, right now. ]
It doesn't matter. As long as we do this right, and end all of this.
[ as long as all of this can mean something, and it's not just senseless violence. ]
no subject
... we will do this right, and we will end it.
But I also believe.... it does matter. If you are struggling with it, and you are unhappy with the circumstances.
Even if everything in the world is difficult... you needn't harden your heart to match it.
no subject
[ he's getting a little agitated by soo-won's insistence on this ]
Why don't you put the same weight on your own feelings?
no subject
I do.
To say that I am not saddened would be to deny what the people we've lost meant to me.
[and yona aside - fiora called him a friend, and told him that she wanted him to live to the end. elsa was someone who he hoped he could support, and who he wanted more time with. shigeo deserved a better future than what he was given, and soo-won wanted to see him grow.
soo-won has lost.
even outside of what has slipped out of his own hands -
he's lost plenty.]
Even if I know that they will come back... I cannot say that it does not hurt.
no subject
[ it seems like soo-won compartmentalizes so hard he barely lets himself feel anything -- it's so much about duty he's learned to repress. zuko can't do that. he can put aside his personal feelings -- sometimes --- but that's beyond him. ]
[ them coming back is what zuko keeps telling himself. but he didn't want to do this without yona, without shigeo. he wanted to watch shigeo grow even stronger. ]
Were you.. mourning? Before I found you? By yourself?
no subject
soo-won's always known this. since the days that he lost his father, his mother - even when he was so young, people looked to him. he could not afford to lose himself in grief or sadness, not when the future of the county was resting on his shoulders.
he thinks it's a good thing.
that zuko did not have to learn compartmentalization to the extent that soo-won did.
even now, the effects on his ability to regulate his emotions are painfully obvious.]
.... people don't always know what to say to me.
And perhaps I don't always know what to say that will be enough to appease others.
[even now - he thinks his answers aren't quite enough for zuko.]
no subject
[ he thinks he can understand why, maybe even a little of the how. but zuko can't ever do that. ]
[ maybe that means he'd be a bad fire lord. but he already knew that. ]
I don't want to be appeased. And I don't think there's anything I could say to you that would make this better, or more... right, or acceptable... or whatever.
If that's all it is, we don't have to talk about it.