[ . . . . everyone keeps telling him this. it manages to get him to turn a bit more somber.]
.... it's nothing you need to provide cover over. I already told people that it... is more likely that I just overextended myself this week, given my injuries.
They haven't questioned my tiredness further than that.
[ . . . . he just hums thoughtfully at that, looking like he's trying to concoct an explanation]
... any time it gets too much to bear - I try to go to the forest. Tonight... it was too far, so I came here - where there would at least be less people to witness it.
Otherwise... I hope to not collapse in public.
[trial was apparently him trying to keep it together for an entire day]
You've got to have a better plan than that, Soo-Won.
[ grumbles!!! alone in the forest. ]
Maybe we should have some kind of... signal. So we can leave together... even if we won't be in the same room next week. That way, I can make sure you get somewhere safe and private.
but soo-won just.... looks somewhere between tired, amused, and fond at that. it's a little harder to control his expression and lock it away even as he looks up at zuko.]
.... you're already doing far more than I deserve.
[ . . . . . but this - isn't a mistake. it's not something that he can admit to calling a mistake, because it would mean that his entire life was preparing for a mistake. he closes his eyes as he lays on the kigurumi and is quiet for a few long moments, almost as if he escaped into sleep before zuko could pull the truth out of him, but.]
.... the previous king - was Yona's father, my uncle. I don't... remember what happened to him, who took his life, but I know that....
[ . . . ]
Since my father was murdered... Since someone told me that Il was relying on Yona as the reincarnation of King Hiryuu to defend our country....
I waited... ten years. In hopes that he would change his mind, that he could... improve his rule. I loved him, I know that, but.... I wanted him to realize that to always choose peace.... means that others will take advantage of you, and the people would suffer for the crown's choices.
But I.... Someone killed him - and I'm sure that I knew of it, because they... wanted me to rule as king. Even though I knew what it meant for Yona, for Hak...
[and his voice - tired as it is, sounds so painfully sad, so heartbroken. so aware of the choice that he made and yet.]
How can I claim to be a good person? When I know the things I have done, and the decisions I've made?
[and hurt the people he loves - for the sake of a kingdom that he also loves?]
[ zuko's eyes widen as he listens to this. from what he's saying... it must have been him. and frankly? that's not unexpected, with royalty. he knows his mother killed his grandfather to keep zuko alive, and that he might have to kill azula to take the throne. ]
[ and it's hard to digest, given how close they are. how much they care about each other, how much they rely on each other. ]
You....
[ and yona as the reincarnation of the dragon king? but wasn't soo-won the one with the bloodline? ]
[ and then there's the talk of peace. peace in of itself isn't bad, it's the goal, it's what he wants for the fire nation and the world, but if that peace just brings more suffering in the end.... ]
[ .... ]
There was... no other way? He couldn't be reasoned with?
.... I don't remember much about my mother anymore, thanks to this place. But I know... that she wrote a memoir, and sent it to him. I read his response to her as well.
[ . . . . he closes his eyes then and - he looks a little pained, but perhaps this time not from illness.]
That man.... knew he would fail to meet my expectations, and thought that his only duty was to keep Yona safe. And yet he admitted himself that he did not know how to speak to me....
And so... he would never accept me.
[Do I give off an unpleasant feeling? he'd asked his mother, after he'd heard Il describe him that way.]
.... but if you choose one person's safety over the country -
How many more will suffer? I love Yona, too. Hak. The previous king.
But... Hiryuu Castle was the only place that held happiness in the kingdom. How... could anyone accept that?
[ there's no easy or good answer to this. he knows how bloody royal families can be, and how much people can suffer under a bad ruler's rule. he knows, sometimes, you have to make the painful, hard choice. ]
[ ... but yona. that was yona's father. a father who actually loved her and cherished her. ]
[ so how can he condone that? he can't, frankly. but neither can he condone the suffering of the people under that king's rule ]
[ but really, it isn't his place to condone or condemn it one way or another. ]
.... I don't know. I'm not sure but - she must not, if she's still talking to me. Even if I don't know if I was the one to kill him.... I knew that it was coming.
I am not unaware of the sins I have committed, no matter the reasoning behind them.
[and he closes his eyes at that, letting his arm come up to his face, allowing his sleeve to fall over his eyes. he knows that he does not deserve this - does not deserve her attention, her smiles. he is not blind to what he's done.]
.... it's alright, Zuko.
She needs someone at her side more than I do. If you are torn on where your sympathies should go, it should be to the people more in need.
I'll look after her as best as I can until she pushes me away - but you're better equipped to do so. I don't expect your sympathy or your assistance in any matter except that.
But... from the beginning... she must have known something.
