[ things that he’s found fun or exciting, that he would probably want to show hak if things were simpler. the way that he never really outgrew bringing hak along to everything he could. but he knows better, since he doesn’t think that he’s very deserving of hak’s patience or company.
but if he’s already being honest, ]
Thank you for contacting me, Hak. You didn’t have to.
[ they really could have just dropped it there but soo-won had to go and be honest and now hak has to grapple with himself because being honest means he has to face the ugly parts of himself he would rather everyone else not see. ]
Did you seriously think I would just act like you didn't exist?
it's not like soo-won's wrong. many things he's said and done have been upseetting. many things he's said and done deserve censure. ]
You've done things I can't forgive.
[ that much, at least, is true. the death of king il, the shattering of yona's heart, the deep betrayal that still haunts him even now. and yet he can't deny that kouka is in a better place. even if he still believes there could have been another way, the results speak for themselves. ]
But I don't want you to die either. Not before we get back.
[ ideally not any time soon from a mysterious god-inflicted illness but that part feels harder to say. ]
i'm sorry you gave us a short text thread and it became this
[ hak has made it clear that he wants soo-won to live, at least long enough to return, and so soo-won won't fail that. as much as it's in his power, he will cling onto life with the same stubbornness that he did before the campaign on the kai empire. before, he followed through for the sake of strengthening kouka. now, he'll follow through at hak's request.
however—there looms a shadow on his expression that mars his omnipresent levity. he frowns, contemplative. the reflection appears—saddened. ]
I don't expect your forgiveness. I'm aware of what I've done. I would not forgive myself either. [ and isn't that just another way of admitting that he doesn't? ]
But for that reason, I would understand distance. I said my goodbye to you when I encouraged you to set out to find the dragons. [ he thought that would be where it ended. ]
I know my presence upsets you. You don't have to reach out to me to know that I will survive. I already gave my word.
[ but they keep wandering around together anyway. it's one thing for them to find each other in the maze accidentally, it's another for hak to make the active effort to speak to him. if this is one more thing hak is forcing himself through, then soo-won would rather spare him the pain. ]
I'd like to stop causing you suffering when it's the last thing I want to do.
it's fine, i've learned to prepare myself for the worst whenever i tag you
[ just saying. but the words aren't accusatory, just tired. bemoaning the facts won't change them and they both have more important things to do here. ]
Maybe you gave your word, but I don't trust any of the people here and you're not exactly in shape to be fighting giant monsters if they show up.
[ NO OFFENSE but also maybe a little offense. they both know soo-won is not in peak physical condition. does it have to be hak that keeps an eye out on soo-won? no, but at the same time, yeah kinda sorta. ]
Besides. [ softer. slower. ] It's what the princess would have done.
[ it is late, but to soo-won, that choice was unavoidable. hak thinks that there were other ways for it to happen, but soo-won ruminated for ten years and kept arriving to the same conclusion. he can't feel regret, even if he does feel guilt.
but soo-won is quiet anyway, listening. he doesn't think that hak needs to be the one to look after him. even if he's not in peak fighting condition, he's also not useless. if he wanted a bodyguard, he thinks he could find one through nothing but his own ability to talk his way into what he wants.
. . .
if it's for yona though, it all makes more sense. ]
... If that's what you choose, I can't stop you.
[ and he likes talking to hak. he always has. soo-won isn't the one hurting when they're with each other—and even in those moments where the guilt crushes his heart so intensely that he wonders if it's another bout of the crimson illness, he'd still choose to be with hak than without him. that's his own selfishness he'll never admit. ]
imagine tagging anything back at a reasonable pace
[ soo-won always makes it sound so simple. as if he has all the freedom in the world (he does) to do as he wants without a care in the world, and as if soo-won has never once done anything to dramatically alter that carefree path in life.
unfortunately i have to save my energy for all our other threads, so instead of replying back with something ill-thought-out and rude he instead says: ]
Are we done here?
[ he makes it sound like they're done regardless... ]
[ look... he's aware he did that and that's why he thinks it's so strange that hak keeps interacting with him. he has the freedom to leave! dip! ditch his ass!
well that's what's happening now, and soo-won can at least fend for himself fairly easily so: ]
It would seem so. Goodbye, Hak.
