[ If she weren't quite so emotional, moved more by her heart in this moment than anything else, she'd have the presence of mind to consider that neither of them are fully healed enough for her to do what she just did. If she weren't so emotional, maybe she could take a second to realize she shouldn't be so emotional, and that would be—a little frightening.
She lifts herself up so he doesn't have to bear as much of her weight, and when she looks down at him, her eyes shine with tears she doesn't know if she has the right to shed. ]
I want to be very cross with you, but mostly, I am sad. I want to be at least annoyed, but I don't know if I can blame you.
[ It is not condolence enough, not for the both of them, but now so many of the things he's said to her are framed in a new way. Jeanne does not hate, not easily, but it's something that winds her. ]
the tears surprise him a little bit - and it shows in his expression when he looks up at her. without taking a moment to think about it, his hand comes up to rest against her cheek, poised to wipe the tears away should they fall. no, he doesn't think that's right at all - jeanne shouldn't shed tears for someone like him.]
.... the health of the king is the most closely guarded secret in the kingdom. Perhaps it was simply an old habit, to not spare the details to anyone.
[maybe it's just something that he's used to doing - because before he came here, he always had to be a king. there were always eyes on him, as young as he was, to bring order and stability to everyone.]
.... you can blame me.
We must live with our choices - and even if I never meant to harm you, I won't shy away from the fact that I have.
Even if I cannot apologize for what I've done.... I'm sorry - that you had to learn this way.
[ There is little to no heat to that, something that's soft and close but not quite defeated. Her hands curl into loose fists where they're resting on either side of him. ]
I will not brush clean the road you took to kingship. You may not desire the throne, but you took it, and I acknowledge it.
Even so, we agreed that we could be just we two.
[ And even if they cannot completely divest themselves of their roles and responsibilities because that is simply not who they are— ]
You were never going to tell me, and you lied.
[ Selfishly, perhaps horribly so, she is glad she knows now even if he never wanted her to. Even if it hurts, even if it hurts more than she thought it could, she would rather know. ]
But I suppose I can't fully blame you because I haven't told you everything myself.
[to be called a pighead, to be have his actions described for what they are - even if he would argue even still that his answer was more shades of truth than lie (he was not in blinding pain, and not in immediate danger of death, and so it was nothing grievous) but.
well, arguing with jeanne is perhaps not the best of his decisions. not when at heart, he knows that she still is right.]
... maybe we need all those hours in the world after all, Jeanne.
[to know each other in their entirety.
given all it seems that they've still had locked away. he shifts then, if only to sit up - but he doesn't move her off of him, not entirely. instead he just lets his hand rest at her back, the other remaining on her cheek.]
But whatever you might trust me with - I will accept.
And whatever you might not trust me with -
That too, I will accept.
[if he has reached the end of her patience - he thinks only again that it would not be the first time that he would lose what he wants to keep close.]
If I could give you all the hours in the world, I would.
[ These words are heavier with meaning now, with more than one meaning. It may be unwise, but she leans into him just an inch, as she presses her cheek into his hand just a touch.
It's getting harder and harder for her to separate the different parts of herself around him. It's a little dangerous, she thinks, when they both do so much to compartmentalize their feelings, and she thinks Soo-won is perhaps better at that than she is. ]
I'm afraid you're becoming someone I don't want to lea—
[ The horse that somehow hasn't abandoned them to their dramatics flicks her tail once more!! Because she's tired of listening to the two of them!!
[ Whatever she might or might not trust him with could be this:
You are in front of the Great Holy Grail, and you are facing Amakusa Shirou Tokisada, the boy you have determined you've been summoned to defeat. You know he wants to use the Holy Grail to manifest all humans into souls.
You assert it doesn't equate to human salvation, as it arrests human possibility.
"Whether or not it is salvation is something I've pondered for 60 years," he says and draws his sword. "I assure you, this is salvation. No matter what anyone says. That is why I will kill you.
You reply, "And that is why I will destroy your dream."