[ they talked about how they were both on the run. but why? because there was a coup? logically, that's the only thing he can think now. ]
[ as for the rest of it.... ]
... Look, I'm not going to... I'm not going to choose between you two, regardless of what you've done in your past. It's not my place to pass judgement on you. Only she can do that.
[ whenever she finds out. but yona's one of the kindest people he knows here. and sharp. it wouldn't surprise him if she already had an idea. ]
[ and there's that this situation is just too complicated to say whether he's just 'good' or 'bad'. it's not like zuko hasn't betrayed his loved ones, either. he'd be a hypocrite to condemn soo-won. ]
I told you you could trust me, and you can. I'm going to stay at both of your sides.
[ if in the future, that doesn't remain an option... well, he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. ]
in the moment, soo-won thinks that is perhaps the sweetest lie he's ever been told. distantly, he thinks of cold winter days and those short months of happiness between sudden and unexpected deaths - those rare moments where he wished that they could've just been happy and spent their time together forever.
but eventually soo-won and yona's paths will part, and he knows how he wants it to end. he knows that he wants her happiness over his every time, when he is the one who is responsible for so much pain in her life. he knows that eventually zuko will go, even if soo-won has to create a thousand different reasons why.
though just for now....
he shifts so that he can reach out, weak and tired as he may be, to rest his hand over zuko's and give him a smile, sincere and touched.]
.... what a wonderful dream.
[that they could all get to be together.]
.... just know this, Zuko - as a leader, you will occasionally have to make a decision that might be painful. It might hurt so badly that your heart may break. But when you do.... I hope you will always choose to help the less fortunate, because they need you more than anyone. [ah... is this advice for zuko? or himself? he continues anyway.] So please hold your head up high, and even if you cannot yet be proud of yourself... know you have done your best -
And that I will never begrudge you, for any choice you may have to make.
[even if one day that choice may mean that they have to be apart.
it is nothing new to soo-won.
so long as the people he cares for can chase their happiness together.]
[ zuko would like to argue this point -- but frankly, he doesn't know what the future holds. he could die. if he doesn't, he'll have to return to his world to finish........ ]
[ to finish..... ]
[ well, there was something he had to finish, even though it's starting to escape him what. but he can't think that far ahead. he has to focus on the here and now. and in the here and now: ]
I'm not going anywhere.
[ that much he can say. ] And I haven't changed my mind about you.
[ even knowing this terrible truth. things aren't black and white. ]
I'm no leader. [ ... ] And I don't think I'll ever be. But I'll... remember. You're right. Sometimes the best decision to make is the most painful. Those people who were suffering, before... they won't be, because of you. So don't forget that either, Soo-Won.
... And if anyone can choose forgiveness and love, it's Yona. She has that kind of strength. So maybe you should hold onto that dream.
he closes his eyes at that - because the truth of the matter is that, well, he doubts it. or maybe he is the one who is the harshest on himself, who cannot forgive himself for what he's done. soo-won has been accused of loving everyone - and as such, he has no particularly strong loyalties to any individuals.
even though that assertion isn't quite right.
but how can someone who loves so much and so intensely forgive himself for hurting the people he cares for so much? even if yona did choose forgiveness and love - would he be able to accept it?
isn't that too much selfishness for one man to hold?
he sighs faintly and opens his eyes again to glance up at zuko.]
.... even if she has that strength, I don't want to make her feel as though she must forgive the person who hurt her so badly - no matter what others may think of me.
But.... thank you, Zuko.
[for his kindness and understanding, for still hearing the terrible things that soo-won has done and not changing his mind.]
For as long as you're here, I'll treasure the time we have together.
[ soo-won's talking like he's still expecting zuko to walk out on him. maybe that's been his experience? maybe he himself has never had an iroh in his life to never give up on him, no matter what he's done? zuko's no iroh, he could never be iroh.... but maybe this is something he can do. ]
That's not what I mean. I would never pressure her to. It's her decision. But I think you can still atone.
[ he'll leave it at that, because it's not his place to get involved further. but he wants soo-won to know he still has faith in him, and that he appreciates the truth, no matter what. he'll squeeze his hand. ]
I will, too. And I'll treasure the trust you placed in me.
he lets the word roll around in his mind - thinks about it vaguely. can he? in kouka, he knows that he cannot, because the matters of the country are more pressing - and those around him would never allow the tie between himself and yona to mend. it would be inviting weakness and chaos to their palace.
but here?
. . . .
he must be getting delirious and tired, he thinks, for letting that thought rest on his mind too much.
so instead he just smiles when zuko squeezes his hand and breathes out a soft, tired, fond laugh.]
[ despite all the bad and murder and everything, zuko's had a lot of opportunities here he never would have had at home. even at home, he'd thrown away his acceptance and life in the fire nation to try to make amends. whether or not he succeeded.... he can't remember. but. ]
[ it could be the same for soo-won and yona, maybe. a chance to mend.... to atone... ]
[ but that's the extent of his meddling. ]
Me too.