[ and he'll close the line to spare hak the trouble of it ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ things that he’s found fun or exciting, that he would probably want to show hak if things were simpler. the way that he never really outgrew bringing hak along to everything he could. but he knows better, since he doesn’t think that he’s very deserving of hak’s patience or company.
but if he’s already being honest, ]
Thank you for contacting me, Hak. You didn’t have to.
no subject
Did you seriously think I would just act like you didn't exist?
[ after everything he's done? ]
no subject
if he’s still being honest, against all sense, ]
I think my answer to you will be upsetting, but that’s because I’m still uncertain about where we stand.
I’m trying to understand more about how you’re treating me… because I frankly think it’s kinder than I deserve.
no subject
it's not like soo-won's wrong. many things he's said and done have been upseetting. many things he's said and done deserve censure. ]
You've done things I can't forgive.
[ that much, at least, is true. the death of king il, the shattering of yona's heart, the deep betrayal that still haunts him even now. and yet he can't deny that kouka is in a better place. even if he still believes there could have been another way, the results speak for themselves. ]
But I don't want you to die either. Not before we get back.
[ ideally not any time soon from a mysterious god-inflicted illness but that part feels harder to say. ]
i'm sorry you gave us a short text thread and it became this
[ hak has made it clear that he wants soo-won to live, at least long enough to return, and so soo-won won't fail that. as much as it's in his power, he will cling onto life with the same stubbornness that he did before the campaign on the kai empire. before, he followed through for the sake of strengthening kouka. now, he'll follow through at hak's request.
however—there looms a shadow on his expression that mars his omnipresent levity. he frowns, contemplative. the reflection appears—saddened. ]
I don't expect your forgiveness. I'm aware of what I've done. I would not forgive myself either. [ and isn't that just another way of admitting that he doesn't? ]
But for that reason, I would understand distance. I said my goodbye to you when I encouraged you to set out to find the dragons. [ he thought that would be where it ended. ]
I know my presence upsets you. You don't have to reach out to me to know that I will survive. I already gave my word.
[ but they keep wandering around together anyway. it's one thing for them to find each other in the maze accidentally, it's another for hak to make the active effort to speak to him. if this is one more thing hak is forcing himself through, then soo-won would rather spare him the pain. ]
I'd like to stop causing you suffering when it's the last thing I want to do.
it's fine, i've learned to prepare myself for the worst whenever i tag you
[ just saying. but the words aren't accusatory, just tired. bemoaning the facts won't change them and they both have more important things to do here. ]
Maybe you gave your word, but I don't trust any of the people here and you're not exactly in shape to be fighting giant monsters if they show up.
[ NO OFFENSE but also maybe a little offense. they both know soo-won is not in peak physical condition. does it have to be hak that keeps an eye out on soo-won? no, but at the same time, yeah kinda sorta. ]
Besides. [ softer. slower. ] It's what the princess would have done.
[ reach out her hand, despite everything. ]
imagine a relationship so f r a u g h t
but soo-won is quiet anyway, listening. he doesn't think that hak needs to be the one to look after him. even if he's not in peak fighting condition, he's also not useless. if he wanted a bodyguard, he thinks he could find one through nothing but his own ability to talk his way into what he wants.
. . .
if it's for yona though, it all makes more sense. ]
... If that's what you choose, I can't stop you.
[ and he likes talking to hak. he always has. soo-won isn't the one hurting when they're with each other—and even in those moments where the guilt crushes his heart so intensely that he wonders if it's another bout of the crimson illness, he'd still choose to be with hak than without him. that's his own selfishness he'll never admit. ]
imagine tagging anything back at a reasonable pace
unfortunately i have to save my energy for all our other threads, so instead of replying back with something ill-thought-out and rude he instead says: ]
Are we done here?
[ he makes it sound like they're done regardless... ]
stop this is a reasonable pace
well that's what's happening now, and soo-won can at least fend for himself fairly easily so: ]
It would seem so. Goodbye, Hak.
[ and he'll close the line to spare hak the trouble of it ]