You have chosen to use your sword (up until 1:30).
You know these are the flames that killed you. You know that the only way you can use these flames is to save something, to destroy something you feel must be destroyed without strong personal feelings attached. You know these flames will burn and annihilate anything, and once they burn out, so will you.
You will destroy the Holy Grail, and you will die. ]
[ . . . . the words in his mother's memoir ring in his ears: Why did he have to go before me...? Everyone - is going before me...
in truth, soo-won had always thought that he would be in the same situation. when his father went before him, his mother, his uncle - at his own hand, and even when he had thought that both hak and yona departed. he had always accepted that even though his life is short, perhaps he would always be the last one remaining - until he would disappear the same as any other.
yet knowing this truth - it startles him and for all he tries to put his emotions away in a box, untouched and unopened.... he cannot hide his surprise. his sorrow.
(he'd been afraid just once - just in that moment when kano took jeanne by surprise, and he thought she would be gone.)
she is already gone.]
Jeanne.
[and maybe it's just a little reckless because they are both already on the ground - but it still feels like a bit of a leap that he shouldn't take, when he pulls her closer to him again.]
[ It surprises her. For all that she knows he cares, she didn't think he'd be so affected to see her go. She both has been dead for so long and isn't dead yet.
Slowly, tentatively, her arms find their way around him, and her fingers are feather-light against his back, as if touching him would break him, as if holding him like this would break her.
Her mind flashes back to what he told her when he had been compelled to say more than he'd like. She doesn't dare to think too deeply. ]
Soo-won.
[ Her voice is soft, muffled against him, almost vulnerable.
She doesn't tremble, but it feels as if her emotions might shake out of their locks, where she hides what she doesn't have the right to feel, what she has no intention to feel. ]
Would it be terrible of me to say a part of me doesn't want to leave your side?
[ She's always been someone who's walked forward, someone who's been more alone than not.
It's frightening how much she doesn't want to leave him alone. ]
if only because they do not get to make decisions like that - they are not people who are afforded forever, when they are people who are barely even afforded tomorrow. because they are people who will always be all right, even if they are dead or in the process of dying. they hold their heads high, and they walk forward.
so it is a terrible thing to dream.
and yet -
since they met, when they suggested that perhaps it would be nice, to only be jeanne and soo-won when they are together, when there are no demands of kingdoms or worlds in the balance. isn't that in and of itself something that is as impossible and wistful and wonderful as a dream?
it's hard for him to answer her - not when these are the words where he knows he has no right to say.
but as his arms envelop her in an embrace that is both fragile and certain, and his own fingers press as if to hold onto her, and his head bows so that it rests atop hers - maybe that is answer enough.
the way that he cannot say I don't want you to go.
the way he still wants to.]
—I'm afraid I'm very nearly selfish enough - to keep you with me, if you wanted to stay.
[if it means she doesn't have to die - even he himself lives on borrowed time.
[ I want to stay are words she shouldn't say. They are words that speak a dream she shouldn't keep, that she shouldn't have, that they both probably shouldn't try to grasp onto.
They are people who've let go of so many dreams to walk towards a goal, who have let go of a number of dear people for that goal, and they are people who will live and die with and by their choices, discarding regret for the things they've done even if they continue to box up and wrap up feelings they do not have the right to carry.
I want to stay at your side—
I want to stay—
I want—
They are words strong enough to fault her.
And even if that's all true, that doesn't stop her from tightening her hold on him, from clinging onto someone for the very first time—at least for this one moment. Because if she does not hold onto him now, when can she? When else can she afford to do this?
When it is simply them two is the only time she can do this, and even if they are only Soo-won and Jeanne, they are both people who love their countries and worlds too much. They love too much, and that is why she knows what she must do. No matter what she wants— ]
... I cannot.
[ She is quiet but sure.
They can be very nearly selfish, but it is not time yet for them to be selfish. Even if neither of them have very much time.
