[ah, she caught him there. there's a bit of an amused uptick in the corner of his mouth - but he'll nod along with that.]
To begin, there were four of us in an unrecognizable hallway in the Northern area. We were quickly separated, and Xie Lian and myself were brought to a room in which we were expected to sit in two chairs. It told us that monsters were coming, and asked if we were prepared. Upon selecting 'Yes', we were both pricked in the neck and knocked unconscious.
While unconscious, I believe that moments from... emotional ordeals in our life were selected to torment us psychologically. I... saw my father's body - given what I knew of his death, and he spoke to me with his last words. A former friend attacked me. I saw my kingdom burning in front of my eyes, while I was made too weak and ill to give orders to save it.
[it's more details than he's given to others - likely because jeanne knows how much more these things torment him than others. even still, his voice doesn't waver, only delivering it like a report]
Yet it seems that the monsters that Ochako and Archer were fighting elsewhere were connected to our bodies - and so when they won their fight, Xie Lian and I were defeated, deceased. They revived us using two serums... but those serums made us murderous, and we would not stop until we were killed. And so we were killed twice, but revived the second time.
I possess an injury, but it's not difficult to hide the extent of it - so I would rather not place a target on my back by making it evident. Mentally....
... I am contemplating the nature of fate and my own mortality.
[a beat]
But they are, at the very least, not unfamiliar thoughts to me.
[ He should have never told her he was a king, if he didn't want her to call her out on twisting truths while being honest. She's had too many audiences with kings.
Jeanne does not hate, or at least, she doesn't hate easily, but she does not like the sound of any of this at all. It reminds her of something too fresh, and it is even worse after what they've exchanged.
She can imagine how much all that much would've weighed on him, and her hand reaches out to him, almost unconsciously. It hovers in the air before she offers her hand, palm up. She doesn't know if he wants to continue to compartmentalize.
She shuts her eyes at the thought of Soo-won dead, twice over, and buries that feeling. Death is something comes to everyone eventually, but... ]
[all he's ever done in his life is compartmentalize - even now there is part of his thinking that knows that if he were to reject jeanne's hand now, it may hurt her even if she would say nothing of it.
and so he lets his hand settle in hers, holding on, as if to prove to them both that he's right there, heart beating, breathing.]
.... someone who has take actions such as I have cannot be expected to live happily or die peacefully. I have died twice now and both times were not easy. I wonder how it will come when I meet my end for the final time. None simpler than this, I imagine.
[how he is fated to suffer, perhaps - but he is also not blind to the choices that he's made. the decisions that have led him to a life in which he cannot expect simplicity or kindness, and yet he dares to partake in both each day.]
[ It hurts her less to be rejected than it does to hear these words that strike her at her core. It is too much, too much like her own thoughts, like her own beliefs regarding her own life. His words crack her armor as Ruler, and she feels breathless, almost like crying.
She can't tell him the actions he took haven't harmed or done irreparable damage because she doesn't believe that. She can't tell him that he'll meet a happy or peaceful death because she doesn't know that and because she's realistic enough to know he's not completely wrong.
Even so, she doesn't want him to suffer. ]
Expected or not, I will be sad for you. I will still grieve your passing each time. [ Once, twice, thrice. She hopes it's not more than that. ]
I can't tell you that your third death will be easy, and I can't tell you if you deserve something kinder even if I do hope for it, but I can tell you that you have at least touched my life.
[it takes him aback - when perhaps it shouldn't. perhaps he should give people more credit than this. for all he thinks of his death and its inevitability, he does not think often of those who might mourn him. he thinks of practical things, like whether joo-doh will be able to keep the tribes in order once he's gone or who ought to be his successor.
he does not think that people would dare to care for him - even knowing what he's done. when jeanne offers her words, he looks surprised and his hand tightens in hers minutely, involuntarily, and only for half a second.]
... those certainly aren't words that I expected to hear from someone I have known but two weeks.
[and yet.
and.... yet.]
Thank you.
Knowing you has touched mine as well, Jeanne.
[he doesn't know if these are words that he deserves - but despite this, he cannot help but selfishly curl into their warmth. even if he cannot truly accept joy while he lives, he hopes it's alright that he entertains the notion that he might be missed when he's gone.]
[ The way he looks surprised, the way his hold tightens even for half a second makes something ache within her. It makes her want to reach out, but she clamps down on it.
To do more than support, bolster, and empower is to make an exception, and to make such a distinction is not something she intends to do. For as long as Servants can live, to be a Servant is to also be transient. She already knows how people thought of her after her death. It's knowledge that she would not quite call a blessing.
