[ careful is appreciated. she keeps letting out unintentional harsh breaths when she moves too quickly. ]
I don't know if it does either, especially because I'm still not clear what happened to her. [ she makes a frustrated noise. ] I feel like it - no matter how many fucking times I know things, it doesn't seem to matter where it counts.
Just for today... I think - I can admit that I am not.
[and maybe that slight, barely there admission that even after everything he's been through - dying twice, surviving a third attempt on his life, being stabbed in the heart, losing friends, making difficult choices - this....
this is perhaps the worst of it.
he doesn't really pray - but if he did, then he would pray that this is the worst of it.]
[ she shifts, doing her best to not make noise when she does it. ]
Well. For today, you don't have to be anything at all if you don't want. [ she tells him, hugging him to her. ] For today you don't have to think about recovery.
Be selfish for a sec and put the needs of the many aside. I'm giving you permission.
[and he means that quite sincerely - how does he say these things without irony? but it really seems like if you asked him to name one of lup's flaws, you might be waiting upwards of three hours.
even as she tugs on his braid.]
.... but even if you ask me to try, I'm afraid I'm not sure what I would do. I think I was selfish enough to ask for time alone.
[when he was sure that people would be looking for him.]
[ she sighs, rolling her eyes, but she doesn't argue so much as just go: ]
You're going to break under all that self-sacrifice.
[ sniff. ] How about you make up for it then, and lay here with me for a while so I don't have to be cold and miserable and in pain by myself for a few hours.
in truth - he doesn't think that he will. even if it's foggy, and hard for him to remember what he'd done in the past.... it feels like - this is something familiar to him. like this weight is something he's used to carrying.
so perhaps it's just easy for him to agree - ]
Mm, then I'll be happy to. Do you want me to get you anything else?
[then if that's what she wants, he has no reason to disagree. his own movements are a little gingerly, but then he'll go to lay down next to her easily enough, settling himself in to face her.
it's a little bit of a funny thing - because the last person who mattered so much to him, that he could think to share a bed with was... well. yona. when they were growing up.
and it's strange, because it's hard to teach a person how to be selfish when they don't know what they'd ask for if you gave them the opportunity.
yet as he settles in with her then, soo-won thinks about what he'd told her weeks before -
if this was all the time that they had together, then it would be enough.
maybe this is what selfish looks like, for him. to be with the people he loves, without having to worry about anything else.]
[ he settles in, and she reaches to take his hand and hold onto it.
she's not used to trying to be a pillar for anybody. nobody but taako. and she's a little out of practice with the one on one part of it - with learning how to help individuals instead of the many. it's been a long time since she could allow herself to. you meet people you know are going to die, every year for a hundred years, and you stop caring. you stop learning math - because everybody does math differently on all these different worlds, so why bother? it doesn't matter. it'll be gone at the end.
all that mattered was taako. her constant.
but there are constants here, too. and she wants to give them what they deserve. she's figuring it out, or... trying to. someone to take strength from.
she thinks maybe soo-won gets too caught up in trying to offer his own. so. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she digs her phs out of her pocket to let them in. ]
We'll see. If we can't figure out who done did it, I'm going to have to fight Archer for it anyway, and he'll win, because he's a horse.
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but.]
.... the plan tomorrow is -
Please follow the most obvious lead.
And do not let it go.
We will be able to figure out who did it.
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I know the plan, for sure. [ sniff. ] Don't worry.
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Then please don't suggest you'll be voted for again.
[he truly feels as though he can only take so much this weekend]
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[ she says this so casually. ]
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.... you've already been told about what happened last night - before we were all struck to go to sleep?
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[ she pauses, and tugs him a little closer, wrapping an arm around him again. ]
I... don't even know what to say about it.
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.... My guess is that it may be something similar to what happened to Hikaru.
But I don't know if that tells us enough.
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I don't know if it does either, especially because I'm still not clear what happened to her. [ she makes a frustrated noise. ] I feel like it - no matter how many fucking times I know things, it doesn't seem to matter where it counts.
[ a little bitter laugh. ] Anyway.
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.... we can make it count.
In the end, all of it will be able to count. I know that you're frustrated and - I understand, I do.
.... but all your effort does matter.
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I know. I'm just pouting. [ ... ] Are you okay? And here's a challenge: no I'm fines.
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Just for today... I think - I can admit that I am not.
[and maybe that slight, barely there admission that even after everything he's been through - dying twice, surviving a third attempt on his life, being stabbed in the heart, losing friends, making difficult choices - this....
this is perhaps the worst of it.
he doesn't really pray - but if he did, then he would pray that this is the worst of it.]
.... but I will recover.
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[ she shifts, doing her best to not make noise when she does it. ]
Well. For today, you don't have to be anything at all if you don't want. [ she tells him, hugging him to her. ] For today you don't have to think about recovery.
Be selfish for a sec and put the needs of the many aside. I'm giving you permission.
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somewhere between sheepish, touched, and embarrassed.]
.... you might be asking a bit much of me.
[because he understands the sentiment - he does.
. . .
but he's never been selfish a day in his life.
it's hard, to suddenly ask him to try, when the concept itself feels so hard for him to reach.]
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Do not. Look, I know I have more than enough character flaws for the both of us, Bougie, but I'm sharing some with you! Take them off my hands.
[ she tugs his braid. ] You can have some selfishness. It's fresh. I am the farmer's market.
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[and he means that quite sincerely - how does he say these things without irony? but it really seems like if you asked him to name one of lup's flaws, you might be waiting upwards of three hours.
even as she tugs on his braid.]
.... but even if you ask me to try, I'm afraid I'm not sure what I would do. I think I was selfish enough to ask for time alone.
[when he was sure that people would be looking for him.]
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You're going to break under all that self-sacrifice.
[ sniff. ] How about you make up for it then, and lay here with me for a while so I don't have to be cold and miserable and in pain by myself for a few hours.
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in truth - he doesn't think that he will. even if it's foggy, and hard for him to remember what he'd done in the past.... it feels like - this is something familiar to him. like this weight is something he's used to carrying.
so perhaps it's just easy for him to agree - ]
Mm, then I'll be happy to. Do you want me to get you anything else?
[tea? a snack?]
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[ for as much as she says she's selfish - she won't be, here. she doesn't need to ask anything of him other than to just be here.
she won't leave. and she won't ask him to give more of himself, even if he's willing to give.
instead, she lets go of him and then lays down on the bed, patting the pillow next to her. ]
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it's a little bit of a funny thing - because the last person who mattered so much to him, that he could think to share a bed with was... well. yona. when they were growing up.
and it's strange, because it's hard to teach a person how to be selfish when they don't know what they'd ask for if you gave them the opportunity.
yet as he settles in with her then, soo-won thinks about what he'd told her weeks before -
if this was all the time that they had together, then it would be enough.
maybe this is what selfish looks like, for him. to be with the people he loves, without having to worry about anything else.]
.... Ru. Thank you.
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she's not used to trying to be a pillar for anybody. nobody but taako. and she's a little out of practice with the one on one part of it - with learning how to help individuals instead of the many. it's been a long time since she could allow herself to. you meet people you know are going to die, every year for a hundred years, and you stop caring. you stop learning math - because everybody does math differently on all these different worlds, so why bother? it doesn't matter. it'll be gone at the end.
all that mattered was taako. her constant.
but there are constants here, too. and she wants to give them what they deserve. she's figuring it out, or... trying to. someone to take strength from.
she thinks maybe soo-won gets too caught up in trying to offer his own. so. ]
You're welcome, Soo-won.