(For it is selfish to simply be by someone's side.) ]
But if I found a way to come back to your side, would you still accept me?
[ She sounds so very certain for an if, for something that should be near impossible. ]
soo-won is not someone who subscribes to hope, faith - to anything unseen, that exists outside of his own hands. waiting for others to come has never done anything for him, because he is often the one that people are waiting for.
the one who will arrive with a plan and the certainty to execute it. the one who will come to the castle, to visit after a long time apart. the one who will save the country, because they can rely on no other.
as much as he loves other people - he does not wait on them, or put stock in words, or dare to hope.
but when jeanne asks this of him, he finds himself - hesitating.
wanting to reach out, just once.]
.... you may have to hurry.
[the only reference that perhaps - he has barely time left to spare, that if their moment is not now, then it may not come. and while he has no grudge, no anger about it, he cannot run from the reality.
yet.]
.... but I will always accept you, should you wish to come to me. There will always be space for you - with me.
[he refuses to admit that he will wait for her - that he will hope in her words, that she may one day arrive to him despite everything, no matter how certain she sounds.
but perhaps even the acknowledgement -
that is a sign of his hope that he will entrust in her, and only her.]
[ From her beginning to her end, what Jeanne has the most of is faith. Her path in history burned with it. For all that she did because she could not turn away from the suffering she heard, she has never walked with the purpose of going towards one person.
She has never walked for false hopes. For as much faith as she holds, she can't avert her eyes from reality,
Which is why when she shifts back a little, extracting herself from him by just a fraction, and moves to find one of his hands with both of hers, her grip is almost tight—a recognition of his words for what they are, a sign that she knows they have very little time here or anywhere.
She bows her head and brings his hand up to press against her forehead, a silent oath, a silent prayer. ]
That is all I need.
[ She is not someone who wishes for herself, but if she ever did, if she could, perhaps it could be that.
As much as she loves others, as much as she works with others— to go to someone and to have a space with someone is not something she knows.
Jeanne is not someone who can swear fealty to any one person, as she is now. She is a Servant without a Master for more reasons than one, for more reasons than she can remember at this time.
But maybe someday, she can be, once she exhausts herself and completes her duties.
And for all that Jeanne is or isn't, she is one who hopes and carries the hopes of others with her. For as little or as much as he is willing to give to her, she will walk with it until she can no longer.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
She lifts herself up so he doesn't have to bear as much of her weight, and when she looks down at him, her eyes shine with tears she doesn't know if she has the right to shed. ]
I want to be very cross with you, but mostly, I am sad. I want to be at least annoyed, but I don't know if I can blame you.
[ It is not condolence enough, not for the both of them, but now so many of the things he's said to her are framed in a new way. Jeanne does not hate, not easily, but it's something that winds her. ]
Even if I probably should, just a little.
no subject
the tears surprise him a little bit - and it shows in his expression when he looks up at her. without taking a moment to think about it, his hand comes up to rest against her cheek, poised to wipe the tears away should they fall. no, he doesn't think that's right at all - jeanne shouldn't shed tears for someone like him.]
.... the health of the king is the most closely guarded secret in the kingdom. Perhaps it was simply an old habit, to not spare the details to anyone.
[maybe it's just something that he's used to doing - because before he came here, he always had to be a king. there were always eyes on him, as young as he was, to bring order and stability to everyone.]
.... you can blame me.
We must live with our choices - and even if I never meant to harm you, I won't shy away from the fact that I have.
Even if I cannot apologize for what I've done.... I'm sorry - that you had to learn this way.
[or perhaps - to learn at all.]
no subject
[ There is little to no heat to that, something that's soft and close but not quite defeated. Her hands curl into loose fists where they're resting on either side of him. ]
I will not brush clean the road you took to kingship. You may not desire the throne, but you took it, and I acknowledge it.
Even so, we agreed that we could be just we two.
[ And even if they cannot completely divest themselves of their roles and responsibilities because that is simply not who they are— ]
You were never going to tell me, and you lied.