[ and he's sincere in that, despite everything he's learned today. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
.... it's nothing you need to provide cover over. I already told people that it... is more likely that I just overextended myself this week, given my injuries.
They haven't questioned my tiredness further than that.
So... it should be alright.
no subject
You're lying on the ground right now. What if it gets worse? Or happens again?
[ he knows people around here aren't the most observant but if he collapses, well, they're gonna question that ]
no subject
... any time it gets too much to bear - I try to go to the forest. Tonight... it was too far, so I came here - where there would at least be less people to witness it.
Otherwise... I hope to not collapse in public.
[trial was apparently him trying to keep it together for an entire day]
no subject
[ grumbles!!! alone in the forest. ]
Maybe we should have some kind of... signal. So we can leave together... even if we won't be in the same room next week. That way, I can make sure you get somewhere safe and private.
no subject
he goes alone in the forest
it's really sad and pathetic and funny]
You worry too much...
[ . . . ]
If you insist - I'll ask you if you want to feed Gulfan with me.
no subject
[ binch!! but it's an affectionate tsun kind of way. ]
....Yeah, that works. I'll make sure to keep blankets and painkillers and water around.... anything else I should do?
[ i hope this happens and people think they're running off to make out ]
no subject
but soo-won just.... looks somewhere between tired, amused, and fond at that. it's a little harder to control his expression and lock it away even as he looks up at zuko.]
.... you're already doing far more than I deserve.
Thank you.... for this. And - I'm sorry.
no subject
[ zuko is easier to read -- exasperated, worried, fond. ]
Don't apologize. It's the least I can do.
no subject
[he'll admit that, because he's tired. because at this point it's easier to admit to just about anything.]
I wonder when you'll choose to change your mind about me.
no subject
no subject
is it just about sharon?
he falls quiet at that.]
No, I....
[he pauses, frowning.]
.... it's difficult, to want to admit to. I feel as though you deserve to know and yet....
[he's so sure that zuko will leave.
but isn't that what soo-won deserves too?]
no subject
You can tell me.
[ he'll listen. ]
no subject
.... the previous king - was Yona's father, my uncle. I don't... remember what happened to him, who took his life, but I know that....
[ . . . ]
Since my father was murdered... Since someone told me that Il was relying on Yona as the reincarnation of King Hiryuu to defend our country....
I waited... ten years. In hopes that he would change his mind, that he could... improve his rule. I loved him, I know that, but.... I wanted him to realize that to always choose peace.... means that others will take advantage of you, and the people would suffer for the crown's choices.
But I.... Someone killed him - and I'm sure that I knew of it, because they... wanted me to rule as king. Even though I knew what it meant for Yona, for Hak...
[and his voice - tired as it is, sounds so painfully sad, so heartbroken. so aware of the choice that he made and yet.]
How can I claim to be a good person? When I know the things I have done, and the decisions I've made?
[and hurt the people he loves - for the sake of a kingdom that he also loves?]
no subject
[ and it's hard to digest, given how close they are. how much they care about each other, how much they rely on each other. ]
You....
[ and yona as the reincarnation of the dragon king? but wasn't soo-won the one with the bloodline? ]
[ and then there's the talk of peace. peace in of itself isn't bad, it's the goal, it's what he wants for the fire nation and the world, but if that peace just brings more suffering in the end.... ]
[ .... ]
There was... no other way? He couldn't be reasoned with?
no subject
[ . . . . he closes his eyes then and - he looks a little pained, but perhaps this time not from illness.]
That man.... knew he would fail to meet my expectations, and thought that his only duty was to keep Yona safe. And yet he admitted himself that he did not know how to speak to me....
And so... he would never accept me.
[Do I give off an unpleasant feeling? he'd asked his mother, after he'd heard Il describe him that way.]
.... but if you choose one person's safety over the country -
How many more will suffer? I love Yona, too. Hak. The previous king.
But... Hiryuu Castle was the only place that held happiness in the kingdom. How... could anyone accept that?
no subject
[ ... but yona. that was yona's father. a father who actually loved her and cherished her. ]
[ so how can he condone that? he can't, frankly. but neither can he condone the suffering of the people under that king's rule ]
[ but really, it isn't his place to condone or condemn it one way or another. ]
Does she.... does she remember this?
no subject
I am not unaware of the sins I have committed, no matter the reasoning behind them.
[and he closes his eyes at that, letting his arm come up to his face, allowing his sleeve to fall over his eyes. he knows that he does not deserve this - does not deserve her attention, her smiles. he is not blind to what he's done.]
.... it's alright, Zuko.
She needs someone at her side more than I do. If you are torn on where your sympathies should go, it should be to the people more in need.