Even so.
Even so...
She places her other hand over their clasped hands. ]
Perhaps it's what makes me foolish still, but one does not always need a long time to cause change. At the very least, I don't want to be someone who can't be touched.
[ Even if she's no longer human, she can still be human, and even if she no longer has the right to love or be loved, her heart is still open. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And what state you're truly in, physically and mentally.
[ A small beat. ]
I would ask you to tell me you'd prefer not to say anything than to twist the truth without lying.
no subject
To begin, there were four of us in an unrecognizable hallway in the Northern area. We were quickly separated, and Xie Lian and myself were brought to a room in which we were expected to sit in two chairs. It told us that monsters were coming, and asked if we were prepared. Upon selecting 'Yes', we were both pricked in the neck and knocked unconscious.
While unconscious, I believe that moments from... emotional ordeals in our life were selected to torment us psychologically. I... saw my father's body - given what I knew of his death, and he spoke to me with his last words. A former friend attacked me. I saw my kingdom burning in front of my eyes, while I was made too weak and ill to give orders to save it.
[it's more details than he's given to others - likely because jeanne knows how much more these things torment him than others. even still, his voice doesn't waver, only delivering it like a report]
Yet it seems that the monsters that Ochako and Archer were fighting elsewhere were connected to our bodies - and so when they won their fight, Xie Lian and I were defeated, deceased. They revived us using two serums... but those serums made us murderous, and we would not stop until we were killed. And so we were killed twice, but revived the second time.
I possess an injury, but it's not difficult to hide the extent of it - so I would rather not place a target on my back by making it evident. Mentally....
... I am contemplating the nature of fate and my own mortality.
[a beat]
But they are, at the very least, not unfamiliar thoughts to me.
no subject
Jeanne does not hate, or at least, she doesn't hate easily, but she does not like the sound of any of this at all. It reminds her of something too fresh, and it is even worse after what they've exchanged.
She can imagine how much all that much would've weighed on him, and her hand reaches out to him, almost unconsciously. It hovers in the air before she offers her hand, palm up. She doesn't know if he wants to continue to compartmentalize.
She shuts her eyes at the thought of Soo-won dead, twice over, and buries that feeling. Death is something comes to everyone eventually, but... ]
Emotionally, how are you?
[ And. ]
Why fate?
no subject
and so he lets his hand settle in hers, holding on, as if to prove to them both that he's right there, heart beating, breathing.]
.... someone who has take actions such as I have cannot be expected to live happily or die peacefully. I have died twice now and both times were not easy. I wonder how it will come when I meet my end for the final time. None simpler than this, I imagine.
[how he is fated to suffer, perhaps - but he is also not blind to the choices that he's made. the decisions that have led him to a life in which he cannot expect simplicity or kindness, and yet he dares to partake in both each day.]
Emotionally... I'm alright.
Merely unsurprised.
[he expected no better than this.]
no subject
She can't tell him the actions he took haven't harmed or done irreparable damage because she doesn't believe that. She can't tell him that he'll meet a happy or peaceful death because she doesn't know that and because she's realistic enough to know he's not completely wrong.
Even so, she doesn't want him to suffer. ]
Expected or not, I will be sad for you. I will still grieve your passing each time. [ Once, twice, thrice. She hopes it's not more than that. ]
I can't tell you that your third death will be easy, and I can't tell you if you deserve something kinder even if I do hope for it, but I can tell you that you have at least touched my life.
no subject
he does not think that people would dare to care for him - even knowing what he's done. when jeanne offers her words, he looks surprised and his hand tightens in hers minutely, involuntarily, and only for half a second.]
... those certainly aren't words that I expected to hear from someone I have known but two weeks.
[and yet.
and.... yet.]
Thank you.
Knowing you has touched mine as well, Jeanne.
[he doesn't know if these are words that he deserves - but despite this, he cannot help but selfishly curl into their warmth. even if he cannot truly accept joy while he lives, he hopes it's alright that he entertains the notion that he might be missed when he's gone.]
no subject
To do more than support, bolster, and empower is to make an exception, and to make such a distinction is not something she intends to do. For as long as Servants can live, to be a Servant is to also be transient. She already knows how people thought of her after her death. It's knowledge that she would not quite call a blessing.
Even so.
Even so...
She places her other hand over their clasped hands. ]
Perhaps it's what makes me foolish still, but one does not always need a long time to cause change. At the very least, I don't want to be someone who can't be touched.
[ Even if she's no longer human, she can still be human, and even if she no longer has the right to love or be loved, her heart is still open. ]