[ Selfishly, perhaps horribly so, she is glad she knows now even if he never wanted her to. Even if it hurts, even if it hurts more than she thought it could, she would rather know. ]
But I suppose I can't fully blame you because I haven't told you everything myself.
no subject
[to be called a pighead, to be have his actions described for what they are - even if he would argue even still that his answer was more shades of truth than lie (he was not in blinding pain, and not in immediate danger of death, and so it was nothing grievous) but.
well, arguing with jeanne is perhaps not the best of his decisions. not when at heart, he knows that she still is right.]
... maybe we need all those hours in the world after all, Jeanne.
[to know each other in their entirety.
given all it seems that they've still had locked away. he shifts then, if only to sit up - but he doesn't move her off of him, not entirely. instead he just lets his hand rest at her back, the other remaining on her cheek.]
But whatever you might trust me with - I will accept.
And whatever you might not trust me with -
That too, I will accept.
[if he has reached the end of her patience - he thinks only again that it would not be the first time that he would lose what he wants to keep close.]
1/2
[ These words are heavier with meaning now, with more than one meaning. It may be unwise, but she leans into him just an inch, as she presses her cheek into his hand just a touch.
It's getting harder and harder for her to separate the different parts of herself around him. It's a little dangerous, she thinks, when they both do so much to compartmentalize their feelings, and she thinks Soo-won is perhaps better at that than she is. ]
I'm afraid you're becoming someone I don't want to lea—
[ The horse that somehow hasn't abandoned them to their dramatics flicks her tail once more!! Because she's tired of listening to the two of them!!
Another bubble pops! ]
no subject
You are in front of the Great Holy Grail, and you are facing Amakusa Shirou Tokisada, the boy you have determined you've been summoned to defeat. You know he wants to use the Holy Grail to manifest all humans into souls.
You assert it doesn't equate to human salvation, as it arrests human possibility.
"Whether or not it is salvation is something I've pondered for 60 years," he says and draws his sword. "I assure you, this is salvation. No matter what anyone says. That is why I will kill you.
You reply, "And that is why I will destroy your dream."
You have chosen to use your sword (up until 1:30).
You know these are the flames that killed you. You know that the only way you can use these flames is to save something, to destroy something you feel must be destroyed without strong personal feelings attached. You know these flames will burn and annihilate anything, and once they burn out, so will you.
You will destroy the Holy Grail, and you will die. ]
no subject
in truth, soo-won had always thought that he would be in the same situation. when his father went before him, his mother, his uncle - at his own hand, and even when he had thought that both hak and yona departed. he had always accepted that even though his life is short, perhaps he would always be the last one remaining - until he would disappear the same as any other.
yet knowing this truth - it startles him and for all he tries to put his emotions away in a box, untouched and unopened.... he cannot hide his surprise. his sorrow.
(he'd been afraid just once - just in that moment when kano took jeanne by surprise, and he thought she would be gone.)
she is already gone.]
Jeanne.
[and maybe it's just a little reckless because they are both already on the ground - but it still feels like a bit of a leap that he shouldn't take, when he pulls her closer to him again.]
no subject
Slowly, tentatively, her arms find their way around him, and her fingers are feather-light against his back, as if touching him would break him, as if holding him like this would break her.
Her mind flashes back to what he told her when he had been compelled to say more than he'd like. She doesn't dare to think too deeply. ]
Soo-won.
[ Her voice is soft, muffled against him, almost vulnerable.
She doesn't tremble, but it feels as if her emotions might shake out of their locks, where she hides what she doesn't have the right to feel, what she has no intention to feel. ]
Would it be terrible of me to say a part of me doesn't want to leave your side?
[ She's always been someone who's walked forward, someone who's been more alone than not.