I'll look after her as best as I can until she pushes me away - but you're better equipped to do so. I don't expect your sympathy or your assistance in any matter except that.
[because it's clear now, isn't it?
that soo-won is a far cry from a good person.]
no subject
[ they talked about how they were both on the run. but why? because there was a coup? logically, that's the only thing he can think now. ]
[ as for the rest of it.... ]
... Look, I'm not going to... I'm not going to choose between you two, regardless of what you've done in your past. It's not my place to pass judgement on you. Only she can do that.
[ whenever she finds out. but yona's one of the kindest people he knows here. and sharp. it wouldn't surprise him if she already had an idea. ]
[ and there's that this situation is just too complicated to say whether he's just 'good' or 'bad'. it's not like zuko hasn't betrayed his loved ones, either. he'd be a hypocrite to condemn soo-won. ]
I told you you could trust me, and you can. I'm going to stay at both of your sides.
[ if in the future, that doesn't remain an option... well, he'll cross that bridge when he gets to it. ]
no subject
in the moment, soo-won thinks that is perhaps the sweetest lie he's ever been told. distantly, he thinks of cold winter days and those short months of happiness between sudden and unexpected deaths - those rare moments where he wished that they could've just been happy and spent their time together forever.
but eventually soo-won and yona's paths will part, and he knows how he wants it to end. he knows that he wants her happiness over his every time, when he is the one who is responsible for so much pain in her life. he knows that eventually zuko will go, even if soo-won has to create a thousand different reasons why.
though just for now....
he shifts so that he can reach out, weak and tired as he may be, to rest his hand over zuko's and give him a smile, sincere and touched.]
.... what a wonderful dream.
[that they could all get to be together.]
.... just know this, Zuko - as a leader, you will occasionally have to make a decision that might be painful. It might hurt so badly that your heart may break. But when you do.... I hope you will always choose to help the less fortunate, because they need you more than anyone. [ah... is this advice for zuko? or himself? he continues anyway.] So please hold your head up high, and even if you cannot yet be proud of yourself... know you have done your best -
And that I will never begrudge you, for any choice you may have to make.
[even if one day that choice may mean that they have to be apart.
it is nothing new to soo-won.
so long as the people he cares for can chase their happiness together.]
no subject
[ to finish..... ]
[ well, there was something he had to finish, even though it's starting to escape him what. but he can't think that far ahead. he has to focus on the here and now. and in the here and now: ]
I'm not going anywhere.
[ that much he can say. ] And I haven't changed my mind about you.
[ even knowing this terrible truth. things aren't black and white. ]
I'm no leader. [ ... ] And I don't think I'll ever be. But I'll... remember. You're right. Sometimes the best decision to make is the most painful. Those people who were suffering, before... they won't be, because of you. So don't forget that either, Soo-Won.
... And if anyone can choose forgiveness and love, it's Yona. She has that kind of strength. So maybe you should hold onto that dream.
no subject
he closes his eyes at that - because the truth of the matter is that, well, he doubts it. or maybe he is the one who is the harshest on himself, who cannot forgive himself for what he's done. soo-won has been accused of loving everyone - and as such, he has no particularly strong loyalties to any individuals.
even though that assertion isn't quite right.
but how can someone who loves so much and so intensely forgive himself for hurting the people he cares for so much? even if yona did choose forgiveness and love - would he be able to accept it?
isn't that too much selfishness for one man to hold?
he sighs faintly and opens his eyes again to glance up at zuko.]
.... even if she has that strength, I don't want to make her feel as though she must forgive the person who hurt her so badly - no matter what others may think of me.
But.... thank you, Zuko.
[for his kindness and understanding, for still hearing the terrible things that soo-won has done and not changing his mind.]
For as long as you're here, I'll treasure the time we have together.
no subject
That's not what I mean. I would never pressure her to. It's her decision. But I think you can still atone.
[ he'll leave it at that, because it's not his place to get involved further. but he wants soo-won to know he still has faith in him, and that he appreciates the truth, no matter what. he'll squeeze his hand. ]
I will, too. And I'll treasure the trust you placed in me.
no subject
he lets the word roll around in his mind - thinks about it vaguely. can he? in kouka, he knows that he cannot, because the matters of the country are more pressing - and those around him would never allow the tie between himself and yona to mend. it would be inviting weakness and chaos to their palace.
but here?
. . . .
he must be getting delirious and tired, he thinks, for letting that thought rest on his mind too much.
so instead he just smiles when zuko squeezes his hand and breathes out a soft, tired, fond laugh.]
.... I'm glad I've met you, Zuko.
no subject
[ it could be the same for soo-won and yona, maybe. a chance to mend.... to atone... ]
[ but that's the extent of his meddling. ]
Me too.
[ and he's sincere in that, despite everything he's learned today. ]