It's frightening how much she doesn't want to leave him alone. ]
no subject
if only because they do not get to make decisions like that - they are not people who are afforded forever, when they are people who are barely even afforded tomorrow. because they are people who will always be all right, even if they are dead or in the process of dying. they hold their heads high, and they walk forward.
so it is a terrible thing to dream.
and yet -
since they met, when they suggested that perhaps it would be nice, to only be jeanne and soo-won when they are together, when there are no demands of kingdoms or worlds in the balance. isn't that in and of itself something that is as impossible and wistful and wonderful as a dream?
it's hard for him to answer her - not when these are the words where he knows he has no right to say.
but as his arms envelop her in an embrace that is both fragile and certain, and his own fingers press as if to hold onto her, and his head bows so that it rests atop hers - maybe that is answer enough.
the way that he cannot say I don't want you to go.
the way he still wants to.]
—I'm afraid I'm very nearly selfish enough - to keep you with me, if you wanted to stay.
[if it means she doesn't have to die - even he himself lives on borrowed time.
it would never be time enough.
and yet he wants it anyway.]
no subject
They are people who've let go of so many dreams to walk towards a goal, who have let go of a number of dear people for that goal, and they are people who will live and die with and by their choices, discarding regret for the things they've done even if they continue to box up and wrap up feelings they do not have the right to carry.
I want to stay at your side—
I want to stay—
I want—
They are words strong enough to fault her.
And even if that's all true, that doesn't stop her from tightening her hold on him, from clinging onto someone for the very first time—at least for this one moment. Because if she does not hold onto him now, when can she? When else can she afford to do this?
When it is simply them two is the only time she can do this, and even if they are only Soo-won and Jeanne, they are both people who love their countries and worlds too much. They love too much, and that is why she knows what she must do. No matter what she wants— ]
... I cannot.
[ She is quiet but sure.
They can be very nearly selfish, but it is not time yet for them to be selfish. Even if neither of them have very much time.
(For it is selfish to simply be by someone's side.) ]
But if I found a way to come back to your side, would you still accept me?
[ She sounds so very certain for an if, for something that should be near impossible. ]
no subject
soo-won is not someone who subscribes to hope, faith - to anything unseen, that exists outside of his own hands. waiting for others to come has never done anything for him, because he is often the one that people are waiting for.
the one who will arrive with a plan and the certainty to execute it. the one who will come to the castle, to visit after a long time apart. the one who will save the country, because they can rely on no other.
as much as he loves other people - he does not wait on them, or put stock in words, or dare to hope.
but when jeanne asks this of him, he finds himself - hesitating.
wanting to reach out, just once.]
.... you may have to hurry.
[the only reference that perhaps - he has barely time left to spare, that if their moment is not now, then it may not come. and while he has no grudge, no anger about it, he cannot run from the reality.
yet.]
.... but I will always accept you, should you wish to come to me. There will always be space for you - with me.
[he refuses to admit that he will wait for her - that he will hope in her words, that she may one day arrive to him despite everything, no matter how certain she sounds.
but perhaps even the acknowledgement -
that is a sign of his hope that he will entrust in her, and only her.]
no subject
She has never walked for false hopes. For as much faith as she holds, she can't avert her eyes from reality,
Which is why when she shifts back a little, extracting herself from him by just a fraction, and moves to find one of his hands with both of hers, her grip is almost tight—a recognition of his words for what they are, a sign that she knows they have very little time here or anywhere.
She bows her head and brings his hand up to press against her forehead, a silent oath, a silent prayer. ]
That is all I need.
[ She is not someone who wishes for herself, but if she ever did, if she could, perhaps it could be that.
As much as she loves others, as much as she works with others— to go to someone and to have a space with someone is not something she knows.
Jeanne is not someone who can swear fealty to any one person, as she is now. She is a Servant without a Master for more reasons than one, for more reasons than she can remember at this time.
But maybe someday, she can be, once she exhausts herself and completes her duties.
And for all that Jeanne is or isn't, she is one who hopes and carries the hopes of others with her. For as little or as much as he is willing to give to her, she will walk with it until she can no longer.
She lifts her head with a small smile. ]
Our horse ride gone a bit awry, hasn't it?